I don't really know where to start with this post.
I have a lot of drafts on here because whenever I get quite sad, I try to write it out - but then I get sick of it and then I just have these two paragraph posts titled "Berlin is breaking my heart".
And so, here I am - writing because I'm sad.
It's an overcast Spring Sunday and I'm alone in the apartment of the guy I'm dating. His name is Charles, he's a year older and he's a programmer from Brisbane. He left this morning for the Canary Islands in Spain - however, I feel like he'll be my biggest topic (if I reach it) so I'll leave it until then.
It's actually kinda funny that he'll probably be my biggest point because February has passed, and for me, February this year was a make-or-break month and it ended up being fine Most importantly, I had my visa appointment due and I was running out of money. Those things are working themselves out, finally, but still my life still seems to revolve around love - something that I really looked down on in my younger adult years hahaha
It was also the mark of one full year in Berlin. It's a little wild to think that I've been here for more than a year now. When February 2021 had arrived, I felt like I was in the exact same spot that I was a year before, except without my savings. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my time here.
I do recognise that there was a pandemic, living in a new city is hard, and despite it all, I still learnt so much. I learnt a lot about myself.
At the moment, however, I don't really like myself.
I should provide context before I get any deeper hahahaha
My life as of today in bullet points (kept simple, will hopefully elaborate somewhere in this post):
- I was granted a freelancer visa which is a visa that allows me to stay in Germany so long as I'm getting regular gigs - what a relief!
- I'm currently working at a production company called ANORAK - they produce commercials and music videos mostly and I'm in their social media team - I'm in a trial month and I can't really tell if they like me...
- You already know about Charles - we've been dating since around the start of December and we met on Tinder. We had a proper chat about our relationship and it didn't end well and now he's in Spain - things are still quite open-ended.
- I'm moving out of my current apartment in mid-April to live with Ella in an area called Wedding.
- I've been smoking a lot of weed and I think it's been affecting my memory and just my brain. I want to stop today.
Let's start off relatively positive: Getting the visa was a huge relief (however I still feel like I'm holding my breath while I wait for it to come in the mail but deep down, I know it'll be fine). I interviewed for the Anorak job a little over a week before my visa interview. I ended up getting offered a trial month at Anorak very shortly after and there was a chance maybe that I could apply for a longer visa but the timing just didn't work. I actually ended up getting all my visa things together quite last minute once I realised there wasn't a way to get the other visa before my freelance visa appointment and I probably would've been so disappointed in myself if I didn't get my visa extended. However, I'm proud to say that I got through the whole interview in German and maybe that was a reason they accepted my admittedly shoddy visa application loool
Before I can get into my new job, we have to talk about the weed problem. It's become a little self-destructive and it actually started off quite light-hearted. There was a point where it felt so carefree and simply recreational - it just made me feel good and didn't feel detrimental. It actually became a big part of my relationship with Charles too and this I don't mind so much but we did touch on it during our talk last night. It's been worrying me a lot. I find myself blanking a lot during conversations and I think it's part of why I'm underperforming at my new job (this has made me feel so disappointed in myself recently). I'm also just so much more anxious than usual. To clarify, this has been more of an issue in the last two months than it has before. I just don't have very good self-control, but it's something I want to work on.
With Anorak, there's this weird disconnect between me and my boss who's the head of social media there. I can't help but respond awkwardly to her and also I think she can feel how much I'm not really working. As in, I am doing the work, but not great. I think she has a very New York mindset (she's American and I think she's lived in NY for some time) and by that, I mean life seems to be all about Hustle and working hard to get what you really want - just proving yourself constantly because you have what it takes, you just have to show it. I used to be very that too, at one point of my life, but I often feel like I'm just trying to get by and that's already quite exhausting.
I feel like a different person from who I want to be, but I'm just watching it happen from the outside.
I really love this company but I think I'm making a bad first impression? Or, it's not, and I'm just too paranoid, and the paranoia is actually making me come off as weird? Which is a bad first impression hahhaha I really just cannot tell.
I hope that it's not too late for me, and that I can start being myself once I stop smoking weed.
I'm actually going to go see my friend Tanina now, so I will try to wrap this up. You'll have to hear about Charles and also the moving situation another time. I mostly want to publish this so it's out there.
Berlin has been so emotionally exhausting. I'm really eager to turn my life around though. It's so strange that everything seems to be working out how I want but I still feel so much angst.
I'm not entirely sure when I'll write next to be honest. I really hope I can get it together.
Will
