I don’t want to become a biomedical engineer. I never liked
any of the work I was doing this semester. I found some aspects of the degree
interesting, but in the end, I hated my subjects. I didn’t do well in anything,
and if I go on with this degree, it’ll be the same story over and over and over
again. By that, I mean the coming semester will be a continuation of the first,
so I’ll be doing the same things, or really, struggling with the same things.
And I know, I’ve been told, that I still have a lot of time left, to find
something better, something I’d much rather prefer. But that comes with two
predicaments. Number one being that It conflicts with the very ideals I grew up
with – that life was way too short to waste. You can’t keep changing any time
you like – time is precious. But that in itself comes up with arguments like,
well life is short. And time is
precious – too precious to waste on a life you don’t want to lead. Of course,
the notion that I shouldn’t lead a life I don’t like is a lot more important.
But so is money.
I know a lot of you are thinking, really, I should buck up
and just do the work. Work through this period of my life, because life isn’t
kind, and nobody really gets what they want. They get money, instead. And I
know I have problems with that. What I don’t know is what to say to justify my
ways and that’s probably because there’s really no way I can.
And then there’s the second predicament. And it’s one that you
guys have read about a lot of times on this blog. The problem that I have found
something I’d much rather do, but I’m just too gutless to go for it.
I often dream about how my life will go. And in my dreams, I’m
never an engineer. I’m alive, and I’m happy, and I’m in a multitude of variations
of how my life turns out. In one, I’m an actor. I drop out of university to
become one. People look down at me and grieve my future. But I’m a small
character in a big movie. An Australian director’s casting crew hire me and I
say only one line but it’s more than what extras say. And I’m in a few short films
too. Eventually I move to America, and I work, and weasel my way into roles
anywhere I can. And there I am, on the big screen, for more than two minutes. And
from there, I grow, and I get more and more famous. Maybe I’ll never be famous
enough to appear in magazines, but one or two people will notice me, the boy
who appears in certain movies and disappears. It’s a boring dream, really. But
in it, I’m happy, and that’s good enough for me. I just need to be brave too,
and I’ll get there. I’ll get somewhere.
In another world, I’m a mediocre citizen and I marry a
policeman and we have beautiful children and I’m absolutely happy. I’m not
bored, I’m not dissatisfied with where I
am because I found the love of my life, and he too, is beautiful, by the way,
and I have children who I can be proud of and can grow to be kind and loving
and good.
But none of those really matter, because there’s only one
world right now. There’s only one world where you are reading this blog, and it’s
this world where my cowardice or my ambition can change everything. And you can
only ever live once, right?
I call these segments “Future Fears” because I’m only ever
fearful. I’ve been afraid so many times that I’ve lost count of how many of
these there are. I have many fears, I do, and among the largest are loneliness,
regret and the very future itself. Because it’s a scary thing. And I believe
that what scares me the most about it is that it’s in my control. And the
pressure is overwhelming.
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