Hi all,
I thought I should update - seeing as things feel a lot different now.
When Charles had left, I actually did stop smoking weed and my life improved hahahha There was a very rough first week of no weed where my relationship with Charles was so uncertain, as well as my job, and I just could not sleep well for three consecutive nights (which apparently is normal when you stop smoking weed after a while) but oooooft it's messy.
But! I had a talk with my boss before she went on leave - Juliette, the head of social media I mean - and it went so well. I think she could relate a lot to feeling uneasy in the first month at this company, so she was really understanding and I could see she started to be more supportive and it was such a relief. She went on leave and I had to look after the instagram and I'm hoping + praying that she's happy with what I did hahhahaha But it gave me a chance to interact quite often with the second-in-charge at the company and that was good - I think I did well. I'm officially freelancing with them though - so nothing is really as stable as I had hoped but I do think they're trying to be supportive of me? Ich bin nicht so sicher - aber ich muss nur positiv sein.
Anyways, these past couple of weeks, as I've been reflecting on my life, I've been thinking, hmmm, things as per usual worked out. I landed on my feet - again!! Somehow - irgendwie!
Things with Charles have been good - he comes back from the Canary Islands tomorrow and I think we basically settled things on the phone. I guess we'll just have to see when we talk tomorrow. I like him a lot but I have a bad feeling I'll hurt him - just something I'll do carelessly. Obviously I don't want to but idk, it's just a bad feeling at this point - and I don't really know what that means myself. I guess the best thing I can do is endeavour not to ? Hm :/ I keep saying current boyfriend accidentally when I talk about him to other people - that's a bad sign. He's my partner - my boyfriend! I like him a lot! What's wrong with me. I really hope I'm not just bad at being a boyfriend ? Scary.
And finally - I'm moving in with Ella soon. Thankfully I finally got paid my first invoice from Anorak so it'll be much less difficult to move now. I'm excited. I can't say I'm super excited because the room is so tiny hahah but I'm sure I'll settle into it. I get to move in with Ella though and I can't wait to cook for her and just hang out and get to know her more. She's young and queer and super sweet and that's so exciting!!! I'm ALSO super excited to just stop living with Barbara. It really is so exhausting. She can be so negative and I constantly feel like I'm doing everything in my power to keep her happy because I hate dealing with her when she's upset. I do feel that a big part of it all is my difficulty with confrontation. I'm not very confrontational at all and in the end, it didn't work well with Barbara. I can't wait to stop living here. I hope it's the final building block to building the life I always wanted in Berlin. That, and this fucking pandemic being over hahhahaha but every day here, it really does feel neverending.
Deep down, I still feel anxious that everything will crumble very suddenly - but I'm also looking forward to life just improving. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about my own sense of insecurity.
I think it does scare me a lot, and I can see how it affects the way I act and am, but maybe it also humbles me? But I can recognise how that's such a dumb thing to say.
I just don't want to be an asshole too.
I am often quite a scared person and I wish I wasn't.
I often think, actually, that if life was a movie, I would be the person the strong, direct hero would say "admit it, deep down, you're a coward" to and they'd be right.
I feel like that's a little silly/heavy to say but it really is something that I think about every now and then.
Anyways, this was supposed to be a ~~~postitive~~~ update after the last post hahhaha
It really is nice to look back to a month ago and think, oh - things are going well.
I hope they stay that way. And if they don't, I hope I can get through it.
I guess only time will tell.
Will
