Written a bit after the new year:
2014 started off quite nicely, I suppose. These past weeks I was aching to spend new years at a beach party and I guess I sorta got there. On the 31st, drew took us to Garrie Beach and it was so nice! Although, a tiny bit more sun would've been perfect, the weather was great. It was pretty breezy but not so much that it was cold and it was nice enough for drew to fly his kite. The sand was nice, the waves were great and maria/huynh let me use the boogie boards I chose not to buy. Hopefully I still have my old boards. I also wore my trusty sombrero which I love and snapped a new fb profile pic with. You know what I just realised? I spent nye with two separate groups of ppl and we're all in the same group anyways hahahah [except for hellen, fk hellen]. Anyways, we got home and then Jess picked me up so I could spend New Years Eve at Coogee beach. We had trouble deciding where to park our behinds but we settled on Coogee. We drank a bit and then we laid down in the sand. The sand was nice and cool and the stars weren't very visible but it was nice to see an almost-black sky with grey clouds. That has a niceness in itself. I kept looking at my watch to start counting down but it was then that I learnt that my watch was slow. Like, thirty seconds to midnight, people started cheering and running into the water, and hellen and collin were like, brah, too early, what losers. Then hellen looked at her phone and we started cheering lol and hugging and saying happy new year!!! Then Jess went to the ocean to, um, have a swim and shortly after, I took off my clothes and ran half naked into la mer. Then we took a taxi to central where we sang with the pal boys and their girls. Then we went back to the beach, took photos of the beautiful sunrise - a great sunrise to start 2014 with and then we went home.
I think I was just happy to spend the last minutes of 2013 lying in cool sand, listening to the soothing sounds of waves collapsing upon waves and Nicki Minaj.
Which brings me to the next topic, what was going to be the song of 2014? If you didn't know already, I sorta make my resolutions through songs and what they mean to me. I've no idea what to do for this year. It's been 6 days and nope, no song. Jess su-jess-ted that I do Pound the Alarm because why not and I was like yeah, why not! And then I thought about how I wanted this year to go and if I wanted a year full of parties and dancing, I would definitely make it Pound the Alarm. But that's not my main priority this year. In fact, I don't know what my main priority really is. Is it getting my life on track? Is it pursuing the dream?
When I got home, I played Riptide in bed. It was nice. I love that song.
It is now the 26th and I still don't have a song.
Whoops, first of feb. Anyways,
Hello, 11th now.
I'm sorry, Miss Jackson, OOOOH. I am 4 real. Never meant to make your daughter cry, I apologise a trillion times.
You know what I loved? When I was working two days before new years day, there'd be a customer every now and then that would wish me a happy new year. If i were working on nye, I prolly would've wished every customer one, but since it was too early, I decided not to, and the ones that did before they left made me really happy.
I've been so sad lately.
The beach house was great! It was v chill but sometimes too much chill is boring, you know? I think I felt boredom too much, but I had fun as well. I felt so guilty throughout the trip though. I wish I could just float again. I took on too many responsibilities and now it feels like I'm combusting but in slow motion, until I am nothing but embers that fade into sparks and then nothing altogether.
I'm a mess, I'm a mess - how could I let myself come to this.
So I've been writing poetry and whatnot on my phone. Also, I'm gonna stop all this writing and publishing immediately nonsense because it just ain't good. I'm only releasing the good stuff now, not the words from the top of my head. Anyways, I was looking back at my secret journal yesterday and the last passage was actually from february 2013. And I sounded so happy and excited and hopeful. I went back further and it was just so nice to be in the past for a moment. I read the parts of the journal from 2010 and my problems were so tiny. I didn't care about school all too much and the only thing that made me particularly sad was Eeh. Eeh was my biggest problem back then. What I would do to be back in that kind a situation again. Haha, remember my blog posts about that boy. To be honest, I'll always love and want Eeh. Not that I still particularly love or want Eeh right now, it's just that he'll always be
that boy to me. Always. I'm glad I liked him out of everybody else. I can't say the same for him but OH WELLS. Anyways, reading the journal reminded me of a thing I wrote a few weeks ago:
I miss everything. I miss
2010. I miss how new everything was becoming. I miss being doe-eyed and
unaware or rather, ignorant as to how my actions would affect my future.
I miss the naivety and unknowing pain of being in love with a straight
boy. I miss seeking attention anywhere I could get it. I miss feeling
more accomplished than I do now. I miss feeling like I was different. I
was the same as a million other people, but I was changing and I miss
that also. I miss the way blocked noses and 63% were the worst things
that happened to me. I miss a lot of things, and I miss 2010.
I think I'm gonna make that an instagram description on a tbt some day LOL
Gosh, I keep making bad decisions. The whole of 2013 was a bad decision. I'm glad with all the new things I did though. All the beaches I went to and all the fun I had with friends. I'm thankful for the joy I felt. I can't say 2013 was the best year of my life, but it wasn't the worst. Although clouded with my irresponsibility and mistakes, 2013 was a fun year.
Too fucking bad, aye?
I'm both happy and sad and happy and sad and happy and irrevocably sad.
I want so badly to follow my dream but I have to swim there and I'm afraid of the ocean.
"She will weep until she drowns" - six word story.
That is all. I'll leave you now. Thanks for reading.
