You're giving it all for nothing, you're giving it all for nothing - I know.

You know what I've always found interesting? Growing up in an area known for its immigrant population because all your friends and all the kids in your grade are second generation immigrants. And we all practically lived the same life. We all grew up the same. And it's sorta beautiful but sorta sad. I'll describe my feelings on my situation as a son of immigrant parents and maybe you guys will find a connection? Share the feelings?

First things first, no shame. No shame of what colour skin you have, no shame of your culture or your ethnicity. Your mum cooks pho, your base carbohydrates will always be rice, leave your shoes at the door, meet at 2pm "Asian time", *Cambodian phrases* (idk the cambos do that a lot and then they cheer) - pretty much azn pride. And it's great. Be proud to be born into the family you were born into.

But then there are the struggles - the struggles brought on from your parents' struggles (sounds bratty, I know lol). Because being a child of parents who migrated from poverty, there's pressure and burdens. But you can't speak about the pressure because speaking brings guilt.

It's beautiful, it really is - this admiration that we all feel for our parents. In the end, we're so glad that our parents endured so much and worked so hard to give us what we have now - coming from nothing and giving us everything.

And yet, it's so hard to live up to it all. Because they did work hard and you have to make up for it. You can't just fail and let down your parents so that everything they went through was pointless. And it's terrifying because it's not just your life in your hands. You have the weight of your parents' hopes as well. And it's heavy, believe me, it's so fucking heavy. But we're kids of immigrant parents. We were born with these weights tied to our ankles.

And of course, here comes the guilt: At least you weren't born into your parents' situation.

There are other factors also that affect all of us and that's the stigma and the expectations. It's how we're raised to live under the number one most important notion of respect. We have to keep the family's face. And I understand that, but it can be so poisonous. My parents haven't told a single person about my sexuality. Maybe it's just not the type of thing to come up in many conversations, but they know and I know, they wouldn't say shit if it did. "Why doesn't William have a girlfriend yet??" "Oh you know, he's just shy and not very good talking to girls!" And it extends beyond that to test results and careers, what you study.

And of course, of course, of course, of course, we all know, I know, you know, our parents sure know that we have to succeed because they built us a foundation to stand on. We have to grow up to study respectable degrees!! Keep the family's face, don't disappoint me, I just want you to have what I didn't.

It becomes a real privilege when you, the offspring of two people, can say "They didn't just have a baby forced into their lives, they chose to raise a child. They can keep acting like you owe them absolutely everything, like you have to pay them back but they knew exactly what they were getting into. Parents need to give their child space and let them bloom, blossom in the world the way they need to because you, as a parent, signed up for this. You gave birth to this child, the child was not a burden that was pushed onto you."

I don't really know what else to say about this topic. I'm sure there's a lot more to say. But I've always found that my happiness lies within my parent's disappointment. And it's a terrible feeling. I should be ashamed. But sadness overtakes the shame and instead I'm guilty and sad, sad and guilty.

Goodbye, friends.