uh oh sad again!

I don't really know what I'm doing. I feel like a giant child.

^ I've no idea when I wrote this but mood.

I've finally reached the point where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and if I don't get a job after this one, I'm tucked. I don't know what I'm doing! And do top it all off, I'm going to spain for god knows what reason in a few days, at it's CORONA PEAK - am I dumb?

I'm just gonna talk about Barcelona - I feel awful about this trip. My current boyfriend Juan suggested we go - at the time, I was like it's so close! Why not! We had planned for August, and then I got a new job + Barcelona had peaked in covid cases so I was like sorry babe, we gotta move it. It was a little dramatic. Anyways, here we are a month and a week later and Barca is worse off than ever and I'm almost out of money PLUS the weather is colder.

Essentially, feel like shit, just want her back. I feel awful because I pushed to move the trip to Sept so hard and now it's worse than ever. This feels like such a stroke of badluck. Juan is also so excited and he leans on his luck, much like I do, and believes in his heart that the trip will work out. I used to think like that but this is just so unlucky, it feels cursed. Juan always has such a sunny disposition and sometimes I feel like I'm the curse.

I love Juan but I don't think I deserve him and I don't think I'm as in love with him as I should be. We say I Love You now but there are so many things he doesn't know that would disprove that. I went on a tinder date with some german guy who I'm essentially more compatible with and Juan knows it was a platonic date but I didn't exactly tell the date.... 

When I was in highschool and the years after, I was the kind of person who made it his life mission to be a nice person. I just wished everyone was nice so that the world could be better so I strived to be good. Eventually, I realised it's quite nice to be bad. I was watching Kidding on Stan and the parents admired that their kid was a bit of an asshole - which I connected to.

I found that I didn't have to be nice all the time and it was so freeing. Like for real, I was so awkward and unnecessarily nice.

However, I'm at a point now where I can't tell if I'm good at all anymore. I think in my heart of hearts, I think I'm a good person - someone that I like. But when I have to face the things I've done to people who I care about, I don't think I'd like me if i met me. I would think I was an asshole.

I can't even think straight at the moment - my life is just a bit of a mess right now.

I feel like a giant child.

Also my visa finishes right at the end of the year and I've no idea how easy it will be for me to extend my visa.

Will

Juanguage

Hi everyone,

So I've been a bit lazy - I keep writing half-posts and then realising it takes too much brain power so I stop and I end up with soooo many drafts. Anyways, I decided to ditch them and try again lol This post will be both about Juan and Language, hence the horrendous title. 

So I'm still dating Juan, the Argentinian cook I mentioned in the first 'how I'm feeling now' post. We hang out a lot and it's very cute and romantic. However, I've yet to say I love you back and I can't quite figure out what to do. His own ily's have been side remarks and I think he's waiting for me to say it first before he says it outright. 

First, let's go over my reasons for not saying I Love You back. On the surface, it's an appearance/attraction thing, which I realise is very shallow of me. I don't think Juan is ugly hahahaha he can be quite handsome but sometimes in bed, I find myself LOOKING for those angle. He also pulls the worst faces during sex loooool. And I wish he had a better body - BUT these are very shallow things and I of course value him much more than that. But it is on my mind every now and then. Oh! But the sex is better!! Ever since we had a talk about it, the sex has improved. I think he's trying harder and so am I. But that brings me to my next point, which I think breaks my heart the most.

In past relationships (relationships-ish*), I've experienced feelings of giddiness and excitement but I don't really have that with Juan. 

I'm always happy to see him though. I do find myself thinking, I'm so lucky and happy to be here. It's really nice to have someone you can rely on and we do both care for each other really deeply. 

I also think we're very similar which is quite new to me. 

I STOPPED WRITING TO GO MEET HIM AND NOW IT'S THE NEXT DAY LOL

So ja, we're quite similar in a lot of ways - here's how:

• We both consider ourselves very lucky - things just fall into our lap and we always manage to get by. We sort of lean on it when we need to. Deep down, I think it's a positive attitude mixed with a little delusion lol but it works for me! And I think it works for Juan too.
• We're both creatives - he writes poetry and makes music - Idk what I do - editing, film stuff hahhahaha I used to write poetry.
• We're both quite sensitive although he's much better at expressing his emotions. 
• We both strive to be nice - he does a better job than me though lol
• We're both vers!! whoo!!!!!

Anyways, the craziest thing happened yesterday! So we were in Juan's kitchen making food - I was making Alison Roman's famous chickpea stew lol because Juan had a tooth ache.

Then one of Juan's roommates came in and we were talking and she was like, "Oh, Julian's coming soon!"

And I was like, "Is Julian ur partner? o_o"

And she was like, "Welllll I wouldn't really call him my boyfriend... Julian and I have known each other for a really long time - we came from the same town. Then he moved to Berlin after I did and we started seeing each other. Then with corona, we've been seeing each other a lot more and our relationship has grown quite a bit but I don't think we love each other. I like him a lot, he's really cute and we really like being around each other, but I'm the type of person who only wants to seriously date someone I can see a future with and Julian doesn't give me that feeling. But hey, the sex is still good!"

Okay it wasn't that dramatic but it was crazy - she basically was spelling out my feelings about Juan right in front of me AND Juan. And the whole fknnnn time I was so tempted to be like omg girl SAMMMMEEEEE but ofc I couldn't because it was about Juan who was right next to me. 

Anyways, I think that sort-of solidified my feelings about Juan.

I'm being a bit of a coward right now but I want to tell him soon.

I do think about our potential future a lot. Juan is actually on track to opening a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Berlin called Elstakio. He's teaming up with two of his Argentinian friends and they're getting a really good deal for the location they want.  have complete faith in him. It's his dream and he's really excited. I would love to support him through it and watch him grow, really. I've also met most of his friends in Berlin and they're all really lovely. I'd love to learn Spanish so he can speak in his native tongue and so I can listen to his friends talk at parties. I'd love to have an Argentinian-Vietnamese wedding. I'd love for us to cook for each other and I'd love to visit restaurants all over the world with him.

But it can't happen without me lying to myself and to him.

I know deep down it won't work out. And I realise this might sound like stubbornness or an unwarranted and early sense of doom, but my whole life - I've known myself and I've trusted in my instincts. I just know. And it breaks my heart - but not in a heartbreak sort-of way really - more just a sadness for what could've been. 

I hope we can stay friends somehow. 

FUCK I forgot to talk about Language looooooool Maybe next time ;)

How I'm Feeling Now pt II

Hi everyone,

I've been meaning to write in this blog to keep whoever's reading updated on Berlin but often my motivation to do so comes from sadness and I don't want to bog this blog down with negativity but at the moment, I'm not in the best place so I'm gonna talk about that.

It's a little difficult to explain the situation to people who don't work in the same field or industry as me but I'll try my best to make this easy to understand. Essentially, I picked up this documentary project a month and a half ago - it's about a celebrity photographer who did most of his work in the exciting golden era of Hollywood. The director is a journalist who interviewed the photographer for Harper's Bazaar and she took a liking to him, so after she wrote her article, she went back to LA to film an interview. She's also a friend of one of my bosses which is how I'm connected as the editor. It was nice to have something to edit that was my own and I was really excited to work on it. I really really do love editing.

However, as the weeks went by, it became more and more clear that the director was not a director.

We just kept going in circles about the process - I really just needed us to get the story down to something good with just the interview footage alone. That way, we had a story foundation to build on top of with the visuals, his photos, old archive footage of Hollywood nightlife and celebrity culture (but later, once we had down the foundation). However, she just couldn't get over the fact that we didn't have extra imagery, she just could not compute. And so, we had the storyline all over the place, different topics in bits and pieces and essentially no foundation for this film to stand on.

At one point, I did consider doing it her way, adapting and whatnot because that's a learning experience but the bottom line is that it's so much extra work and for what? For this director to still be fucking clueless. LOL I didn't want to be cruel or to sound cruel but it's my blog, I'm gonna go off. She has no fucking foresight about how to engage with an audience - she just wants to throw things in because they're slightly interesting but if she actually thought about it for a second, she'd be like, it's cool but unnecessary in the long run and we have better stuff and there's no good place for it. Once when we were watching unused interview footage together and the photog was like, "back in my day, young ppl stayed out all night and the older ppl, the celebs, would stay in!" and the director would be like, "ooh we need that!", and me, fed up, asked her why and she had no answer and I caught her OUT. It was just like that, with a lot of things, and usually I would be like oh ja, we can see if that fits, I'll try it out, I can see that you've taken a liking to that but ja.... ............

Anyways, the meetings so far have been a lot of that - me trying to convince her that it's the right way, and her being like but.....

OMG like there would be parts of the interview where he'd be talking about a photo he took and she'd be like... I think we need that photo on the screen, and over and over again, I'd be like yeah duh I know that but don't focus on that, focus on the story - obvi we'll put it in but FOCUS on what he's SAYING so we can start putting his stories into an order that works, so we have a story outline.

ANYWAYS, she's paying me a month's rent and she also got me a years subscription for dropbox which we're using for the film but also it's mine for when it's finished. This is good for now, but it is nowhere near the normal rate for what I'm doing. I appreciate that it's there considering this was a passion project for me before I was """"paid"""" but now I'm not so sure I want it that bad.

Now, my mental state is in the shits and I'm not being listened to, and I don't even think this will shape out to be something good. I don't want to be the person who gives up when it gets hard but all my motivation towards this project is slipping away and I don't want to slave over something I'm not proud of it.

I had a talk with the company's senior editor who's assisting me with this project. She understands and she said that she could take it on if I decided to leave. She's a lot more disciplined and organised than me but she's the type of editor who will do as the director says (and she admitted herself that if I leave, there'll be creative insights that will be missed - which I thought was very nice). I think what makes me a strong editor is that I put my heart into the things I edit and I make it the best it can be. I avoid cliches and I try to make works that stick out. And I have good fucking insights!!! I'm very creative!!!! That's what shits me the most - I can see that this project has a lot of potential but every now and then, this project becomes like any other. And I want more from it. And hands down, without me there, the photographer would be nowhere near as charming in this film as he is now.

And I know, I sound very arrogant but do trust and believe that I try to keep an open mind - and I reflect on myself A LOT - whether I'm being too stubborn, whether I'm wrong. But give me a break! I'm young and I don't have years in the game but I knooooooow what I'm doing! At least more than this director. ALSO I RESPECT THAT SHE'S A JOURNALIST and she is good at it but I also thought the story was the part where we'd least struggle to get through.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to show the company that I could edit and that I was good at it.

Before today, as I was figuring out if this project was worth it, one idea I had was to just do what this director asked for and finish it. Even if it wasn't something I was proud of, it'd be done, I'd get paid my tiny fee and be done. But, I don't want to put my name on that!!! But on the other hand, I don't want to be seen as some kid editor who can't work under pressure. I can work under pressure, I been done WORKING under pressure but I was getting paidt!!! and if I wasn't getting paid, I had passion. And it breaks my heart to see this passion get away from me.

And going back to keeping an open mind and not being stubborn - I also have to realise that this is the industry, this is what building a career is. But I also have to be smart.

I just have to figure this all out.

I think I will leave but who knows - my mind is always changing, hey.

Anyways, I've been thinking of other things to talk about on this blog - one is language! Stay tuned :) Expect more venting but also other interesting insights lol idk

Tchuess!

How I'm feeling now

So it's a Monday afternoon in Berlin - 3PM. I woke up at noon today, I had coffee and lunch with my roommate who's also my landlord and so let's start with that.

Barbara is 48 and she's been living in Berlin for 30 years. I'm not entirely sure what she does but from what I've gathered, she does talks about Berlin history. I think they're called 'Barbara Lux - History Repeating Itself'. I decided to move in with her because I didn't have many choices to begin with but I loved the apartment and I could learn a lot from her. I was worried only because I wasn't sure if I could trust her but as more days go by, she seems more chill and she doesn't mind that I leave the house so often - for work or to see a boy. We have nice talks and we go in and out of German which is really helpful and she teaches me a lot about different places and times in Berlin. I guess the vibe is just weird because she's an older woman who's my landlord too but really that will pass. I just really want more pantry space but that will come with time too, I'm sure. Also, our rooms are right next to each other and it's nice to hear her laugh through the walls lol

With the pandemic, it's been rough but I have to keep reminding myself that it affects everybody and it could be so much worse. Before moving to this new apartment, I could not sleep. I couldn't sleep because it was so stressful looking for an apartment so last minute. I was initially going to sublet from my work friend for two months but their housemate did not want me to move in which is annoying but I get it but fucking annoying. Anyways, it's fine now and there's some gratification that they had trouble finding someone else and offered the room to me again lol On top of that, I didn't know the language which made it harder to find a new place (and probably one of the reasons said roommate didn't want me to move in). I remember watching Netflix with German subtitles and not recognising any words and feeling so hopeless.

EDIT: Just to clarify so I don't sound like an aggro asshole and also so it's not confusing: The apartment I was going to move into consists of three ppl, two of my work friends and another girl. One of my work friends had to move back to Munich so I offered to sublet because it timed well with me leaving my last place. It would've worked great for both of us ! But other girl didn't want that and I'm pretty sure it's because I don't speak german + she would've felt left out from me and my other work friend who is staying there. ANYWAYS LOL

It is a huge bummer that I moved here just before the crisis and I told myself in the first few months here that I should focus on settling in and save my party days for the summer lol So that was another major reason I couldn't sleep. I decided pretty early on that I wasn't going to move back because of the pandemic and then weeks later I would find myself thinking, "what the fuck am I doing here?"

ANYWAYS, living in this new place with Barbara has helped a lot with that! I do miss the freedom of living alone but it's nice to have more motivation to be more productive. IDK I just feel like there's more pressure to live a healthy lifestyle when there's someone living with you lol

I'm also seeing an Argentinian cook which is a bit complicated. On the one hand, he's very sweet and kind and he makes me smile. He also cooks for us which is a big plus. However, on the other hand, I'm not as sexually attracted to him as I'd like to be. And sex is a big thing for me, and it is for him too. We still have sex pretty much every time we see each other but I know deep down that I want more. And he seems happy with what we're doing now but I can also give more to someone I have more sexual chemistry with and I'm sad I can't give that to him. I remember when we initially started seeing each other, I was more leaning towards less sex and more friendship. But now, it's become more traditionally romantic and there are more feelings and it's nice to have that but a small part of me thinks that it's only because there's a pandemic happening. In saying that though, a bigger part of me likes being around him and having him in my life. So it's quite confusing and really, I just wish he was more my type sexually. Maybe we can develop an open relationship post-corona lol I dread the conversation though.

I just really want to go partying lol I want to meet other people and dance with people and hook up with someone hot at a club LOL I want it all baby!!!

I think I've always known I'm a bit of a hedonist which is fine because

Okay so it's the same as it's always been - I didn't finish the post and it's now the next day!

ONE THING I forgot to mention about Barbara: She fkn doesn't stop talking! It'll get later and later in the night and she just goes on and on and she has interesting things to say but omg. Anyways, I think she enjoys teaching me about Berlin so that's nice and I am learning a lot. I feel I have all this insider knowledge about Berlin now.

Anyways, I think I've always known I'm a bit of a hedonist. I have basically zero willpower when it comes to the many vices I have and idk what to do! I won't go into detail but I want pleasure and satisfaction all the time!!! And it'll impede on productivity also I'm not talking about sexual pleasure strictly LOL I would like to clarify that I am not addicted to masturbating!!! But one example is weed ??? I have a dealer now and I don't live with my parents and especially with corona, I basically became a stoner overnight which is so sad lol It wasn't like I was high 16 hours of the day, it's just that every other night I'd be like welp guess I'll get high now LOL And this next bit might contradict my statement about not being addicted to masturbating but jerking off is so much better when you're high AND pornhub made premium free to keep people at home LOL So ummmm it's not all my fault lol. Anyways, I always succumb to my vices and I hate it :( And it worries me for the future but um, we'll see I guess?

Anyways, most of that was because I was living completely alone lol

I fkn miss partying tho. 

I'll write another post soon :) Maybe about the company I'm interning at. Did you like my little throwback formatting??

Thanks for readingggg

Will