Astro-naturelle

This is just a little something something I wrote in a café at parra in a time span of about an hour (first half of the hour was just crossing out a lot of story ideas for my portfolio and the rest was me bludging and writing this shit lol). I was waiting for Will so we could watch a movie and I was like, mad as bro, I'm alone sippin' coffee in front a of a writing pad and a pen. This is the life, brah. It's titled "Astro-naturelle".

Like anyone else, growing up I found that life only became harder with each staggering breath. I found that no matter how difficult things had gotten, there was always something bigger and tougher just behind it. But we're allowed to grow. We're pushed to grow the right way - up the wall, not sideways. We're taught the importance of success and basic modern world survival skills, if we're lucky.

Astro-naturelle: I always had a strong connection to my imagination and my imagination always had a strong connection to my happiness. After I graduated high-school, it became a strange flux between friends, nature, stress and reality. I found solace in my friends. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for every single one of them. I got lost in nature. I dipped my feet in unclear water and waded through fog. I stood above gorgeous valleys and I ran into waves which in return, ran into me. I found myself weighed down by burdens I wasn't prepared for. I was taught how to survive by being a man with a degree but nobody ever taught me how to be a boy without. Nobody told me what to do when I couldn't pull through, when I ached for different things. Nobody told me what to do when there was nobody to tell me what to do.

It'll always be, "Buckle down and do what you have to for your own sake. You were warned, this is the real world.
The real world.
The real world."

What a cruel world.
Still, life could've been crueler. I'm thankful that it wasn't and isn't. The real world - how mysterious it all is - hiding in plain sight. I was surrounded by reality but I deluded myself. I hid within my own mind and here I stand... Unready.

Astro-naturelle: I am alone in this café. I miss the taste of Singaporean cigarettes. I'll never miss the taste of those that were fifty percent tobacco and fifty percent a blend of both shame and guilt, but I will undoubtedly meet them again. They mark the troughs of my life. 2014 is coming to a close and I still wonder how being loved back would feel like. How depressing. But T.V. and film taught me how to deal with that. Patience is a virtue and waiting is a penance. But I will wait. There are larger things I should worry about. Lately, I've been telling myself and others that I've been working towards something big, something life-changing (for me, at least). I was excited about it when I first came across it once again - my ambition. Hope. Hope became something nostalgic. People - don't ask me who - say that nostalgia is a dangerous thing. It makes people long for things that are stuck in the past. It makes you yearn for things long gone. Is my hope long gone? Or is my nostalgia counterfeit?

Astro-naturelle: I was in love with outer space. I found the notion of expansive nothingness bewildering. Perhaps I wanted to belong with it. Perhaps I already did. I remember I always wanted to become a star. I compared a bright future to that of a spectre of the night sky. I wanted to become beautiful and to become a marvel - something that left people like my younger self in awe. How can something so unattached to anything and everything shine so bright and inspire so much? "Spark like empty lighters."* I love that lyric.

Astro-naturelle: I want to drink tonight. I want to make love tonight, relive remnants of past lives and taste what was. But I really don't. What a strange feeling to hold onto. Is it caused by hormones mixed with confusion or social standards countered by unwillingness to feel anything? Am I controlled by my body or the bodies of others? I really like this current other feeling though. Writing my soul somewhat bare. Taking off my normal-people skin and revealing my inner layer. It's just like everybody else's actually. We're all the same, you and I and the rest of the world. We hurt and we get hurt. We crave, we cry and we fight. We're alone in our minds. We're layers of normality, both compressed and expanded until we are oceans of it. And in that, in our waves of normalcy, we become our own seas.

Astro-naturelle: I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Astro-naturelle: I honestly don't know what to do from here on out. I have an idea of what I want to do but what I want to do has this uncanny familiarity to childhood imagination. I tell myself I'm growing up and that I'm learning new things every single day but my life is a repeat and I feel like a fraud. And it all comes so... Naturally.

Astro-naturelle: Everything must come to an end.

*Numb, Marina and the Diamonds.

Bye, thanks for reading!