Maps, Part I

I should be happy.
And at the same time, I should be at the lowest of my lows.

I'm still empty. This is a life update. Let me tell you about where I am now.

I am unsure as to whether I should be happy or not. I should be inspired to do new things. Let's make a list of things I should do, now that I have the time to do both them and the following list:

1. Learn how to drive. I'm still on a shameful 0 hours.
2. Learn German. I gotta do it. I can't just stop. I gotta learn German, brah.
3. Make art. I wanted to do this photography project. Let me talk more about it now.

Essentially, it's just nice pictures, mostly of people, with captions - as if it's a screencap from a tv show with the subtitles on. Here, examples.

 

But then some just don't need words aye?

Yeah, I know, it's nothing new and it ain't original, but I want to do it. Btw, these are just screencaps haha, and what I want to do is model photographs around this idea. Idk, I just wanna be hip hahahha. Anyways, back to the list:

4. Finish The Phthisis of the Apple. Just finish it, edit it thoroughly, and make something out of it. Decide on an ending? Maybe plan out what the book is actually about? We shall see.

5. Make more art. Just more art.

6. Find direction.

My birthday was not so long ago and I had a blaaaaaaaast. Pretty much, I took all the people I cared about and crammed them into one room. It was great, but ofc, classic me, I had some regrets. And they were that I didn't actually get white girl wasted and there was no crack-cocaine I didn't take enough polaroids. I actually took none, just poked my head into the group ones lol. Anyways, despite those, I had so much fun. I was super nervous about how my friends would be with my other friends but because I only make friends with cool people, everybody had fun together.Apparently people enjoyed themselves because they were partying with new people and I really enjoyed myself because I was in a room full of people who already knew me and accepted me for my loserness so I could be my true self, the ultimate loser and let loose/lose/have fun. It was so great. Here, photos:

Gettin ready 4 a good night

Jezzabelle + Hellbelle

This photo isn't blurry but their smiles died a bit from the last one :( Or maybe, because this photo is so much clearer, you can see how uncomfortable they really actually are.

 If you look at the following photos now, you'll see it's a progression from a badly focused photo to well focused one, but not only that, it's also me noticing that they were taking photos and that I could be in them as well.

Bondin' over noodles, yay

lol

The bae revisiting the closet.

Haha, you know what's funny? Even after all those drinks, at 4am, we all decided to turn out the lights and call it a night, passing out in unison. Anyways, this was Bill the morning after.

Chillin'

Feist'

Simmer Down and Pucker Up. I put that as an instagram description for one of my posts and it was arctic monkeys lyrics but I meant it as new nicknames for me and maria derived from those lyrics. I don't think anybody got that. Anyways, I'm Simmer Down and Maria is Pucker Up.

Bonus pic:

My dear darling, Trinnie the Tranny <3

Anyways, I'm gonna write a paragraph directed to one person in particular, maybe you still check my blog? Anyways, thank you for taking me to the seminar the other week. I know the group involved mean a lot to you and to not only be invited but given special tickets means a lot to me. It was so nice of you and it just showed how much of a good person you are - especially since you barely know me. It's a quality to admire. And I know you expected me to write a blog post about how it changed my life and all, but I can't. I really, really do appreciate what you did but this blog is my sanctuary. I have to be absolutely honest and if I there's something I'm not comfortable with saying, then I will avoid saying it. But I can't lie. So there will be no blog post about how my life is going in a better direction now. Not to give the impression that the seminar did nothing though. It did give me ideas about what to do with my life. And again, I'd just like to stress: thank you and please understand, this paragraph was not designed to make you or your group look bad, it just wasn't for me.

Which is sort of a transition into the next thing, Dear You:

I saw the gals doing this and I wanted to join. Anyways:

Dear You,

#1 I always get so angry at you. You can say such hurtful things. At one point, I thought you were the worst person, and I was so angry at you. I couldn't stand you. Then I started thinking about it. And amongst all the problems in my life, you kept on being that bitch at the back of my head. So I came to the conclusion that I was so annoyed because I actually do care about you. And it's strange. I don't want to, but I do. And I don't know if I mean anything to you at all. I hope I do. But I'm also sorta okay if I don't. I don't expect to be. I just want us to be good friends. You say such hurtful things though.

#2 I appreciate your existence. You are a key part to my being. You've shaped me, and not in a bad way. All the bad things about my life were self-inflicted. You are the better things in my life, the good memories.

#3 I wonder what we are now. We've become so distant. I miss you, but not exactly. I'm alright with what we are. We aren't attached by the hip anymore and you have someone closer to you that knows everything about what's going on in your life. The old me would've been so jealous, hahaha. I would've hated this. In fact, in highschool, it killed me. But I'm okay now. You're your own person. I'm glad you have somebody and that he's making you a "better" person. But please be sure that you're happy and that if you need to vent or anything, just come to me. I still consider you my best friend [wasn't that a giveaway]. 

#4 I think you're pretty cool. You're cooler than me, lol, which isn't that much of an achievement, but I just want you to know, you're pretty cool. But don't get a boob job. I wanna be supportive of your own decisions as a grown woman to do what you want to make yourself happy, but I'm gonna put my opinion out there. You don't need it. I could bring up the argument that body modifications like boob jobs are bad because you're messing with the body you were born with but I'm also in full support of tattoos and piercings soooo... But here's what I think. You can do what you want with your body, and if it makes you feel good about yourself, go for it. But make sure you do feel good about it. And yeah, I know, don't do things based on what other people will think of you because that sucks, but what will you think of you? Okay, I'm so bad at wording this. Personally, I think what you do with your body says a lot about you - whether it be staying fit, eating what you want, dying your hair or getting a tattoo. And a boob job can say several things: I was uncomfortable with my body and I made the decision to modify my body the way that exercise can't. But also, I was driven to the point where I had to undergo surgery because I was pushed into thinking tiny tits made me worthless by a society that told me a pretty face wasn't enough and that hot got you what you wanted. And yeah, tattoos say shit about you to, but it doesn't say "I thought I was near worthless until I got these implants." This is such a dumb topic and it's so complicated, why did I get into this?

Okay okay, let's try to condense this. I don't think a boob job is gonna fix anything. Radiate via confidence. You are pretty, and you can be hot. Be hot by being confident. Like I always say, head up, shoulders apart and the look of murder (haha, yeah, I stole that off the internet). You can be sexy, and you can get the boys you want. Maybe not THAT boy, but fuck him, he's a loser and you're out of his league. And yeah, haha, I know you think you ain't but honey, you're one of the good ones. You're pretty, you're intelligent and you're fun. You are set.

#5 I'm so in love with you, lol. Ofc, naturally, you're straight, but I'm still so in love with you. I love your laugh and your smile and the scar by your mouth. I love how you're so chill and how you're so calm and cool when you're neutral. It makes smiling you all that much better. I love how nice you are. You're just so nice. But don't get me wrong. Understand that I'm not actually in love with you. And I'm not gonna get obsessive or anything. You're pretty cool as just a friend, and I'm just glad I get to be your friend. This isn't that situation that I always seem to find myself in, where I get so sad that we can't be. In fact, I've found that I have zero feelings for you at all. Which is strange. You're just my type LOL Anyways, it's nice that we're friends. I hope this continues.

#6 I hate that I can't tell you about the big things that happen in my life because every time I do at all, it becomes a big lecture. And I always end up feeling like shit/guilty/dumb/useless.

#7 Kinda sad you didn't come to my birthday. It just makes the night feel slightly incomplete that I didn't get to see you.

This post will be continued. I'm not gonna make anymore Dear You's, but I will talk more about my life, continue the life update. Bye, guys, thanks for reading. Stay tuned. I'll try not to leave a 25 day gap again. At least not for the coming post lol BYE!