So I've been a bit lazy - I keep writing half-posts and then realising it takes too much brain power so I stop and I end up with soooo many drafts. Anyways, I decided to ditch them and try again lol This post will be both about Juan and Language, hence the horrendous title.
So I'm still dating Juan, the Argentinian cook I mentioned in the first 'how I'm feeling now' post. We hang out a lot and it's very cute and romantic. However, I've yet to say I love you back and I can't quite figure out what to do. His own ily's have been side remarks and I think he's waiting for me to say it first before he says it outright.
First, let's go over my reasons for not saying I Love You back. On the surface, it's an appearance/attraction thing, which I realise is very shallow of me. I don't think Juan is ugly hahahaha he can be quite handsome but sometimes in bed, I find myself LOOKING for those angle. He also pulls the worst faces during sex loooool. And I wish he had a better body - BUT these are very shallow things and I of course value him much more than that. But it is on my mind every now and then. Oh! But the sex is better!! Ever since we had a talk about it, the sex has improved. I think he's trying harder and so am I. But that brings me to my next point, which I think breaks my heart the most.
In past relationships (relationships-ish*), I've experienced feelings of giddiness and excitement but I don't really have that with Juan.
I'm always happy to see him though. I do find myself thinking, I'm so lucky and happy to be here. It's really nice to have someone you can rely on and we do both care for each other really deeply.
I also think we're very similar which is quite new to me.
I STOPPED WRITING TO GO MEET HIM AND NOW IT'S THE NEXT DAY LOL
So ja, we're quite similar in a lot of ways - here's how:
- We both consider ourselves very lucky - things just fall into our lap and we always manage to get by. We sort of lean on it when we need to. Deep down, I think it's a positive attitude mixed with a little delusion lol but it works for me! And I think it works for Juan too.
- We're both creatives - he writes poetry and makes music - Idk what I do - editing, film stuff hahhahaha I used to write poetry.
- We're both quite sensitive although he's much better at expressing his emotions.
- We both strive to be nice - he does a better job than me though lol
- We're both vers!! whoo!!!!!
Anyways, the craziest thing happened yesterday! So we were in Juan's kitchen making food - I was making Alison Roman's famous chickpea stew lol because Juan had a tooth ache.
Then one of Juan's roommates came in and we were talking and she was like, "Oh, Julian's coming soon!"
And I was like, "Is Julian ur partner? o_o"
And she was like, "Welllll I wouldn't really call him my boyfriend... Julian and I have known each other for a really long time - we came from the same town. Then he moved to Berlin after I did and we started seeing each other. Then with corona, we've been seeing each other a lot more and our relationship has grown quite a bit but I don't think we love each other. I like him a lot, he's really cute and we really like being around each other, but I'm the type of person who only wants to seriously date someone I can see a future with and Julian doesn't give me that feeling. But hey, the sex is still good!"
Okay it wasn't that dramatic but it was crazy - she basically was spelling out my feelings about Juan right in front of me AND Juan. And the whole fknnnn time I was so tempted to be like omg girl SAMMMMEEEEE but ofc I couldn't because it was about Juan who was right next to me.
Anyways, I think that sort-of solidified my feelings about Juan.
I'm being a bit of a coward right now but I want to tell him soon.
I do think about our potential future a lot. Juan is actually on track to opening a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Berlin called Elstakio. He's teaming up with two of his Argentinian friends and they're getting a really good deal for the location they want. have complete faith in him. It's his dream and he's really excited. I would love to support him through it and watch him grow, really. I've also met most of his friends in Berlin and they're all really lovely. I'd love to learn Spanish so he can speak in his native tongue and so I can listen to his friends talk at parties. I'd love to have an Argentinian-Vietnamese wedding. I'd love for us to cook for each other and I'd love to visit restaurants all over the world with him.
But it can't happen without me lying to myself and to him.
I know deep down it won't work out. And I realise this might sound like stubbornness or an unwarranted and early sense of doom, but my whole life - I've known myself and I've trusted in my instincts. I just know. And it breaks my heart - but not in a heartbreak sort-of way really - more just a sadness for what could've been.
I hope we can stay friends somehow.
FUCK I forgot to talk about Language looooooool Maybe next time ;)
