Update - Oktober 21

 Hellooooooo,

Just read Maria's blog and look at us! Content with life!!! Verrrrrückt!!

Okay, I'm going to write a list of what I can talk about so I can go back to it and I WON'T delete it before posting because I'm quirky 😌😌😌

• work
• lovelife
• home
• friends

I added friends at the end because I feel odd that I never pile them in with what I like to think are the pillars of my life, of any life. But they're important, I know I know!

WORK

Work has been busy and stressful and eating up my life but I don't mind so much. At the moment, I'm working at a company called ANORAK Film - we produce ads mostly, and some music videos. I'm currently their content creator and head of socials - oh I just remembered I spoke about them in me last post.

brb

Okay - just read - whoa, quite a difference in some ways!

So, work:

Juliette has since left to write a book - which I love. It's strange, because we have everything to get along super well but there's always this odd disconnect between us. It could just be me but it's so potent. Okay, not potent but rather, present. I wonder if we'd have been closer friends if we met elsewhere? Probably not tbh! But that's not a bad thing. Either way, I think we bonded quite well over anxiety.

However, I'm not as anxious about work anymore even if Juliette is no longer in the office. In fact, I feel like I have so much more agency now that I'm the head instagram bitch. I'm being offered a contract and with that comes a work visa! Although, of course, one smol worry - I sometimes feel like I'm not going towards my goals because I'm not editing. And as more time passes, the older I get, and the less I can build this experience that somehow only feels appropriate when I'm young. However! I often have to slap myself when these thoughts come in because it's never quite the end. I can learn this new software with online classes, I can keep making connections at my work - there are options out there and the only gurantee of failure is not trying, right? Idk, I will report back when I get older and wiser, will let u know.

My bosses have also expressed that they like me 😳 And although my inability to understand german often feels like it gets in the way... apparently it doesn't??

Anyways, love life.

As in let's talk about my lovelife but also luvvvv lyffff

It's fine hahhaha I currently have ass and balls eczema but I'm getting on top of it!! So someone can get on top of me 😔😔

I've also been yearning for a relationship hahha but only because one guy I met once at a party was nice to me and we accidentally forgot to exchange contact details after spending an entire night together and it feels so poetic looool :') It's what's keeping me together whilst also somehow unravelling me. We ended up living super close together so I'm holding onto this hopeless romantic idea of us running into each other and we'll be like omg I missed you. 

Of course, won't happen like that but a young twink can dream.

Also! Charles and I broke up! He broke my liddle heart hahhhaha Although I did the breaking up, it definitely felt like I was the one being broken up with. I won't go into that much detail because it feels quite a long way behind me and in fact, I won't hahhah it's all so silly.

However, I will say I wore a little black dress inspired by Princess Di's revenge dress during the breakup and I have a lot of pride over that. No idea why, I think I just looked good, and grown, and classy, and it felt like revenge hahhah silly silly silly

In the end, I've come to realise that I just want to be with someone where it feels easy to be in a relationship with them.

Is that a thing? I've been learning all the other lessons - that people are their own people, that relationships require work, communication, not projecting feelings etc

But I just want to be in a relationship that genuinely feels secure and fulfilling.

home\\

Living with Louis has been great! Of course there are ups and downs but in the end, I think it's very clear that we love each other. I enjoy the dynamic that comes with us just naturally going against our own genders, almost like we've actively switched traditional roles - but it's because we don't care to restrict ourselves.

We are about to have a bottle of exxy wine and cheese.

fwends

Hmmmm I like the friends I have, obvi, but sometimes I find myself at home on a weekend alone and I think, hm, I wish I had more friends. In saying that, I do love the friends I have here. 

I have this new friend - Sara from Spain. They're the kind of person who will meet you at an event, be super friendly and open, and actually make plans with you soon after?? That's what they did with me. They're always inviting me out and I know that their friends will be in the same boat, you know? Just plucked off the streets of berlin to join Sara's vast group of friends. They recently said that they find it very easy to talk with me which I was very happy to hear.

Final words, things are going swell. Clubs are opening againnnnn so I've been going out, going to parties, having fun, meeting random ppl. It's of course all very nerve-wracking, not because covid, but just... socialising and being around ppl. I'm realising now, since I'm living in such a loudly queer city, the people who make me the most nervous at the club now... are the mean gays?!?!

But really, they can be so vicious for no reason. These are specifically the gays that are super hip, very techno, and act like the mean girls in highschool, idk why.

However, I also know the feeling of putting up a barrier because you're so often shunned by society (this sounds joker-ish, bare with me). I often do present a cold exterior in public because I'm so used to being judged and the natural reaction to that, when you know you don't deserve shame, is to idk bare your fangs, show them that it doesn't affect you, because you're stronger and better than that - than to let bigoted people tell you what you can and can't be.

That's such a shame.

But it's not to say that things aren't changing - but also, I really just want to bite their heads off when they're mean for no reason like chill out - look at me, look at you!! Stop being mean to me.

Sorry if this post sounded ramble-y, I guess I'm just in a good mood and my excitedness? comes out like train-of-thought-like writing.

Okaty, tchüssi!!

Will

Life update - April '21

Hi all,

I thought I should update - seeing as things feel a lot different now.

When Charles had left, I actually did stop smoking weed and my life improved hahahha There was a very rough first week of no weed where my relationship with Charles was so uncertain, as well as my job, and I just could not sleep well for three consecutive nights (which apparently is normal when you stop smoking weed after a while) but oooooft it's messy.

But! I had a talk with my boss before she went on leave - Juliette, the head of social media I mean - and it went so well. I think she could relate a lot to feeling uneasy in the first month at this company, so she was really understanding and I could see she started to be more supportive and it was such a relief. She went on leave and I had to look after the instagram and I'm hoping + praying that she's happy with what I did hahhahaha But it gave me a chance to interact quite often with the second-in-charge at the company and that was good - I think I did well. I'm officially freelancing with them though - so nothing is really as stable as I had hoped but I do think they're trying to be supportive of me? Ich bin nicht so sicher - aber ich muss nur positiv sein.

Anyways, these past couple of weeks, as I've been reflecting on my life, I've been thinking, hmmm, things as per usual worked out. I landed on my feet - again!! Somehow - irgendwie!

Things with Charles have been good - he comes back from the Canary Islands tomorrow and I think we basically settled things on the phone. I guess we'll just have to see when we talk tomorrow. I like him a lot but I have a bad feeling I'll hurt him - just something I'll do carelessly. Obviously I don't want to but idk, it's just a bad feeling at this point - and I don't really know what that means myself. I guess the best thing I can do is endeavour not to ? Hm :/ I keep saying current boyfriend accidentally when I talk about him to other people - that's a bad sign. He's my partner - my boyfriend! I like him a lot! What's wrong with me. I really hope I'm not just bad at being a boyfriend ? Scary.

And finally - I'm moving in with Ella soon. Thankfully I finally got paid my first invoice from Anorak so it'll be much less difficult to move now. I'm excited. I can't say I'm super excited because the room is so tiny hahah but I'm sure I'll settle into it. I get to move in with Ella though and I can't wait to cook for her and just hang out and get to know her more. She's young and queer and super sweet and that's so exciting!!! I'm ALSO super excited to just stop living with Barbara. It really is so exhausting. She can be so negative and I constantly feel like I'm doing everything in my power to keep her happy because I hate dealing with her when she's upset. I do feel that a big part of it all is my difficulty with confrontation. I'm not very confrontational at all and in the end, it didn't work well with Barbara. I can't wait to stop living here. I hope it's the final building block to building the life I always wanted in Berlin. That, and this fucking pandemic being over hahhahaha but every day here, it really does feel neverending. 

Deep down, I still feel anxious that everything will crumble very suddenly - but I'm also looking forward to life just improving. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about my own sense of insecurity.

I think it does scare me a lot, and I can see how it affects the way I act and am, but maybe it also humbles me? But I can recognise how that's such a dumb thing to say.

I just don't want to be an asshole too.

I am often quite a scared person and I wish I wasn't.

I often think, actually, that if life was a movie, I would be the person the strong, direct hero would say "admit it, deep down, you're a coward" to and they'd be right.

I feel like that's a little silly/heavy to say but it really is something that I think about every now and then.

Anyways, this was supposed to be a ~~~postitive~~~ update after the last post hahhaha

It really is nice to look back to a month ago and think, oh - things are going well.

I hope they stay that way. And if they don't, I hope I can get through it.

I guess only time will tell.

Will

2021 as of yet

I don't really know where to start with this post.

I have a lot of drafts on here because whenever I get quite sad, I try to write it out - but then I get sick of it and then I just have these two paragraph posts titled "Berlin is breaking my heart". 

And so, here I am - writing because I'm sad. 

It's an overcast Spring Sunday and I'm alone in the apartment of the guy I'm dating. His name is Charles, he's a year older and he's a programmer from Brisbane. He left this morning for the Canary Islands in Spain - however, I feel like he'll be my biggest topic (if I reach it) so I'll leave it until then.

It's actually kinda funny that he'll probably be my biggest point because February has passed, and for me, February this year was a make-or-break month and it ended up being fine  Most importantly, I had my visa appointment due and I was running out of money. Those things are working themselves out, finally, but still my life still seems to revolve around love - something that I really looked down on in my younger adult years hahaha

It was also the mark of one full year in Berlin. It's a little wild to think that I've been here for more than a year now. When February 2021 had arrived, I felt like I was in the exact same spot that I was a year before, except without my savings. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my time here.

I do recognise that there was a pandemic, living in a new city is hard, and despite it all, I still learnt so much. I learnt a lot about myself.

At the moment, however, I don't really like myself.

I should provide context before I get any deeper hahahaha

My life as of today in bullet points (kept simple, will hopefully elaborate somewhere in this post):

• I was granted a freelancer visa which is a visa that allows me to stay in Germany so long as I'm getting regular gigs - what a relief!
• I'm currently working at a production company called ANORAK - they produce commercials and music videos mostly and I'm in their social media team - I'm in a trial month and I can't really tell if they like me...
• You already know about Charles - we've been dating since around the start of December and we met on Tinder. We had a proper chat about our relationship and it didn't end well and now he's in Spain - things are still quite open-ended.
• I'm moving out of my current apartment in mid-April to live with Ella in an area called Wedding.
• I've been smoking a lot of weed and I think it's been affecting my memory and just my brain. I want to stop today.

Let's start off relatively positive: Getting the visa was a huge relief (however I still feel like I'm holding my breath while I wait for it to come in the mail but deep down, I know it'll be fine). I interviewed for the Anorak job a little over a week before my visa interview. I ended up getting offered a trial month at Anorak very shortly after and there was a chance maybe that I could apply for a longer visa but the timing just didn't work. I actually ended up getting all my visa things together quite last minute once I realised there wasn't a way to get the other visa before my freelance visa appointment and I probably would've been so disappointed in myself if I didn't get my visa extended. However, I'm proud to say that I got through the whole interview in German and maybe that was a reason they accepted my admittedly shoddy visa application loool

Before I can get into my new job, we have to talk about the weed problem. It's become a little self-destructive and it actually started off quite light-hearted. There was a point where it felt so carefree and simply recreational - it just made me feel good and didn't feel detrimental. It actually became a big part of my relationship with Charles too and this I don't mind so much but we did touch on it during our talk last night. It's been worrying me a lot. I find myself blanking a lot during conversations and I think it's part of why I'm underperforming at my new job (this has made me feel so disappointed in myself recently). I'm also just so much more anxious than usual. To clarify, this has been more of an issue in the last two months than it has before. I just don't have very good self-control, but it's something I want to work on.

With Anorak, there's this weird disconnect between me and my boss who's the head of social media there. I can't help but respond awkwardly to her and also I think she can feel how much I'm not really working. As in, I am doing the work, but not great. I think she has a very New York mindset (she's American and I think she's lived in NY for some time) and by that, I mean life seems to be all about Hustle and working hard to get what you really want - just proving yourself constantly because you have what it takes, you just have to show it. I used to be very that too, at one point of my life, but I often feel like I'm just trying to get by and that's already quite exhausting. 

I feel like a different person from who I want to be, but I'm just watching it happen from the outside.

I really love this company but I think I'm making a bad first impression? Or, it's not, and I'm just too paranoid, and the paranoia is actually making me come off as weird? Which is a bad first impression hahhaha I really just cannot tell.

I hope that it's not too late for me, and that I can start being myself once I stop smoking weed. 

I'm actually going to go see my friend Tanina now, so I will try to wrap this up. You'll have to hear about Charles and also the moving situation another time. I mostly want to publish this so it's out there.

Berlin has been so emotionally exhausting. I'm really eager to turn my life around though. It's so strange that everything seems to be working out how I want but I still feel so much angst.

I'm not entirely sure when I'll write next to be honest. I really hope I can get it together.

Will