Update - Oktober 21

 Hellooooooo,

Just read Maria's blog and look at us! Content with life!!! Verrrrrückt!!

Okay, I'm going to write a list of what I can talk about so I can go back to it and I WON'T delete it before posting because I'm quirky 😌😌😌

• work
• lovelife
• home
• friends

I added friends at the end because I feel odd that I never pile them in with what I like to think are the pillars of my life, of any life. But they're important, I know I know!

WORK

Work has been busy and stressful and eating up my life but I don't mind so much. At the moment, I'm working at a company called ANORAK Film - we produce ads mostly, and some music videos. I'm currently their content creator and head of socials - oh I just remembered I spoke about them in me last post.

brb

Okay - just read - whoa, quite a difference in some ways!

So, work:

Juliette has since left to write a book - which I love. It's strange, because we have everything to get along super well but there's always this odd disconnect between us. It could just be me but it's so potent. Okay, not potent but rather, present. I wonder if we'd have been closer friends if we met elsewhere? Probably not tbh! But that's not a bad thing. Either way, I think we bonded quite well over anxiety.

However, I'm not as anxious about work anymore even if Juliette is no longer in the office. In fact, I feel like I have so much more agency now that I'm the head instagram bitch. I'm being offered a contract and with that comes a work visa! Although, of course, one smol worry - I sometimes feel like I'm not going towards my goals because I'm not editing. And as more time passes, the older I get, and the less I can build this experience that somehow only feels appropriate when I'm young. However! I often have to slap myself when these thoughts come in because it's never quite the end. I can learn this new software with online classes, I can keep making connections at my work - there are options out there and the only gurantee of failure is not trying, right? Idk, I will report back when I get older and wiser, will let u know.

My bosses have also expressed that they like me 😳 And although my inability to understand german often feels like it gets in the way... apparently it doesn't??

Anyways, love life.

As in let's talk about my lovelife but also luvvvv lyffff

It's fine hahhaha I currently have ass and balls eczema but I'm getting on top of it!! So someone can get on top of me 😔😔

I've also been yearning for a relationship hahha but only because one guy I met once at a party was nice to me and we accidentally forgot to exchange contact details after spending an entire night together and it feels so poetic looool :') It's what's keeping me together whilst also somehow unravelling me. We ended up living super close together so I'm holding onto this hopeless romantic idea of us running into each other and we'll be like omg I missed you. 

Of course, won't happen like that but a young twink can dream.

Also! Charles and I broke up! He broke my liddle heart hahhhaha Although I did the breaking up, it definitely felt like I was the one being broken up with. I won't go into that much detail because it feels quite a long way behind me and in fact, I won't hahhah it's all so silly.

However, I will say I wore a little black dress inspired by Princess Di's revenge dress during the breakup and I have a lot of pride over that. No idea why, I think I just looked good, and grown, and classy, and it felt like revenge hahhah silly silly silly

In the end, I've come to realise that I just want to be with someone where it feels easy to be in a relationship with them.

Is that a thing? I've been learning all the other lessons - that people are their own people, that relationships require work, communication, not projecting feelings etc

But I just want to be in a relationship that genuinely feels secure and fulfilling.

home\\

Living with Louis has been great! Of course there are ups and downs but in the end, I think it's very clear that we love each other. I enjoy the dynamic that comes with us just naturally going against our own genders, almost like we've actively switched traditional roles - but it's because we don't care to restrict ourselves.

We are about to have a bottle of exxy wine and cheese.

fwends

Hmmmm I like the friends I have, obvi, but sometimes I find myself at home on a weekend alone and I think, hm, I wish I had more friends. In saying that, I do love the friends I have here. 

I have this new friend - Sara from Spain. They're the kind of person who will meet you at an event, be super friendly and open, and actually make plans with you soon after?? That's what they did with me. They're always inviting me out and I know that their friends will be in the same boat, you know? Just plucked off the streets of berlin to join Sara's vast group of friends. They recently said that they find it very easy to talk with me which I was very happy to hear.

Final words, things are going swell. Clubs are opening againnnnn so I've been going out, going to parties, having fun, meeting random ppl. It's of course all very nerve-wracking, not because covid, but just... socialising and being around ppl. I'm realising now, since I'm living in such a loudly queer city, the people who make me the most nervous at the club now... are the mean gays?!?!

But really, they can be so vicious for no reason. These are specifically the gays that are super hip, very techno, and act like the mean girls in highschool, idk why.

However, I also know the feeling of putting up a barrier because you're so often shunned by society (this sounds joker-ish, bare with me). I often do present a cold exterior in public because I'm so used to being judged and the natural reaction to that, when you know you don't deserve shame, is to idk bare your fangs, show them that it doesn't affect you, because you're stronger and better than that - than to let bigoted people tell you what you can and can't be.

That's such a shame.

But it's not to say that things aren't changing - but also, I really just want to bite their heads off when they're mean for no reason like chill out - look at me, look at you!! Stop being mean to me.

Sorry if this post sounded ramble-y, I guess I'm just in a good mood and my excitedness? comes out like train-of-thought-like writing.

Okaty, tchüssi!!

Will