Maps, Part II

"And this is how it starts,
Take your shoes off in the back of my van."

Hello, all, welcome back.

And I'll wake up and say everything will be just fine.

Lie to yourself, it leaves everybody high and dry. 

Alright, so where am I in my life?

Well, this isn't my midlife crisis, or rather, I hope it's not because then I'd be dead by 40. I hope I'm still alive by then. But this is getting ridiculous. Where do I go from here? Do I go back to uni? Try again? Try harder? Or do I chase the dream because trying to live a stable lifestyle has done nothing for me. Or maybe it could have. To be honest, right now, stability, or the notion of striving for it, seems so nice right now.

I feel like I'm imploding. Like I'm holding onto to so many things. I feel like shit. I dropped uni and yet I still feel so busy. But I'm not. I'm lounging, freeloading. But I'm weighed down with endless thoughts and I just want to be somewhere and to do something. I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself, imploding, collapsing, falling apart, falling into a void - I feel heavy with burdens left behind from when I kicked my other burdens away. My life is good, but it's not, it's not, it's not, but I'm in a good home with a loving family and food and shelter and warmth.

But I'm so sad. 

Here, beach photos to lighten the mood:

Tannin', brah, that's what it's all about.

Can u see da girls in da water?

I present to you, the story of two lesbian lovers who run into the sea together, away from the constricting forces of society. But, not all good things last.

 Not all good things last because Maria is such a bitch, look at her push Jessica right into the wave. Nobody wants any of that, Maria, please behave!

Is that Naomi Campbell or am I racist?

I'm probably racist.

Anyways, that was part II of Maps. I will continue this series in due time. Two posts in a row? Crazy, I know. I'll see you guys later. Bye.

Maps, Part I

I should be happy.
And at the same time, I should be at the lowest of my lows.

I'm still empty. This is a life update. Let me tell you about where I am now.

I am unsure as to whether I should be happy or not. I should be inspired to do new things. Let's make a list of things I should do, now that I have the time to do both them and the following list:

1. Learn how to drive. I'm still on a shameful 0 hours.
2. Learn German. I gotta do it. I can't just stop. I gotta learn German, brah.
3. Make art. I wanted to do this photography project. Let me talk more about it now.

Essentially, it's just nice pictures, mostly of people, with captions - as if it's a screencap from a tv show with the subtitles on. Here, examples.

 

But then some just don't need words aye?

Yeah, I know, it's nothing new and it ain't original, but I want to do it. Btw, these are just screencaps haha, and what I want to do is model photographs around this idea. Idk, I just wanna be hip hahahha. Anyways, back to the list:

4. Finish The Phthisis of the Apple. Just finish it, edit it thoroughly, and make something out of it. Decide on an ending? Maybe plan out what the book is actually about? We shall see.

5. Make more art. Just more art.

6. Find direction.

My birthday was not so long ago and I had a blaaaaaaaast. Pretty much, I took all the people I cared about and crammed them into one room. It was great, but ofc, classic me, I had some regrets. And they were that I didn't actually get white girl wasted and there was no crack-cocaine I didn't take enough polaroids. I actually took none, just poked my head into the group ones lol. Anyways, despite those, I had so much fun. I was super nervous about how my friends would be with my other friends but because I only make friends with cool people, everybody had fun together.Apparently people enjoyed themselves because they were partying with new people and I really enjoyed myself because I was in a room full of people who already knew me and accepted me for my loserness so I could be my true self, the ultimate loser and let loose/lose/have fun. It was so great. Here, photos:

Gettin ready 4 a good night

Jezzabelle + Hellbelle

This photo isn't blurry but their smiles died a bit from the last one :( Or maybe, because this photo is so much clearer, you can see how uncomfortable they really actually are.

 If you look at the following photos now, you'll see it's a progression from a badly focused photo to well focused one, but not only that, it's also me noticing that they were taking photos and that I could be in them as well.

Bondin' over noodles, yay

lol

The bae revisiting the closet.

Haha, you know what's funny? Even after all those drinks, at 4am, we all decided to turn out the lights and call it a night, passing out in unison. Anyways, this was Bill the morning after.

Chillin'

Feist'

Simmer Down and Pucker Up. I put that as an instagram description for one of my posts and it was arctic monkeys lyrics but I meant it as new nicknames for me and maria derived from those lyrics. I don't think anybody got that. Anyways, I'm Simmer Down and Maria is Pucker Up.

Bonus pic:

My dear darling, Trinnie the Tranny <3

Anyways, I'm gonna write a paragraph directed to one person in particular, maybe you still check my blog? Anyways, thank you for taking me to the seminar the other week. I know the group involved mean a lot to you and to not only be invited but given special tickets means a lot to me. It was so nice of you and it just showed how much of a good person you are - especially since you barely know me. It's a quality to admire. And I know you expected me to write a blog post about how it changed my life and all, but I can't. I really, really do appreciate what you did but this blog is my sanctuary. I have to be absolutely honest and if I there's something I'm not comfortable with saying, then I will avoid saying it. But I can't lie. So there will be no blog post about how my life is going in a better direction now. Not to give the impression that the seminar did nothing though. It did give me ideas about what to do with my life. And again, I'd just like to stress: thank you and please understand, this paragraph was not designed to make you or your group look bad, it just wasn't for me.

Which is sort of a transition into the next thing, Dear You:

I saw the gals doing this and I wanted to join. Anyways:

Dear You,

#1 I always get so angry at you. You can say such hurtful things. At one point, I thought you were the worst person, and I was so angry at you. I couldn't stand you. Then I started thinking about it. And amongst all the problems in my life, you kept on being that bitch at the back of my head. So I came to the conclusion that I was so annoyed because I actually do care about you. And it's strange. I don't want to, but I do. And I don't know if I mean anything to you at all. I hope I do. But I'm also sorta okay if I don't. I don't expect to be. I just want us to be good friends. You say such hurtful things though.

#2 I appreciate your existence. You are a key part to my being. You've shaped me, and not in a bad way. All the bad things about my life were self-inflicted. You are the better things in my life, the good memories.

#3 I wonder what we are now. We've become so distant. I miss you, but not exactly. I'm alright with what we are. We aren't attached by the hip anymore and you have someone closer to you that knows everything about what's going on in your life. The old me would've been so jealous, hahaha. I would've hated this. In fact, in highschool, it killed me. But I'm okay now. You're your own person. I'm glad you have somebody and that he's making you a "better" person. But please be sure that you're happy and that if you need to vent or anything, just come to me. I still consider you my best friend [wasn't that a giveaway]. 

#4 I think you're pretty cool. You're cooler than me, lol, which isn't that much of an achievement, but I just want you to know, you're pretty cool. But don't get a boob job. I wanna be supportive of your own decisions as a grown woman to do what you want to make yourself happy, but I'm gonna put my opinion out there. You don't need it. I could bring up the argument that body modifications like boob jobs are bad because you're messing with the body you were born with but I'm also in full support of tattoos and piercings soooo... But here's what I think. You can do what you want with your body, and if it makes you feel good about yourself, go for it. But make sure you do feel good about it. And yeah, I know, don't do things based on what other people will think of you because that sucks, but what will you think of you? Okay, I'm so bad at wording this. Personally, I think what you do with your body says a lot about you - whether it be staying fit, eating what you want, dying your hair or getting a tattoo. And a boob job can say several things: I was uncomfortable with my body and I made the decision to modify my body the way that exercise can't. But also, I was driven to the point where I had to undergo surgery because I was pushed into thinking tiny tits made me worthless by a society that told me a pretty face wasn't enough and that hot got you what you wanted. And yeah, tattoos say shit about you to, but it doesn't say "I thought I was near worthless until I got these implants." This is such a dumb topic and it's so complicated, why did I get into this?

Okay okay, let's try to condense this. I don't think a boob job is gonna fix anything. Radiate via confidence. You are pretty, and you can be hot. Be hot by being confident. Like I always say, head up, shoulders apart and the look of murder (haha, yeah, I stole that off the internet). You can be sexy, and you can get the boys you want. Maybe not THAT boy, but fuck him, he's a loser and you're out of his league. And yeah, haha, I know you think you ain't but honey, you're one of the good ones. You're pretty, you're intelligent and you're fun. You are set.

#5 I'm so in love with you, lol. Ofc, naturally, you're straight, but I'm still so in love with you. I love your laugh and your smile and the scar by your mouth. I love how you're so chill and how you're so calm and cool when you're neutral. It makes smiling you all that much better. I love how nice you are. You're just so nice. But don't get me wrong. Understand that I'm not actually in love with you. And I'm not gonna get obsessive or anything. You're pretty cool as just a friend, and I'm just glad I get to be your friend. This isn't that situation that I always seem to find myself in, where I get so sad that we can't be. In fact, I've found that I have zero feelings for you at all. Which is strange. You're just my type LOL Anyways, it's nice that we're friends. I hope this continues.

#6 I hate that I can't tell you about the big things that happen in my life because every time I do at all, it becomes a big lecture. And I always end up feeling like shit/guilty/dumb/useless.

#7 Kinda sad you didn't come to my birthday. It just makes the night feel slightly incomplete that I didn't get to see you.

This post will be continued. I'm not gonna make anymore Dear You's, but I will talk more about my life, continue the life update. Bye, guys, thanks for reading. Stay tuned. I'll try not to leave a 25 day gap again. At least not for the coming post lol BYE!

What do I say now?

So I dropped out of uni. Which is sorta surprising to me, because I never really saw it coming, but where else could this have gone? And my emotions about all this has been in a weird flux lately between relief and worry, sadness and even deeper sadness. Yesterday at work, while counting the registers, I had this huge hit of I don't even know what. I just got really sad about how my life was unfolding. I want to say I have some sort of direction but I don't. I'm lost. I have absolutely no plans for the future and I'm just sitting in the space between what my future was supposed to be and what it will actually be. I'm empty.

I remember when this was all starting to happen. Semester one was yet to start and I was already sure of where I was going. I was going to be a university drop-out. By this time, I was in possession of my first carton of cigarettes and I figured, on the first day of uni, or rather the day that I was supposed to start uni, I'd go to Victoria park by usyd and smoke away the fact that I was nothing. But when the morning had come, and I had no classes and no routine, I sat on the floor of my bedroom, keeled over and laid stuck still in realisation of how I had potentially ruined everything. I finally experienced what it was, or at least an inkling of what it was, to be cripplingly sad. I packed my carton in my big red coat's front pocket and left for uni. Things got better when I met my friends again though. I drank beer at Manning and ate really big strawberries with Nini. It was nice. No cigarettes that day. From then on, I kept going back to uni to deal with small things and to meet up with friends. I kept meeting with friends during their breaks and every time they asked me when I had classed, I either lied my ass off and said I was done for the day, had classes already! Or I'd mutter and then ask really loudly, WHY, WHEN DO YOU HAVE CLASS? And they'd brush it off and reply. We'd move on and I'd continue lying to everybody I cared about.

I think that's what I'm ashamed of the most. I try to be a good person, I really do. But sometimes it becomes apparent that I'm not. And that's not so bad to me, which just provides further evidence. But lying is a terrible thing. And I did that a lot. I used to try really hard to not lie when it came to secrets like my sexuality. When asked if I was gay, I'd just say "I don't know, am I?" And I'd run away from the question/questioner. And yes, haha, I'm aware that saying "idk" was technically lying because I was well aware of what I was and am, but understand, saying "idk, am I?" was my way of saying yes without actually saying it. And if I couldn't do that, I just avoided telling the truth. But lately, lying became easy and I was doing it left, right and centre. And it was terrible.

Anyways, during my panic at work, I thought about the person I would become and I hated it. I refuse to stay at Coles forever. It's not the worst thing, and if I get high up in the ranks, life wouldn't totally suck, but I would hate myself so much. I'm already disappointed in myself as it is. But I think one of the most deep-seated fears I have is growing up to be just like grown-up should be. I'll work all the time and when I'm not working, I'll be running errands and fixing appliances. I'll make bad jokes that will never offend a single soul but I'll be so incredibly boring.

My foot's numb.

I want to be hip forever. I want to have a famous blog. I want to be someone's dream guy, that down-to-mars boy - with quirks you fall in love with. I want people to be happy around me all the time. I want to remind people of happiness. Which I guess is a bit much and a tiny bit unachievable because who is so unromantically good, they'd remind them of happiness. But I want to be cool forever. I want to be those cool white men with opinions and beardy beards who eat organic, have cute apartments and dress well. I'm not any of that now. Not at all. I blame my upbringing haha, I kid.

I want to be famous. I want people that know me now to be amazed. I want them to think, I knew that guy and I'm so happy for him. I want myself, right now, to look at that guy, that world-class director, and cry from happiness. I just want good things for myself. I do hear how ridiculous that sounds. But I want so much for the person I become. I want to rise from whatever this is. I want to be someone interesting.

But we, as a species, or as a group, or as people who want to survive, need to think realistically. And yet, the ringing in my ear - I'll survive, but will I live? I'll breathe, but will it be worth it?

Let's change the topic. Today I asked for contact lenses, and I tried some and got to go home with the ones I was testing + one pair which I'm saving for Friday night. Anyways, I spent the whole day feeling pretty hahaha. Whenever I want to see what I look like without glasses, I really can't. Because everything's a blur, and being shortsighted, I have to keep my face really close to the mirror to actually see my face. And from that view, everything is up close and personal, and I get to see all my flaws, up. close. and PERSONAL. It's a scary thing. But now, I can see myself from a safe distance, how most people would be looking at me. And it's not that bad. Well, I don't think it's that bad. Pretty much, what I'm trying to say is that this change is a nice one for me. I feel better about my appearance. Too bad appearance wasn't my biggest problem.

I miss my uni friends. Probably because the wound is still fresh. Probably because I've been seeing pics of them hanging at uni and having fun together. Probably because I could've held onto that. Probably because I gave it up. And through all the sadness and stress that came out of uni, they were the only thing I loved at usyd.

I miss uni. I miss my friends. I miss all of them.

:)

So it started on Tuesday, I guess. Bao was back in Aus and he and the gang were supposed to hang but they couldn't make it so it was just me and Bao and we just met up at Capitol Starbucks, caught up and then we ate at Grill'd. After that, we went to Manning at USYD for this welcome party for international students that Bao had gone to the year before. It was nice. I drank beer and cider and danced to Drunk In Love and Cinema and then I got really sleepy and the guard took me out of the room to say, aye, you can't sleep here, lol. Anyways, I lost my portable phone charger and headed home from Redfern at around 11. That was the night before O-week and I was supposed to fill the goodie bags before bed, ready for the early morning. But yeah, I was intoxicated (from beer and ciders lol) so I just slept, hoping to wake up five hours later to do the bags. Buuut, I woke up at 6:30, half an hour before my EVP was picking me up to go to USYD so I ran downstairs, threw everything into the bags and I had to skip my morning shower. Anyways, O-week was great the first day. We had about 90 sign ups and a lot of photos with the Instagram frame.

Photos of me because I'm too in love with myself.

After that, Tammy took the things home and I went to eat with Jess, Nini, Thomas, Chris and Bao. And then we chilled and talked in front of Cold Rock. That was nice. I got home by around 8:30 and half of KIK came over to play board games. We played Small World and I came third. I slept dirty from the days before hoping to wash it all off the next morning. And then I woke up to a message that I didn't have a ride to uni and that I'd have to take the train. Chris thankfully was able to help me carry stuff and the day went well, but I was so dirty from the bar and O-week day 1. We signed up over 100 the second day. After a long day, we left stuff in the locker and I went home with Bao where we left some oweek stuff at my house. I showered off the dirt and changed into some nice hipster attire as an attempt to achieve Vic's "Kpop" dress code for the party she had planned for that night. I met a whole bunch of new people and spent the night getting lightly tipsy on cruisers and singing to pop songs with Bao and William. James, our ride to the party had to leave early, and so Bao and I made the decision to stay until the morning. I got Bao to sleep for a few hours while I tried to stay up all night as to not wake up late via not waking up or rather, sleeping at all. I ended up falling asleep though. I did manage to wake up at a suitable time so all good. I went to Bao's couch to wake him but he was already up so I ended up sleeping in his spot for a bit lol. We caught the 6:40 train to cabra and then to fairfield so that I could get back home to grab stuff and then head off to uni for the last day of O-week. I manned the stall and signed up our last 40 of the three days. The rain and wind had destroyed the frame from the day before and the morning rain was only going to kill it more. That was sad. Oh! Yesterday when the weather turned around and I got so pissy, my bad.

Anyways, me and the crew went to have that plant milk tea in burwood. It was pretty cool. We also had viet food and it just felt so nice. It really did. Anyways, Jem drove us all home in Vic's car and it was from there that Bao finally left. And then I uploaded the photos from oweek and after that, Jess picked me up to go to Kenny's. At this point, I was on top of the world. O-week went well, I was happy. I got to spend so much time with the crew, mostly Baowao (who i hate to admit, was pretty great to hang out with. His accent and charm make me so cheery). And after all that, I got to see Jess who I hadn't seen in soooo long. I really missed her. I didn't realise it before, but it was just really great when she picked me up. Also, strangely, it was really nice to see Hellbelle too. But yeah, by the end of the night, I was dead tired. What a weeeeek.

Anyways, today is monday. I was sad. For a moment this morning, I had a feeling of what crippling sadness was like. It was not fun. But I saw Bao on the way into uni and then I had cider and strawberries with Nini, it was v nice. Oh, and while I'm here:

NUMBER ONE BIGGEST PET PEEVE OF WORKING AT COLES:

THOSE BITCHES, THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS, WHO DECIDE THAT SELF-CHECKOUT IS JUST A SHORT LINE. LIKE THERE ARE THESE BITCHES WHO THINK THEY CAN GET THE WORKER WHO OVERSEES CUSTOMERS AND HELPS THOSE WHO NEED IT AT SELF CHECKOUT (SCO) TO DO THEIR SCANNING AND SHIT FOR THEM. I MEAN, YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT, I'LL TEACH YOU. BUT THERE ARE THESE OLD MEN THAT UGHHHH. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, SCO IS NOT A PLACE FOR YOU TO GO TO SO THAT THE WORKER DOES ALL THE SHIT FOR YOU, AND YOU GET OUT OF THE STORE QUICKER. YOU GO THERE IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE STORE QUICKER AND ALSO, YOU AIN'T INCOMPETENT. LIKE SHIT SON, LEMME TALK ABOUT THIS ONE LADY. THIS BITCH IS ALL LIKE INDICATING THAT SHE NEEDS HELP AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE THE MACHINE. SO I'M LIKE, OH THAT'S OKAY. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TAKE AN ITEM, SCAN IT, AND THROW IT IN THE BAG. THEN SCAN THE NEXT. LIKE SHIT, DAYUM. BUT THIS BITCH IS LIKE, "CAN YOU DO IT FOR ME" AGAIN. AND I'M LIKE, FUCKING FINE. BUT YOU SEE THE PROBLEM IS, YOU AIN'T THE ONLY BITCH UP IN THIS BITCH - OTHER PEOPLE NEED MY HELP. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO RUN INTO PROBLEMS WITH THE MACHINE LIKE BAGGING ERRORS AND RECEIPT PAPER JAMS. AND WHEN I WAS SCANNING THIS LADY'S SHIT I SAW THAT OTHER PEOPLE NEEDED ME. SO I'M LIKE, JUST CONTINUE, I NEED TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. AND THIS BITCH HAS THE NERVE TO SHOOT ME A DEATH STARE LIKE I'M THE ASSHOLE. HUN, HOW DARE YOU. I'M ALREADY PISSED THAT YOU PRETTY MUCH CAME IN HERE TO AVOID A LINE AND FUCKING IGNORED ME OR DISMISSED ME WHEN I TRIED TO TEACH YOU. AND SHIT SON, THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE AT THE REGISTERS AND THE LINES ARE PRETTY DAMN SHORT. GET YO LAZY INCOMPETENT ASS IN THOSE LINES, HOE. MAYBE I'M GETTING A LITTLE TOO WORKED UP ON THIS. BUT LEGIT, IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD.

MORAL OF THE STORY, THE SELF CHECKOUT IS NOT SOME PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BARGE YOUR ASS IN AND GET THE WORKER TO DO YOUR SHIT FOR YOU SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND IN A LINE. IT IS SELFISH AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WERE FORCED TO COME IN HERE AND DO SHIT, YOU CHOSE TO FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH REASONS. OMG, FORGOT TO MENTION HOW AFTER THIS BITCH GLARES AT ME AS I GO TO HELP OTHER CUSTOMERS, SHE JUST STANDS THERE. THERE ARE LIKE TWO BROKEN DOWN MACHINES AND THERE'S A LINE AT SCO AND THIS BITCH JUST STANDS THERE WAITING FOR ME. SO I HAVE TO GIVE IN AND FINISH WITH HER SHIT FIRST. FUCK OFF, MATE. SMH, HATE THESE PEOPLE SO MUCH. CAN'T USE SCO? WAIT FOR THE DAMN REGISTERS. YOU AIN'T SPECIAL.

Okay, guys, thanks for reading! Bye!!!! <3

Drunk In Love

Happy Valentine's day, errbody. So I did nothing all day. What about you lot?

You know what I absolutely love? When people see something I have or just something in general and they say "that's so you!" It happened several times at beach house :D:D:D I just love it. It's usually about clothes but I love that people have this slight image of me and what I'd like or just objects that represent me. They're usually floral hahaha, I love flowers.

I've only noticed recently how much more tan I've become. And I am annoyed LOL Because it's not the healthy golden brown that you'd want, it's more of a baked yellow. I just became a darker shade of yellow! But if I had to choose between staying in all day and staying a nice pale tone or going out and to beaches then of course I would beach all day every day. I love the beach. I remember thinking swimming pools were the shit and beaches were shit but I take that back now. Sand, sun and waves - that's where it's at.

Anyways, I have work later. ... Bye! With lots of love, me.

*Gives a cheeky and seductive blink*

Lengthy

Written a bit after the new year:

2014 started off quite nicely, I suppose. These past weeks I was aching to spend new years at a beach party and I guess I sorta got there. On the 31st, drew took us to Garrie Beach and it was so nice! Although, a tiny bit more sun would've been perfect, the weather was great. It was pretty breezy but not so much that it was cold and it was nice enough for drew to fly his kite. The sand was nice, the waves were great and maria/huynh let me use the boogie boards I chose not to buy. Hopefully I still have my old boards. I also wore my trusty sombrero which I love and snapped a new fb profile pic with. You know what I just realised? I spent nye with two separate groups of ppl and we're all in the same group anyways hahahah [except for hellen, fk hellen]. Anyways, we got home and then Jess picked me up so I could spend New Years Eve at Coogee beach. We had trouble deciding where to park our behinds but we settled on Coogee. We drank a bit and then we laid down in the sand. The sand was nice and cool and the stars weren't very visible but it was nice to see an almost-black sky with grey clouds. That has a niceness in itself. I kept looking at my watch to start counting down but it was then that I learnt that my watch was slow. Like, thirty seconds to midnight, people started cheering and running into the water, and hellen and collin were like, brah, too early, what losers. Then hellen looked at her phone and we started cheering lol and hugging and saying happy new year!!! Then Jess went to the ocean to, um, have a swim and shortly after, I took off my clothes and ran half naked into la mer. Then we took a taxi to central where we sang with the pal boys and their girls. Then we went back to the beach, took photos of the beautiful sunrise - a great sunrise to start 2014 with and then we went home.

I think I was just happy to spend the last minutes of 2013 lying in cool sand, listening to the soothing sounds of waves collapsing upon waves and Nicki Minaj.

Which brings me to the next topic, what was going to be the song of 2014? If you didn't know already, I sorta make my resolutions through songs and what they mean to me. I've no idea what to do for this year. It's been 6 days and nope, no song. Jess su-jess-ted that I do Pound the Alarm because why not and I was like yeah, why not! And then I thought about how I wanted this year to go and if I wanted a year full of parties and dancing, I would definitely make it Pound the Alarm. But that's not my main priority this year. In fact, I don't know what my main priority really is. Is it getting my life on track? Is it pursuing the dream?

When I got home, I played Riptide in bed. It was nice. I love that song.

It is now the 26th and I still don't have a song.

Whoops, first of feb. Anyways,

Hello, 11th now.



I'm sorry, Miss Jackson, OOOOH. I am 4 real. Never meant to make your daughter cry, I apologise a trillion times.

You know what I loved? When I was working two days before new years day, there'd be a customer every now and then that would wish me a happy new year. If i were working on nye, I prolly would've wished every customer one, but since it was too early, I decided not to, and the ones that did before they left made me really happy.

I've been so sad lately.

The beach house was great! It was v chill but sometimes too much chill is boring, you know? I think I felt boredom too much, but I had fun as well. I felt so guilty throughout the trip though. I wish I could just float again. I took on too many responsibilities and now it feels like I'm combusting but in slow motion, until I am nothing but embers that fade into sparks and then nothing altogether.

I'm a mess, I'm a mess - how could I let myself come to this.

So I've been writing poetry and whatnot on my phone. Also, I'm gonna stop all this writing and publishing immediately nonsense because it just ain't good. I'm only releasing the good stuff now, not the words from the top of my head. Anyways, I was looking back at my secret journal yesterday and the last passage was actually from february 2013. And I sounded so happy and excited and hopeful. I went back further and it was just so nice to be in the past for a moment. I read the parts of the journal from 2010 and my problems were so tiny. I didn't care about school all too much and the only thing that made me particularly sad was Eeh. Eeh was my biggest problem back then. What I would do to be back in that kind a situation again. Haha, remember my blog posts about that boy. To be honest, I'll always love and want Eeh. Not that I still particularly love or want Eeh right now, it's just that he'll always be that boy to me. Always. I'm glad I liked him out of everybody else. I can't say the same for him but OH WELLS. Anyways, reading the journal reminded me of a thing I wrote a few weeks ago:

I miss everything. I miss 2010. I miss how new everything was becoming. I miss being doe-eyed and unaware or rather, ignorant as to how my actions would affect my future. I miss the naivety and unknowing pain of being in love with a straight boy. I miss seeking attention anywhere I could get it. I miss feeling more accomplished than I do now. I miss feeling like I was different. I was the same as a million other people, but I was changing and I miss that also. I miss the way blocked noses and 63% were the worst things that happened to me. I miss a lot of things, and I miss 2010.

I think I'm gonna make that an instagram description on a tbt some day LOL

Gosh, I keep making bad decisions. The whole of 2013 was a bad decision. I'm glad with all the new things I did though. All the beaches I went to and all the fun I had with friends. I'm thankful for the joy I felt. I can't say 2013 was the best year of my life, but it wasn't the worst. Although clouded with my irresponsibility and mistakes, 2013 was a fun year.

Too fucking bad, aye?

I'm both happy and sad and happy and sad and happy and irrevocably sad.

I want so badly to follow my dream but I have to swim there and I'm afraid of the ocean.

"She will weep until she drowns" - six word story.

That is all. I'll leave you now. Thanks for reading.

But With You, My Dear, I'm Safe and We're A Million Miles Away

LOL I had a new year post for the first of 2014. But oh wells, too lazy to finish it, so here's my rant about her.

I watched the Film "Her", directed by Spike Jonze, today. It was a really good movie. Like, so gooood. I loved it and it wasn't at all overhyped! Let's do dot points because I'm lazy. By the way, there will be spoilers, so watch the film first!

• Joaquin Phoenix was amazing. He was... He showed the emotion exquisitely. He's not exactly what I expected, but he played the character so well. He wasn't the perfect character. Theodore Twombly had flaws and it was great. Of course, we should've known from the start that he was a troubled, flawed man because, you know, he dates a computer. But Theodore was a character you really wanted to like, but you also knew he was in the wrong, but you didn'tttt. 
• Fun fact: Although, Joaquin was born with the name, he often called himself Leaf Phoenix to fit in with his siblings earthier names, River and Rain. Also, the family adopted the surname Phoenix to mark the new beginnings of their lives, travelling as an acting troupe/family. 
• Scarlet Johansson was amazing as a voice! I like how they chose her raspy voice, it just adds something to her character - an operating system designed to suit its user but also to learn things as experienced. Kinda had that girl-next-door feel to it.
• My favourite thing that Spike did was when he wanted to portray what the person was thinking during the scene, he'd continue using the scene's diegetic sounds, but show tiny snippets of memories. It was really beautiful.
• I loved Samantha's "photographs".
• So many beautiful frames in one film. The beach, the shower, the rooftop. Such typical images but Jonze does something, he shoots from different angles, he just adds something to them. I loved the way he shot and directed this damn film. How Theodore lying on the beach was so much more than it was. It felt like an old family video at times.
• I love how everything started falling apart after he was so happy, and he built the courage to sign his divorce papers. I love how the reality of it all came to him and how looking at Samantha's name hand-written like his letters ruined his image of her. 
• My favourite scene was the Moon Song scene. Check out the song.

• And then there was the ending. Throughout the second half of the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about how they'd end it. I knew there had to be happy ending. I had no idea how Jonze worked, and I'm not sure, but I half wanted him to end it in tragedy or sadness, but I really didn't at the same time. And the ending was great. The movie was about Theodore's love life and his divorce, yes, but it was also about Samantha. Sure she was just an Operating System, but she was learning things as she went and everything was new to her. She had emotions and emotions about her emotions and whether they were real or not. She was having existential crises throughout the whole film. And I really loved how they made us, the audience, believe, or want to believe rather, that Samantha was in fact real. I believed, probably because of all those sci-fi thingoes about cloning and shit, that her feelings were authentic, even if she didn't have a body. I was thinking about how they could end it happily, and I thought that it would either mean that Theodore would live the rest of his life with Samantha, or find someone new [which would've been to much for an ending, really, at that point of the film]. But they took away the image we had of Samantha. They introduced her as virtual woman, but she grew and learned, so we started believing she could be as real as any other woman, but then there was the whole physical body problem, and getting angry at her feelings and confusion which made us remember that she was, after all, only an AI, but then Theodore ignored those things and they fell deeper and deeper in love, and Samantha was happy that she didn't have a physical body but eventually left anyway. We believed it, and then she just got up and left. She admitted that she fell in love with 6 hundred and something other people. She disconnected at one point and then came back to tell Theodore that she and all the other OS' were leaving. And with that, the audience along with Theodore realised what was real and important and he wrote that beautiful letter to his ex-wife and just found closure. And the closing rooftop scene with Amy was just perfect.
• Also, Amy as a character intrigued me. Mostly because I don't actually understand the point of her. Maybe she was supposed to be the best friend character. But she also reflected Theodore. I don't know. She confuses me. I need to know why she existed in this film. I hope I find out eventually.
• I guess the only bad thing  I have to say is they crammed a lot of things into one film, and being a two hour film, it was a bit lengthy. But it was good anyways, lol, I still love it.
• The writing was great and the cinematography was lovely.
• I would watch this again, definitely. 10/10 would bang. 
• Thanks and goodbye.
• Oh! And just a comment on the time period. I was kinda surprised that it was set in the future because when I only had the trailer, it never occurred to me that it could've been set in a different time. Also, I remember watching the trailer and thinking Theodore was a major loser because of his fashion sense with the shirts and the pants pulled waaaay up. but apparently that's what's hip in their time and really, Theodore wore the nicest clothes hahaha.

I waited a long time to see this film and it did not disappoint. I recommend this film to the dayz, guys. It's a must-watch.