So I handed in my AFTRS app and since then, I've been getting so many mixed feelings about it. Recently, my brother came into my room talking about all the bad things an arts degree really is. It's a mountain of HECS for something that really has no real-world value. You should do what you need and then do what you want. But, knowing me, if I did what I "needed" (really, what do I need? What's realistic? Is being unhappy what life is supposed to be? Should I accept that sort of reality? Yeah, I'm being mad dramatic. Wait, let's close this bracket and finish this sentence, then get back to this), I'd be so unhappy and unmotivated that I'd fail the semester, tbh, which is terrible, holy hell. Anyways, I know, I'm being mad dramatic about it and twisting it horribly, my brother's idea, to make it seem bad because ultimately, I just don't want to do the hard work that is studying for an "acceptable" degree. And really, it's not gonna make me unhappy. If anything, it'll just make me wait for my happiness. But, like, how fucking weak. I'm done doing what people suggest or what's expected of me. I did that last year and I tried to smother my sadness in smoke.
Pro's & Con's of getting a stable degree:
Pro's:
- Getting a degree is not easy. It's hard work. I would be proud, I guess, of myself to some extent.
- I'd have a safety net. Better safe than sorry.
- I'll be better able to get a job that can actually pay off my uni debts.
- It'll mean I sucked it up and did what I should have - my family would be content.
Con's:
- Should I?
- Four or more years of bitterness and loneliness and sadness.
- You came up with the idea that uni just wasn't for you. Why are you back?
- Are you that weak? (or is it weak to go straight for an arts degree?)
- I love my family but fuck what they think. I have to think for myself at some point. I've noticed that when it comes to decisions at work, I always ask my co-workers what I should do. This or that? And I'm the supervisor, smh. It's gotta stop.
It's been a while since I gave in my application, and to be absolutely honest, I am not at all confident. I'm very confident with my best work but of course, with my insecurities, I really don't think it's good enough to get away without a powerful crit essay and writing task. And mine were honestly half-assed, the 500 words tasks. I wish I bucked up earlier. I did at first and that died down and I was left with a few days to finish them off. For my essay, I wanted to be deep and philosiphical and show off my artsiness with The Tree of Life, but I took the easy route and went with The Office. It wasn't a bad essay, I don't think, but it was simple. I guess I let it all come down to the max 500 words, but really, I could've written something with so much more meaning in 500 words or less. I'm so disappointed with myself. And there's that caretaker shit I gave in, wtf. I'm not a person who can write a full story in less than 500 words, I've found out. I suck.
And now I'm in this dumb funk where I don't think I'll make it in, but I'm still holding on to some deadly, fucked-up hope that I will, and then when I don't, I'll be done. So really, with this lack of self-confidence there is no bright-side, no lower your expectations so you won't be as disappointed. Because I'm still a little unreasonably hopeful - and it's gonna consume me when the time comes.
But it's better to be hopeful than completely lacking of, right?
That's it for now, thanks for reading. Bye.
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