It's been two months since Saif and I broke up.
I'm writing about this here because I know not many people read this, really, and I think I need to talk about it more, and it's easier to type it out here than to say it aloud.
I'll write to Saif from here:
Right after we separated, I missed you a lot. We spoke every day over messenger and I know that we liked each other a lot. I looked forward to talking with you every day. It was nice to have someone ask me how I was, to just to have someone on the other end. It was nice to know someone wanted to talk to me every day. And when that was over, I missed you. I remember when we were breaking up, you said you couldn't choose between me and Muskaan. I told you I didn't want you to do that in the first place, but in all honesty, knowing that you couldn't choose hurt me. That's not your fault, but at the time, I know I wanted you to choose me over her. To be clear, I don't hold anything over her or even see her as 'the other woman' or anything like that, I just wanted to be on the top of your list. I wanted to be your go-to, your ride or die, but knowing that you had someone else who was that person for you made me feel worthless, and I didn't like feeling like that.
I had to come to terms with a lot of things.
First was that this was my first heartbreak. Second, we didn't even date that long. I guess I just get attached really easily? But to be fair, you were the first person I could actually, really see myself happy to be with. We had chemistry, we vibed, we enjoyed each other and cared about each other and we both had feelings for each other.
Although, with that in mind, that we didn't date for that long and the fact that you're my first heartbreak, I have to come to terms with my loneliness. I'd like to think that I broke up with you, that I was the one who decided that this should end. But, when we were lying in bed the morning after Mardi Gras and I was lying on your chest and we decided that this wasn't going on, I don't think it was really my choice. It was something shared, yes, but I know that in that moment, if you had said, "I'll think about it"... I don't know what would've happened. But I didn't exactly want to leave you. It just happened. And I was alone again.
I hate that you had someone to go to basically right after. I hate it. I don't want you to be unhappy or miserable, I just wish you felt what I did. There's a chance that you did, but you also had Muskaan (I really hope I'm spelling that right). The grown-up side of me wishes you two the best. The rest of me, however, hopes to come across you, just anywhere, and to find that we're both alone again. And that'd be enough for me. But in saying that, I really actually do think I'd like Muskaan if I met her. So I do wish that you two are happy and funnily enough, it's for her sake lol
Recently, my life was pretty hectic with that data wrangling job, the costume design work and uni coursework that I actually had no time to think about you, and I thought hey - I'm moving on. Now that that's all out of the way, however, I've had some time to think about you again. And I'm sad again.
The first few weeks after we broke up, I felt pretty shit about myself. It's not exactly that I felt worthless or unloveable. I did to some extent, but it was moreso that I thought I didn't love myself as much as I thought I did.
After years and years of loneliness, I thought I had built this wall around me - a wall that read 'I don't need companionship, there's more to life than looking for a boyfriend, waiting for a man.' But ofc, I'm a romantic, someone who writes always about love, I'm always waiting for a man, that's something I feel I can't change about myself. So after losing a potential partner who I could've loved, someone who could've loved me back - I saw those walls crashing down, right in front of me, and I felt pathetic. I could see the facade for what it was. That made me feel bad about myself.
As life went on, however, I realised that that wasn't really what happened. What happened was I managed to get out of what really was always going to be a bad end. We were never ever going to last - not with the kinds of people we were. And so, I have to remind myself that this heartbreak was the least of it. We were always doomed, it just ended early - and the pain I feel now is nothing compared to what I would've felt if I tried to keep what we had going. So I like to think that this whole thing, this breakup was the biggest act of self love I could've given to myself. That it was a mature decision.
But then I'm reminded that I didn't have complete control of the situation and if you had said in that morning moment after mardi gras, while I was lying on your chest and we were breaking up - if you had said "I'm willing to try" then I would've stayed - and for sure, definitely, absolutely, you would've broken my heart further down the track - and the pain would've been unbearable - because I'm a romantic and I'm pretty dramatic with this kind of thing. So I take solace in that when I can.
I'm thinking back now, to the day we spent at Cabramatta. This was a week after the break-up and this was when I told you we couldn't be friends either. I mentioned in the car ride home that I was hurt that you came to me one night right after you saw Muskaan and I was deeply offended by how much you enjoyed the idea of seeing me right after someone else. Maria had put it in my head that it was scummy so I was mad about it and yes, I remember feeling like I was used that night but really, it didn't matter. I was just trying to hurt you, to make you feel bad - as bad as I did. I regret it a lot. But it was all these different things you said that day that hurt me so much more like "Aw, i remember my first heartbreak when I was 17", "Muskaan's been asking me when she can call me her boyfriend", "I don't think this whole polyamorous thing is for me anyways."
They hurt so much more. They were also dick things to say, considering. I actually think you did wrong there.
But anyways, it's almost two months after breaking up and thoughts of you came rising back up. I had a cigarette in my backyard, I took a shot of tequila and I wrote this.
I really do want the best for you, and I know you have issues and things in your life that heavily outweigh anything bad in mine. I am a lucky and truly happy person. I have everything, really. I just don't have a boyfriend - but I think I know deep down, that doesn't matter - so maybe those walls never came down in the first place. Maybe they're not even walls.
I have this vision in my mind, where years from now we'll see each other and recognise each other, and in that moment, we can smile at each other, both happy and then move on.
I'm also currently considering emailing this to you because I have your email lol but I'm gonna do the smart thing and sleep on it because nothing good comes out of me impulsively doing shit at 2am on a Wednesday night.
If I do, I hope this letter makes you feel something. It made me feel better.
Goodnight and sweet dreams and all the best,