^ I've no idea when I wrote this but mood.
I've finally reached the point where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and if I don't get a job after this one, I'm tucked. I don't know what I'm doing! And do top it all off, I'm going to spain for god knows what reason in a few days, at it's CORONA PEAK - am I dumb?
I'm just gonna talk about Barcelona - I feel awful about this trip. My current boyfriend Juan suggested we go - at the time, I was like it's so close! Why not! We had planned for August, and then I got a new job + Barcelona had peaked in covid cases so I was like sorry babe, we gotta move it. It was a little dramatic. Anyways, here we are a month and a week later and Barca is worse off than ever and I'm almost out of money PLUS the weather is colder.
Essentially, feel like shit, just want her back. I feel awful because I pushed to move the trip to Sept so hard and now it's worse than ever. This feels like such a stroke of badluck. Juan is also so excited and he leans on his luck, much like I do, and believes in his heart that the trip will work out. I used to think like that but this is just so unlucky, it feels cursed. Juan always has such a sunny disposition and sometimes I feel like I'm the curse.
I love Juan but I don't think I deserve him and I don't think I'm as in love with him as I should be. We say I Love You now but there are so many things he doesn't know that would disprove that. I went on a tinder date with some german guy who I'm essentially more compatible with and Juan knows it was a platonic date but I didn't exactly tell the date....
When I was in highschool and the years after, I was the kind of person who made it his life mission to be a nice person. I just wished everyone was nice so that the world could be better so I strived to be good. Eventually, I realised it's quite nice to be bad. I was watching Kidding on Stan and the parents admired that their kid was a bit of an asshole - which I connected to.
I found that I didn't have to be nice all the time and it was so freeing. Like for real, I was so awkward and unnecessarily nice.
However, I'm at a point now where I can't tell if I'm good at all anymore. I think in my heart of hearts, I think I'm a good person - someone that I like. But when I have to face the things I've done to people who I care about, I don't think I'd like me if i met me. I would think I was an asshole.
I can't even think straight at the moment - my life is just a bit of a mess right now.
I feel like a giant child.
Also my visa finishes right at the end of the year and I've no idea how easy it will be for me to extend my visa.
Will
