Hi everyone,
I've been meaning to write in this blog to keep whoever's reading updated on Berlin but often my motivation to do so comes from sadness and I don't want to bog this blog down with negativity but at the moment, I'm not in the best place so I'm gonna talk about that.
It's a little difficult to explain the situation to people who don't work in the same field or industry as me but I'll try my best to make this easy to understand. Essentially, I picked up this documentary project a month and a half ago - it's about a celebrity photographer who did most of his work in the exciting golden era of Hollywood. The director is a journalist who interviewed the photographer for Harper's Bazaar and she took a liking to him, so after she wrote her article, she went back to LA to film an interview. She's also a friend of one of my bosses which is how I'm connected as the editor. It was nice to have something to edit that was my own and I was really excited to work on it. I really really do love editing.
However, as the weeks went by, it became more and more clear that the director was not a director.
We just kept going in circles about the process - I really just needed us to get the story down to something good with just the interview footage alone. That way, we had a story foundation to build on top of with the visuals, his photos, old archive footage of Hollywood nightlife and celebrity culture (but later, once we had down the foundation). However, she just couldn't get over the fact that we didn't have extra imagery, she just could not compute. And so, we had the storyline all over the place, different topics in bits and pieces and essentially no foundation for this film to stand on.
At one point, I did consider doing it her way, adapting and whatnot because that's a learning experience but the bottom line is that it's so much extra work and for what? For this director to still be fucking clueless. LOL I didn't want to be cruel or to sound cruel but it's my blog, I'm gonna go off. She has no fucking foresight about how to engage with an audience - she just wants to throw things in because they're slightly interesting but if she actually thought about it for a second, she'd be like, it's cool but unnecessary in the long run and we have better stuff and there's no good place for it. Once when we were watching unused interview footage together and the photog was like, "back in my day, young ppl stayed out all night and the older ppl, the celebs, would stay in!" and the director would be like, "ooh we need that!", and me, fed up, asked her why and she had no answer and I caught her OUT. It was just like that, with a lot of things, and usually I would be like oh ja, we can see if that fits, I'll try it out, I can see that you've taken a liking to that but ja.... ............
Anyways, the meetings so far have been a lot of that - me trying to convince her that it's the right way, and her being like but.....
OMG like there would be parts of the interview where he'd be talking about a photo he took and she'd be like... I think we need that photo on the screen, and over and over again, I'd be like yeah duh I know that but don't focus on that, focus on the story - obvi we'll put it in but FOCUS on what he's SAYING so we can start putting his stories into an order that works, so we have a story outline.
ANYWAYS, she's paying me a month's rent and she also got me a years subscription for dropbox which we're using for the film but also it's mine for when it's finished. This is good for now, but it is nowhere near the normal rate for what I'm doing. I appreciate that it's there considering this was a passion project for me before I was """"paid"""" but now I'm not so sure I want it that bad.
Now, my mental state is in the shits and I'm not being listened to, and I don't even think this will shape out to be something good. I don't want to be the person who gives up when it gets hard but all my motivation towards this project is slipping away and I don't want to slave over something I'm not proud of it.
I had a talk with the company's senior editor who's assisting me with this project. She understands and she said that she could take it on if I decided to leave. She's a lot more disciplined and organised than me but she's the type of editor who will do as the director says (and she admitted herself that if I leave, there'll be creative insights that will be missed - which I thought was very nice). I think what makes me a strong editor is that I put my heart into the things I edit and I make it the best it can be. I avoid cliches and I try to make works that stick out. And I have good fucking insights!!! I'm very creative!!!! That's what shits me the most - I can see that this project has a lot of potential but every now and then, this project becomes like any other. And I want more from it. And hands down, without me there, the photographer would be nowhere near as charming in this film as he is now.
And I know, I sound very arrogant but do trust and believe that I try to keep an open mind - and I reflect on myself A LOT - whether I'm being too stubborn, whether I'm wrong. But give me a break! I'm young and I don't have years in the game but I knooooooow what I'm doing! At least more than this director. ALSO I RESPECT THAT SHE'S A JOURNALIST and she is good at it but I also thought the story was the part where we'd least struggle to get through.
I also wanted to take this opportunity to show the company that I could edit and that I was good at it.
Before today, as I was figuring out if this project was worth it, one idea I had was to just do what this director asked for and finish it. Even if it wasn't something I was proud of, it'd be done, I'd get paid my tiny fee and be done. But, I don't want to put my name on that!!! But on the other hand, I don't want to be seen as some kid editor who can't work under pressure. I can work under pressure, I been done WORKING under pressure but I was getting paidt!!! and if I wasn't getting paid, I had passion. And it breaks my heart to see this passion get away from me.
And going back to keeping an open mind and not being stubborn - I also have to realise that this is the industry, this is what building a career is. But I also have to be smart.
I just have to figure this all out.
I think I will leave but who knows - my mind is always changing, hey.
Anyways, I've been thinking of other things to talk about on this blog - one is language! Stay tuned :) Expect more venting but also other interesting insights lol idk
Tchuess!
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