Wednesday 28 May 2014

Maps, Part IV

Why did I make a series called Maps? Especially since each segment is essentially like all my other blog posts? Because I love making series LOL It makes me feel fancy and it's like an art project. Maybe this is my tiny effort to get a little structure back in my life.

Anyways, this is the last installment of the Maps series. The Maps series is my way of blogging about my current situation.  It's all about being lost and finding a way. I want to say, I really do, that I can finish this series as if I did find my way but not all good things last and not all lasting things are good. All I see is lines upon lines, cities and towns - coastal lines, brown and blue, train tracks and lakes. And these lines can't tell me where to go. I'm just a confused kid staring at that big book of maps that his dad always left by the front seat. All I see is lines upon lines, come together, intersecting, overlapping. To put it simply, I'm lost.

Where do I fit? Where do I go from here? Where is 'here'?

I thought about my life as if I had continued with engineering. I imagined what it would have been like if I was good at it. I'd be so proud of myself but I know - I just know - I'd still be lost. that's the thing about engineering for me. I could always say "buckle down, William. Do the work. Sit down and just fucking do it." And maybe I could. If I just focused and tried harder then maybe I could've become a biomedical engineer. But I know now (and this is why I know engineering was just not for me) and I've always known, I would've never been happy.

And then we came to teaching. I'm unsure about teaching. I thought about picking up education. Really, the only reason I thought about education was because it was the only university course that I would have been content with. And there's that word again. "Content". I remember back in the post-hsc period, I kept blogging about how I just cruised during the exam period and I did pretty well for myself. Welp, it has become very apparent that I can't do that anymore. Floating. That's another word I have some sort of odd attachment to. I wanted to live life easy and slowly, savoring each moment.

I don't quite know what I'm doing anymore. I think I'm sinking.

And here we are again, using tacky ocean metaphors to explain what it is to be me - and yet, I'm not drowning, not yet. I'm not a sufferer yet because my life is easy. I've got everything at my fingertips. I'm just lazy. I always have been, I'm a flawed being. I'm selfish, self-centred, self-obsessed. I'm a jealous fool. I crave attention and live my life as if I'm constantly being watched and judged. As if someone like me were watching and laughing. And I'll list all my flaws but I won't do a single thing to change anything at all.

I lost my first kiss the other day. It wasn't romantic or actually anything like I'd thought it would be. I didn't know the guy at all. I even got his name wrong and he got my name wrong. He thought my name was Timothy, lol. Growing up in CVHS, I always thought I'd kiss someone shorter than me. All the boys I ever liked (apart from Lexy Bui, although that was brief, and really, actually nothing at all - btw, new name for him because it sounds like sexy boy and that's what he is) were shorter than me, so I thought I'd always be leaning or facing downwards. My first kiss was sitting down and there was a lot of tongue and groping. I was pretty tipsy and I liked the way his stubble felt against my lips and the way he looked at me. Then we moved to the dance floor with his boyfriend (don't judge, don't judge, don't judge) and I made out with him there and lord, I was on the tip of my toes. It was hard trying to focus on the mouth action whilst balancing on my toes. I made out with his boyfriend for a second too but I wasn't at all interested in him. And I guess what I did was sorta sleazy but I wouldn't ever change it. Not for one second would I change what happened. It made my night. And so that, my readers, was the story of my first kiss.

Moving on from that - recently I was dreaming of escape... to Germany or France haha It all stemmed from those Stromae music videos and I just- I wanted to be artistic and I wanted to make films all the time and make friends with artsy people and direct and make art and ughhhhhh.

But now, I'm veering away from all that. I'm slowly getting my head out of the clouds and it's such an absolutely depressing notion.

Wow, okay, I don't actually know what to feel anymore, haha. Am I lost? Am I just standing in one spot as life passes by so incredibly quickly?

Who knows? I sure don't.

What am I doing?

I'm not sad. I'm just a little confused.

Cue photos:

[22/04/2014]

Cool kids in a cool car parked in a cool carpark by a cool beach.






Kinda looks like there's a rave going on in the backseat.

Damn.


Tries to look cool.

Just doesn't.

Damn, Collin. Jess, you can try harder, come on, girl.

Aaaaaand he lost it.

Damn, nevermind, ck. Jess going for that broken but hot girl sorta look.

Ecigs are fun!

hahaha

Look at dem blurraye lady legs hahahha wtf

Look deep into my Asian slants.
End the Map series. Thank you for sticking with me and goodbye.

Saturday 17 May 2014

Embarrassing Anecdote Thyme

So I'm at the canley heights bistro, right? And I'm sorta pretty tipsy, having fun. I realise I need to pee so I go to the bathroom. I know where it is, but I've never actually been to the bathroom. Anyways, as I'm turning in, I see the first door and it's the lady's room. I turn further in and realise it's a tiny hall and opposite the girl's room is the boy's bathroom. In fact, the tiny hallway has four doors, two doors on each wall facing each other. On one wall, two ladies' rooms and the other, two men's rooms so I'm like cool, two boy's rooms so less chance of the room being full! As I walk into the closest door to me, I notice another guy walking into the men's room next to mine. I go in, the stall is taken and there's some dude waiting outside the stall whilst standing right next to the urinals, so I'm like lol, awks, no (in that order). So I walk out, and the same guy who walked into the other room walks out of his room at the same moment as me! And now, we visit my train of thought in slow motion. I see him and he sees me. I realise he probably came out for the same reasons, at the same time. We both laugh. I notice he's actually pretty cute, but I get a straight vibe. And yet, he seems like a cool enough guy and I'm tipsy enough to have a sorta peaking confidence, so I actually go in for a handshake. We're both smiling - smiling at the situation and as I go for a handshake, so does he. I find it strange that he's putting out his left hand. Our hands are just about to touch and there it is. My hand hits glass as if there's this glass wall between us, designed to stop us from meeting. And it all hits me so quickly.

It was a mirror. It wasn't a tiny hallway, it was all just reflections. There were only two doors, one for boys and one for girls. There was only one boy's bathroom. And that guy who came out at the same time as me was my reflection. It was so heartbreaking. I died. I was so devastated when I realised it was a mirror. Like my mind literally thought for a split second that there was a glass wall keeping me from this guy. Anyways, I left embarrassed and laughing at myself (pretty much how I leave a lot of things) and now, I'm seeing just how in love with myself I am. I mean, I saw my reflection and thought "he's kinda cute", what is wrong with me LOL And even so, you can see my insecurities when you see that I didn't even think I was that cute, I was sorta surprised that a guy who looked like that could possibly be cute at all, oh my god.

Anyways, topic change. I've been listening to this guy from Belgium called Stromae and he sings things in French, so naturally, my inner-wannabe-cultured-cool-kid wants to listen. I liked this one music video of his for a sog called Tous Les Mêmes. Anyways, check this other song out which actually got a shitload more views then tous les memes. It's called Papaoutai. 



It's absolutely gorgeous and so very, very sad. I looked up an english translation of the song and the chorus/title of the song translates to "Where are you? Pa, where are you?" Like holy smokes, I love this song and music video so much right now. Anyways, that's it for tonight. Thanks for reading, my dears.

Monday 12 May 2014

How Vicious

Self-confidence, cockiness, humility and insecurity.

Be cocky to your lovers, but be humble to your friends.

Find balance. Don't be that guy.

Just another life lesson from a guy who doesn't know what he's talking about.

Anyways, let's move on to a bunch of photos from the 9th of May.

This was my skin back when I decided to keep the flash on. Also, that's Vic.

This is my skin after turning off flash - good product, would recommend, 10/10

New name, it's short for Gay.


Who dat, who dat, that do dat, do dat

Praise

Creep

We went to eat Korean

And that's the name of the place we went to. I think it means, Buckwheat Noodles, but idk




They are OBsessed

When one smiles with teeth, they other shall not

Spent the first hour of uts uni thingo with this loser. At one point I came to the conclusion that we have nothing in common, and he mentioned glasses then we started talking about contacts. That pretty much sums up our relationship.


We stumbled across this little doorway at Ambercrombie's.

Lookin' mysterious.



G'd up.


Being straight tastes weird.

So does being gay.


Midriffin'.

A photo of the CC who kindly took a heckload of photos of us.

Ambercrombie's is his fave bar and they are so cute together.

I'm super bad at taking photos.

He cute and she pretty.





Maps, Part IV - the final segment - coming soon. Thank you, stay tuned and good night.