I'm trying so hard not to feel this way.

But I can't help but be bored. And I really don't want to be, because there's nothing weighing me down. I'm free! Like a bird or plane or, maybe, a cockatoo. No wait. Planes are always either being controlled or kept in hangars. They're not free. How silly of me. But I'm free! And yet I'm bored.

----------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so, that was like so fifty hours ago. I went to help get ready for the partay tomorrow and I can't wait. I'm making my costume now and admiring my beautiful, glamorous nails. LOL After everything was set, we ended up exercising in Emily's living room. That's all. Waiting until tmr, I guess. Gonna go paint my sign in coffee, bye!

Future Fears, yet again

I don’t want to become a biomedical engineer. I never liked any of the work I was doing this semester. I found some aspects of the degree interesting, but in the end, I hated my subjects. I didn’t do well in anything, and if I go on with this degree, it’ll be the same story over and over and over again. By that, I mean the coming semester will be a continuation of the first, so I’ll be doing the same things, or really, struggling with the same things. And I know, I’ve been told, that I still have a lot of time left, to find something better, something I’d much rather prefer. But that comes with two predicaments. Number one being that It conflicts with the very ideals I grew up with – that life was way too short to waste. You can’t keep changing any time you like – time is precious. But that in itself comes up with arguments like, well life is short. And time is precious – too precious to waste on a life you don’t want to lead. Of course, the notion that I shouldn’t lead a life I don’t like is a lot more important. But so is money.

I know a lot of you are thinking, really, I should buck up and just do the work. Work through this period of my life, because life isn’t kind, and nobody really gets what they want. They get money, instead. And I know I have problems with that. What I don’t know is what to say to justify my ways and that’s probably because there’s really no way I can.

And then there’s the second predicament. And it’s one that you guys have read about a lot of times on this blog. The problem that I have found something I’d much rather do, but I’m just too gutless to go for it.

I often dream about how my life will go. And in my dreams, I’m never an engineer. I’m alive, and I’m happy, and I’m in a multitude of variations of how my life turns out. In one, I’m an actor. I drop out of university to become one. People look down at me and grieve my future. But I’m a small character in a big movie. An Australian director’s casting crew hire me and I say only one line but it’s more than what extras say. And I’m in a few short films too. Eventually I move to America, and I work, and weasel my way into roles anywhere I can. And there I am, on the big screen, for more than two minutes. And from there, I grow, and I get more and more famous. Maybe I’ll never be famous enough to appear in magazines, but one or two people will notice me, the boy who appears in certain movies and disappears. It’s a boring dream, really. But in it, I’m happy, and that’s good enough for me. I just need to be brave too, and I’ll get there. I’ll get somewhere.

In another world, I’m a mediocre citizen and I marry a policeman and we have beautiful children and I’m absolutely happy. I’m not bored, I’m not dissatisfied with where  I am because I found the love of my life, and he too, is beautiful, by the way, and I have children who I can be proud of and can grow to be kind and loving and good.

But none of those really matter, because there’s only one world right now. There’s only one world where you are reading this blog, and it’s this world where my cowardice or my ambition can change everything. And you can only ever live once, right?

I call these segments “Future Fears” because I’m only ever fearful. I’ve been afraid so many times that I’ve lost count of how many of these there are. I have many fears, I do, and among the largest are loneliness, regret and the very future itself. Because it’s a scary thing. And I believe that what scares me the most about it is that it’s in my control. And the pressure is overwhelming.

Hey look

Maria has a blog:

http://emmcee-teenagedramaqueen.blogspot.com.au/

Anyways, I made a vlog about my past few days which were a blast, btw. Buuuut, I am waayyyy too lazy to edit it so it will probably never appear. If that happens, it's a good thing I wrote it out on Word for the video. But let's see how well I go with it until then. Anyways, you know the song lyrics at the end of Maria's most recent post? The 60000000000 days in 1 post? It's from a song called Riptide by Vance Joy. I fell in love with the song and couldn't stop listening to it. Like I kept on pressing the replay button. I kept on telling myself, listen to other songs before you get sick of this one really quick. But every time I did, they didn't suffice and I kept on going back to Riptide. I love the song because they lyrics are great and it makes me feel like Hawaii. Anyways, here's the music video. It's v literal but in a good way.



Anyways, it's time for me to go. I should sleep, awake, exercise, eat, shower and then head for the library. Last exam on Wednesday, party on Thursday and then relaxation thereafter. Bye! Actually, before I go, to make this post unnecessarily longer, let's spam pictures from tumblr, yaaaayyyy.

Das Musik

Hello, I'm doing that thing again.

You know that guy in Rihanna's Stay?

1. Who Are You, Really? - Mikky Ekko



The song played during the credits of True Blood and that show has quite a few good songs in it.

2. Young and Beautiful - Jona Selle (Lana Del Rey cover)



Okay, so tbh, his voice is somewhat annoying, but come on, it's young and beaut! With a cello! Hello cello, you beautiful thing. He's voice is aiight though, and come on. Cello.

3. I'll Be Waiting - Adele



Great song, came out of nowhere when I was listening to songs on my phone and I'm glad I kept listening. Now I can't stop.

4. Breezeblocks - alt-J



Great song, great music video. So pretty much, years ago, Maria found this song and loved it. She really liked the muscle to muscle, toe to toe bit. It was aiight at the time when she showed me the song, it was just there for me. It was neither good or bad. Then she showed me the music video and it was really cool. So cool to the point that you don't actually notice the song unless you initially loved it. Then, eventually, years later, now, in fact, I relistened. I think what sparked it was Hellen's playlist. Anyways, like I said, great song and great music video. Whilst we're on the topic of music Maria has opened me up to...

5. Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood



Really nice song.

6. I Never Learnt to Share - James Blake



So good! It's a bit slow and it's only one line, but it's still amazing. A bit slow but it builds up and it's just sooo good. It's orgasmic, amazing, sehr gut!

And that's the end of that. Bye, guys. Schlaf gut.

Quick Quack Quost

Hey guys, just a quick post before I get back to Germanic studies. So today I had my heart shattered and my confidence beat down by the calculus exam. And I think what pains me the most was that I remember thinking on the train ride there that I should probably check back on what the formula for the equation of a tangent was and that was that. I didn't check and I forgot about the whole situation. And then bam, it was goddamn EVERYWHERE I WANT TO CRY. And yeah, on the way to the train station I was thinking and being really sad. I do this thing where my thoughts turn into a blog post and this post was so angsty. So here's the jist of it :L

• I didn't make it. I sank. I failed everything, I couldn't get through one semester of uni.
• And there it was - the lining of it all.
• I think one of my biggest fears is my family and their reactions. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with them when it comes to revealing that I failed the semester.
• And then I started questioning things. I wasn't quite sure if I was afraid of what my parents would say or think, but rather if they were right or not.
• And today, a confirmation.
• I've been called many things - useless, pathetic, stupid, hopeless, and I've lived these past few years thinking to myself that they were wrong. They had to be, I had to have a purpose.
• And the HSC brought a light to that.
• And I was sorta happy.
• But happiness can only be grasped for so long.
• I felt so pathetic and useless and hopeless and so very stupid today.
• And alone.
• And I guess I had it coming all along.

Ta-da, that was my walk to the station. And then I met all the canley-usyd peeps who all did the same test and they agreed that the test was stupid (not me, that was walk2station talk, so silly, sadness is silly). I also met a couple of Jun's computing buds. Nice guys, both from Peak's Thursday class back in the day. We played this celebrity heads sorta game on the train. It was tres fun.

Anyways, I added the link to my writings tumblr on the right hand side bar. But I pretty much post the same things I post there here :L But I reblog poems and writings from other people on tumblr or extracts of famous literature and people can write such beautiful things. Also, I'll upload my script soon. You know, Gravity, the thing I wrote for my drama hsc ip. I reread it the other week and I'm very proud. I noticed a few problems like lines that didn't quite fit the character but all in all, I didn't cringe as much upon reading it as I thought I would.

Oh, and another thing: Sometime in the winter break, I think I'm gonna redo this whole blog. The layout, the titles, colour schemes. I have on idea what it'll be like though. I'm so excite. It could be a space, nebula sorta theme, or like a german-jap theme WHO KNOWS! I wonder if I should change the url, too. I know it won't be as easy as tumblr because people have to refollow me, people might not realise I changed it, all that. I never really like 'bobinasblag'. I became so attached to 'bobsblag' when I first got a blogger account. It rolled off the tongue so much better than bobinasblag. I remember once Long Le mistook it for Bobinasblack hahaha. Say goodbye to binary and Blaggity Blag, It's time to dance :) These will be your last few weeks with them. If you have a tumblr, follow and share my writings blog! i need to get out there and into the writing society with all its love and hate, ahhhhh. This is Willbeezzy signing out. Tschüss!

Visions

Looking at all these notes online, I can see it all. I can see every mistake I made, every opportunity I missed and all the time that I wasted. I took what I had for granted and here I am. All this regret, all this self-hatred. I can see it all and yet, if I could redo it all, I know I'd make the same mistakes. I'd take second chances for granted, and be here now, blogging about how I could see it all - every mistake made, every opportunity missed, and all the time that was wasted.

My day, my day, MY DAY - talkin' 'bout - myyyy dayyyyyyy.

So I had my first final today and it was aiight - up until the point I realised I did not leave myself a lot of time after the multi-choice. LOL I realised I hadn't thought this through very well during the test and well, goodbye last pages worth of marks. In other news, after that, I went to the lib to dl stuff for study and then I was gonna leave to go to the station and head back to Cabra but I checked tripview and I was gonna miss a train so I had to wait half and hour for the next. And so, in the wait, I wrote a nice little story. Actually, my life story (albeit a melodramatic version of it). It's called: "Mit Bleiben Schweben". Or "Zu Bleiben Schweben". It's supposed to translate to "To Stay Afloat" or "To Stay Floating". Actually, it might be Mit Bleiben Schwimmend .... LOL Forgive my German in this piece because well, I've only done a semester of German and I haven't done so well in it :L I'm pretty sure a lot of sentences don't make sense but OH WELL. Okay, lol, official name now: "Zu/Mit Bleiben Schweben/Schwimmend".

I think I've been floating most of my life. Growing up I never learnt to swim. But I knew how to float safely on my back and that’s how I've lived most of my life - I cruise through most adversities and I end up in the same spot, floating aimlessly but securely. And in this state, I've nothing to do but stare at the sun. Its beauty, it blinds, but isn't that the most valuable form of beauty - a beauty that can only be seen once, and vanquishes all sight, but still leaves the blind smiling? I can’t see but I can still dream. I float, I listen, and I dream. But over merciless time, I've developed a sadness.

And that sadness will be the end of me.

It tugs at the back of my sweater, and I know I mustn't let it take over me, but with every passing day it becomes heavier and rougher. I can only get pulled harder and one day I will no longer float safely on the surface. I will disappear from all existence, and only my tears will be left but they too will scatter in the vast ocean I subside in now and I’ll be forgotten. I’ll follow this sadness like a fool follows a witch and I’ll be hidden in dark depths, with others, blind like me, sad like me, non-existent like me.

---------------------------------------------------

It’s been eighteen years now. I've floated for eighteen and dreamed for twenty. But as I grow, I come closer to a realisation - a realisation that the dream wasn’t designed for people like me. It was designed for those who could swim to the shore, against the current, and stay alive. It was designed for the brilliant who could build wings or a rocket or anything that could fly past the moon and right into the sun. It was designed for those who were blind but running, hopeless and yet hopeful. And I could never be that.

The water reaches higher and higher along my cheek. I’ve stopped resisting. First my eyes will be cleansed, my mouth will be washed and my nose will be enveloped by the very sea that cradled me.

Legst mich nach unten.

Lassen Sie das einzige Geräusch,

Seien das überlaufen,

Taschen voller von Steine.

Goodbye, sky.

Hello, heaven.

And there it is. Just a note: The poem sorta stanza at the end translates to a lyric from Florence + the Machine's song "What the Water Gave Me". 

Lay me down.  

Let the only sound,  

Be the overflow,  

Pockets full of stones.

Anyways, so i went to cabra but I couldn't access the chem resources page on blackboard so I had to go home :( And I have not started working yet, oh my god. I saw this coming but I  had no choice! Except the choice to buckle down and do work straight away :( 

Anyways, also waiting for the train, after missing another one, i quickly wrote something for Jess :L

Dear Jess, you suck.

But not that much. Maybe not at all, but there are times when I have to question that. Like when you fly from point A to B AND DON’T WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING AND YOU BUMP INTO PEOPLE. This is a very pointless piece of writing. I’m really just killing time until I have to leave to catch my train. Anyways, some slut is sitting diagonally from me. Long-ass hair, actin’ like she owns the place. Oh, it’s you. What a coincidence. A big, FAT coincidence. Looool, jokesssss. Anyways, four minutes until I bid you Adelaide, Adele and adieu. Peace out homies, I’m taking my bags and I’m running. And I won’t stop running. Not until I reach the sea, and from there I’ll start swimming. And I’ll keep swimming until I reach land and then I’ll run and swim and run and swim. There’s no stopping me, and there’s no stopping. In fact, I’m running now. My bags were packed from the start. Probably forgot to unpack.

Well darn, I’m already tired. What is this, a forty zone? Let’s kick it up, Wills. Let’s not stop. Let’s - Let’s… Let’s take a short break.

And that was a one-man monologue about my life titled “Reaching, but not really”.

Thank you and goodbye. TRAIN TIME.

Well... I guess I should continue working. Wish me luck tomorrow, and the day after that and yet again, the day after that. UGH.

Guten Tag.

Heaven Awaits You

I went to the library after Tai's funeral yesterday. I tried studying but I just didn't feel it so I wrote a poem. It's called 'Bury Me in the Snow'.

Da svidaniya, mein winterlich Freund.

Find me down in the mokusei burrows.

If I am breathing, light me a candle.

Let me sleep, in my own little cell,

Cradle me in your arms,

Drown me in the well.

I’ve let go of my existence,

My life is but a dream.

Bring down the resistance,

Tear it at the seams.

I’ve held on for too long,

And my knuckles are délicat.

They can’t hold me forever,

They can’t hold my past.

I’ll fall apart in seconds without you here.

So please. Let it be.

The crutches of my burdens have given way.

And I know I’ll be alone.

And I know loneliness is meine größte weakness,

Und meine größte fear.

But I must succumb to my fate,

I must rot,

I must fall,

I must never wake.

Sayōnara, il mio amico invernale.

Anyways, so on Friday, Jess and I drove around after Maria and I went to the city to study. Ooh, let's talk about that first. So Maria and I met up at cabra and ate breakfast at Rise Cafe. I then said, why don't we just save money and time by studying at Cabra. This was around 11:30, by the by. And then inside the library, I was like.... This sucks, let's go city :L So we went to the customs library at-

oh my god, rn I'm at huynh's house with jess to study (it's a sunday, the libraries close early and huynh's house is super-quiet and we made salmon pizza AND IT WAS DELICIOUS.) but right now we're on a break and all three of us are blogging. We made a blogging triangle...

Anyways, customs lib was aiight. Got a bit of studying done. The cute white boy in the short shorts sitting across from us was doing exactly the same maths courses as me and apparently, he was exactly the same boy who maria met at the same library back in the hsc. What a coincidence. Eventually, we took a food break. We bought chips and apple pies at maccas and ate them by the harbour. It was almost five so the sun had set but there was still the faint glow left by the day and it was beautiful. LOL On the way back to the lib we decided to get our bags and walk around the harbour :L We walked, talked, talked and walked. I bought hot chocolate at Guylian's and maria bought this one piece of expensive chocolate. She looked so excited, it was too adorbs. Anyways, so my hot choc was too hot. I decided to take the top off to let it cool faster, and maria held it so I wouldn't drop it but after a while I took the lid back and then I dropped it. And the hot choc was still a bit too hot and the cup was too full so I couldn't walk to the station because it would spill. So we spent like ten or so minutes walking back to Guylian's. And on the way there, I spilled the drink twice and we got really excited and laughed too much at the choc, afraid that it would keep spilling. And LOL some waiter guy or something at this restaurant tried to get past us but he might have noticed that we were very vulnerable with our topless hot choc and he swerved and said helloooo. And then I got to Guylian's and I had to explain why I didn't have a lid anymore.

Anyways, so after, I went to Maria's house and I got my present. She got revenge on me for always buying her dresses that were too tight by buying me a very over-sized jumper. But idm, it ups the hipster :L I'll fit in more at USYD. Anyways, I met up with Jess and we went for a drive. And LOL we saw a sign for camel burgers and we drove in to check it out. And right as we drove in, we just saw a bunch of middle-eastern men just stare at us through the car. It was so awks!! LOL Like right away, Jess and I were like noppeee, okay, let's leave, we don't belong. Zero belonging. Anyways, I went home and that was my friday. Okay, let's end this now.

The blogging triangle finished long ago and now I'm the only one doing work. But, little do they know after the pizza lunch, I youtubed for half and hour and actually I've done zero work since. Okay, bye guys.

Au revoir.

WILLIAM TRANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Daddy, listen. Mommy, please. There must be a better way to raise me.

Yo guise, remember two posts [a thousand now] ago when I linked y'all a bunch of songs? Well you know that song called Little People by The Procussions?? THE LYRICS, WHAT?? LOL I LOVE 'EM. Dey so cray, and what, lol, I'm sorry, I'm just astounded. I only ever listened to the song because of the beginning part but I googled the lyrics, and yikes.

Here is the vid yet again:



And now, the lyrics:

Envision the prison of agewhere the apparent dispositionis that of a parrot commissioned to live in a cagewho hits the parents when decisions are madeto not listen and they got their fist in opposition to fair playmust be in your submission to rageyou became a victim the same waythe system done gave wayinflicting the same painyour convicted and cant blamerecondition your brain till your convinced you can changeunderstandably wishin family tradition wont land you in a positionwhere you feelin the rainlonely without a home, cus now your childs grownwearing a milestone like its the only tie you owncrying when your alonehoping that God forgives you, wondering if your kids dono one should have to live throughthe violence that you been throughthe fight that's still within youits time to make things right and free the child that lives in you.
hear me...see me...do you even know i'm still breathingi listen to the sounds of a TV.the only thing that really wants to reach medaddy listen...mommy please...there must be a better way to raise mei'm yelling till my ears can't hear meinto a silence that kills me
there billy stands in twenty below gripping his coatthat froze two hours agodramatic i know, but cold ain't it, seven year olds waitingtakes another look at a picture that lost time paintedwe say put it away i can't look at itthe truth stings a little when you look at itwe're creating a mold of bad habitswhen the teacher got eleven year olds that blast at 'emand the world tunes in just thenlistening to every word daddy should have heard at age tenthen daddy wonders where it all beganhe could call you a father, but couldn't really ever call you a friendyou worked hard to provide a home for good livingand you figured, that's all that you really had to give 'emnow, if you don't know much know thisall work, no play, far cry, near miss
hear me...see me...do you even know i'm still breathingi listen to the sounds of a TV.the only thing that really wants to reach medaddy listen...mommy please...there must be a better way to raise mei'm yelling till my ears can't hear meinto a silence that kills me
it was once said that thegrass will weather and the flower will fall downand every man will pass when his number gets calledbut when a child takes his life that type of logic don't work out aa flower never chose to pluck its own pedals outand through out of the tears it gets so clearthat the son i held dear i lost somewherebetween my work passion and a child size caskethard to mask when these dreams keep flashing hiscold foot hanging from a stainless steel table anda white sheet stain with a mothers pain a griefevery day i wake to face this feeling of painso i milk the scapegoat to easy this feeling of blame thinkingwhat kind of man am i? what kind of mother were you?what kind of life did we subject our child to?wishing i would have listened i would have probably seen cluespraying for salvation that his soul could sure use
hear me...see me...do you even know i'm still breathingi listen to the sounds of a TV.the only thing that really wants to reach medaddy listen...mommy please...there must be a better way to raise mei'm yelling till my ears can't hear meinto a silence that kills me

Anyways, I went to the vivid lights festival and it had its ups and its downs. So we hardly saw any of the lights, but we danced a lot. It was fun. I love it when it's not the best situation but we make it fun for ourselves anyways. Yeah, cruise, dance, lights - but not the lights we came for. That is all.



So apparently this was never published. I wrote it on the 25th of May. Moving on.

So the other day I went to the city and watched the fog against the city lights. It was beautiful. The fog rode over the harbour and when you looked up at the building tops, you couldn't really see any. You could only see the bright, lit-up logos floating in mid-air. It was spectacular. Oh look, photos:

Fave photo but damn the blur!!

Look at the backgrounds! It looks so perfect - so perfect it looks like we were cgi'd in :\

Oh, and look, I made a stupid murder-mystery whilst I was procrastinating:

I wonder why every fingerprint in the world is unique - why are there no two fingertips that hold exactly the same traits, the same pattern. There’s probably a reason why, but I still think the notion of no two identical fingerprints is wacky. Perhaps there are two that are similar, or rather exactly the same. They’ve just never been discovered.

A Chinese man discovers that he has a fingertip twin. He tracks that man down. The fingerprint doppleganger is Native American, and dying. The Chinese man flies to America with his cheating wife and tricks his fingerprint twin into committing a crime and so the Native American’s fingerprints are recorded into the system. The Chinese man then proceeds to murder his wife and tells the police he saw a Native American man fleeing the scene. The police examine the murder weapon and search for the suspect until they discover that the Native American man was put into a hospital the night before. After all he was old as balls and you know, dying . The fingerprints then only point to one other suspect. Mr Chinese kicks the chair in the LAPD’s interrogation room. He has been caught. The police soon realise what his expensive, stupid plan was all along and they kick themselves for not seeing it sooner. But you can’t really blame them because well, what sane detective would see that. Like, for real. This was a murder mystery written by William Tran – titled ‘Fingy Twinsies: Partners in Crime’.

Also, I made a poem today.

Can I get a hell yeah?

Hell no! Instead, you can get a hell I-love-you-baby-doll.

And that's all I ever wanted.

Anyways, It is now the 2 in the morning of the 15th of June, 2013. Tai's funeral is in about seven hours. And I'd just like to take this time now to say that Tai, I hope you rest in peace. And to those close to him, his family and his friends - stay strong. I'm so sorry for your loss and although I never really spoke a word to Tai, I do so very much wish he's still smiling at you from a beautiful place - wherever it may be. RIP Tai Clint Nicholas Nguyen.

That is all. Au revoir.

What shall we call this post? A Postal Anecdotal Debate Through History, Artistry & Illnesses?

That spells Pad Thai. What is that again? Is that the salad thingo that eeh and jess always want red hot? I only ever eat the peanuts off that, I cannot handle chilli very well.

Anyways, the only relevant thing in the title was Anecdotes, whooo. Okay, I don't really think what I'm gonna talk about counts as anecdotes, but here goes:

So, like, today, my presentation was due and I was freaking out, because i had to talk and public speaking always gets me. I'm horrible. But yeah, only slight nerves throughout the day. Eventually, we printed right before we needed to hand it in and Noyaz and I were up. Oh my god, we learnt that 5 was the absolute maxxx, and we were like, nahh, "they should allow seven the whole day" and so we had to cut and it actually worked out perfectly, on timee. And I stutter like a bitch. And everybody was like, when we were rehearsing, William, good but eye contact. And just before going, William, be enthusiastic! and I was like ofc! And bam, most boring I've ever been and eyes glued to the sheet. I'm so ashamedddd. Oh, also! there was a group doing a knee implant. It was like half a knee implant or something, and they used the same materials as us!!! Or similar. That was cray. And right after they presented, our lecturer, at random, clicked on ours. Oh wells. All in all, it was aiight. I was a bit disappointed in myself. As for Noyaz, my presenting companion - she spoke so clearly and well :( I'm so sorry, The Joint Party - you guys were amazing, and I'm sorry I cuoldn't pull my weight...

Anyways, another story. So I was in the library, right? I was eating a really buttery sandwich my mum made and it was delishhhh. But I got a bit of butter on my thumb, and so I went to suck it off, and right as I did, a guy walked past me. And I could kinda see he was looking at me in my peripheral, so I looked at him and BAM DIRECT EYE CONTACT. LOL And almost immediately, he looked straight ahead, as if we never saw anything at all. Ahhh, so embarrassed.

Also, guys, check it outtt. A few nights ago, Collin found my doppleganger. Okay, he doesn't exactly look like me, but he's pretty close. Like back when I had short hair. And get this:

WE SHARE THE SAME NAME. WILIAM AND TRAN. WHATTTTTT WILLIAM TRAN, GUISE. I'm baffled! That's all. I wonder if I'll ever see him. He was in sydney for the vivid lights. Who knows.

Um, I guess that's it. Bye, now.

Existential Crisis

These bags that hang underneath my eyes,
They aren't those left by long hours of study,
Nor are they traces of an intricate mind.
They are merely signs left behind by my terrible habit,
Of self-loathing, unhappiness and
Unintelligence.

Am I that person,
Who doesn't believe that he is meant only for the ordinary,
And yet, should,
For if he does not,
He'll sink so far down,
That he'll drown beneath the very ordinary life,
That he could have had?

I've been venturing these jungles for quite some time.
I've been surrounded by beauty,
But there is not time for that.
Only time to be wary, to be unsure,
And to be alone.

I'll share a secret with you.
Sometimes I dream about the attention I'd get,
If I simply blew my brains out.
Two birds, one stone,
my head, one bullet.

I'd get some sort of a limelight,
Whilst vanquishing the demons,
That fill my head, and swim in the bags,
Beneath my tired eyes.

Of course, I wouldn't be able to obtain a gun,
So that's not an option.
Unhappiness,
Unbelonging,
Irrevocable sadness.

I apologise for the melancholy post,
It is but  a melancholy night,
And with this last stanza I say goodnight.
But I will not sleep,
It just wouldn't be right.

Gold

GOLD

Always believe in your soul (or something of the like)

Hello, heaven. Welcome to my blag.

So let's get up to date!

Quiz week this week and all of them suck. Maths sucked the least though. But other maths came back with results and it killed.

In other news, happy birthday, E Lim!

In other other news, remember when I told y'all I was gonna make a video of me going out and doing stuff :L Ain't gonna happen :L Or is it????? LOL It depends. Most likely not.

Anyways, so Jess is coming to pick me up soon. That means I must leave. Orrr, I'll save this post and continue later. Even though I have nothing to say. I'll figure something out :L

Okay, bye.

LOL I don't know why I'm saying bye - when you guys read this there will be no gap, nothing to show time had passed. Other than these following words:

It is now June.

I went to see The Great Gatsby and it was pretty good. [SPOILERS FROM HERE ON but like seriously, most of you guys have read the book so yah] I very much enjoyed it. Carey Mulligan was a great Daisy and Leo was a great Gatsby (hahaha) and Tobey Maguire was amazing too. Tom Buchanan was pretty good and young gatsby on that boat, yummo.

Also, one of my favourite scenes: Daisy's flashback of reading Gatsby's letter and tearing her pearl necklace off and disintegrating the letter in the bath.

Oh, and I loved how they played different versions of the soundtrack tracks throughout the movie. Like how Lana was played several times but differently each time. Or how the xx song came in here and there, only parts of the song coming in. OH MY GOD, AND GATSBY'S DEATH. LIKE THE VIOLINS FROM THE NERO SONG AS HE FELL INTO THE POOL.

And flo's song was diff toooo.

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Anyways, so the other day, right? I went to Mars Hill Cafe at parra and watched a few performers perform. They were actually pretty great, most of them. I really enjoyed it. And there was this moment between two acts where the speakers played an indie song. And I shazamed this one song, Youth - Daughter:



I'll follow youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu into the past.

It's a really nice song. Love the lyrics. Setting fire to our insides for fun.
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

Them nappy-headed hoes - but my kitchen good. I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish a bitch wouuuldddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.

That last part was actually Nicki Minaj - I just thought it went well with Daughter's song.

All in all, things were good. But I am running out of money. Uni makes me sad. OH! Let's future fears a bit.

So I was thinking again, right? And I know acting and whatnot will get me nowhere - but I was thinking about being in NIDA and doing the acting course and I WOULD BE SO HAPPY. I can see it now. I'd be just so damn happy following my dream. It wouldn't matter if I was going to go anywhere. Maybe I would and maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I'd live in a small apartment in the city, and work in Belvoir, in little plays. / Or everything would reveal itself as false hope right before my eyes, and in one quick yank, my dreams would be taken away. The very sun, the very vision, the very hope I was hanging onto - gone. And I'd fall straight down, and be the man, the little lost boy, I was always afraid of becoming, and yet preparing to become. Aw man.

Bye.