Maps, Part III

Written: 28th of April, 2014

I am very relaxed today. Today was good. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But, we all know that this is a dumb sort of flux. Soon enough, I'll be anything but okay again. But until then, I'll just sit here and blog. Sit here and blog. Sit here and blog.

Cigarettes

Recently, I bought a pack of twenty five cigarettes. I'm not exactly sure as to why I bought more. The plan from the first pack was that at parties, and only on occasion, I'd smoke only twenty cigarettes in one year. I brought that small pack of Sky Blue to clubs and whatnot, and I'd share them and smoke them, and it would be nice. The sensation and the aesthetic that came with them were my favourite thing. I enjoyed them. The beach house was the start of it. I didn't smoke my first cigarette there but it was the beginning. I smoked on the balcony with my friend on the first day. I was very sad at the beach house because it was somewhat the start of me realising that my life was going nowhere. So in broad daylight, in sight of everyone at the beach house, I smoked. It felt nice. But then, later that night, after I cried in a (literal) closet, I went out to the balcony while everybody was drinking and partying, I dragged one of the big chairs out to the side of the balcony. In a very dark corner, away from the clear balcony doors, I sat and smoked. The stars were out. I clutched onto the ash tray and thought about anything but my life. It was nice. But my other friend came out and saw me and I felt so ashamed. That was it for a while. Then, one day, when uni was back and I wasn't a student, after my parents left the house and I was home alone, I grabbed one cigarette and lit it using the kitchen stove. I smoked it in the backyard, ashed it down the drain and continued staring at the sky. It was that beautiful blue with perfectly white clouds. It was nice. After that, I never saw that pack again. I thought I left it where I always do but it just wasn't there. I gave up looking for it and went to work, where I kept on getting hits from this strange paranoia. I brushed my teeth like crazy before work but every now and then I could smell it and I kept feeling so ashamed. Anyways, I never saw that pack again. It just disappeared. Maybe it's still in my room. maybe my parents found it and threw it away. Either way, it's gone.

A few weeks after, I went to uni for absolutely no reason. By this time, everybody knew that I wasn't studying anymore and when I walked into uni, everything was so different. What was I doing there? I just wanted to see my friends again, but when I got there they were too busy for me. So after everyone left, I went back to the city, bought a new pack and a lighter. I didn't smoke a single cigarette that day. I got lost in the city and when I found myself at the harbour, I didn't want to do it. Nobody else was smoking alone, so I went home.

Some time after that, I went to the city after my friends had uni so we could have a fun night out. I brought my cigarettes and kept them hidden in my hat the whole time - keeping my hat so close to me, I was so protective of it. Eventually, because I'm not very good at hiding things, they saw the smokes. After we drank a tiny bit, we went to the alley way to smoke. And after that, instead of going home, we smoked a bit more at the harbour. That was nice too. Most of the time, my friends just talked about girls and it was nice being included in that kind of conversation.It was somewhat accepting.

After that, my cigarettes disappeared on my birthday. I didn't lose them again but rather, my friends and I smoked it all up on the balcony. That was fun.

Anyways, I bought another pack the other day. I decided that because I was "trying something different", I should also smoke to trigger its full potential hahaha. That was dumb. I opened it and didn't smoke any of it. I just stared at it. This one time at the beach, I smoked for absolutely no reason. I didn't feel any need to, it was just conveniently there. And after one puff, I felt terrible. Maybe because they were really cheap cigarettes that tasted like plastic. Maybe because I had grown out of it.

I don't actually know why I'm writing about this in particular. I guess it's because this series is a life update, and recently, my life has been shrouded in smoke. I mean, if you were to write about my life, a significant thing that would pop up would be cigarettes.

And then there's the reason I smoke at all. I understand the health effects but probably not to the fullest because haha, I do smoke. If you were to ask me after the 28th of September, 2013 (the first time I smoked), I would have said because it made me feel cool. And it did. It really did. I felt like such a rockstar and the head spins felt so nice. And if you continued asking me, I would've said the same thing up until the beach house.

My life, if you didn't know, can be very easily influenced through the movies and tv shows I watch. And one thing I seemed to pick up on was the fact that only the sad or the troubled smoked cigarettes. Nobody happy or in a good place ever smoked. Maybe because nobody wanted to send the message that it was okay to. Either way, whenever I was really sad, I always needed to light one up. It was sort of a dramatic way of showing I was incredibly sad. Smoking became a relief.

But if you were to ask me now, I'd be sort of... speechless. I don't know why. I've stopped recently. Every time a convenient time to smoke comes up, I just don't. I don't feel the need to anymore. I'm not actually sure what that means. It should be a good thing, but it doesn't feel like a good thing. I still hate so many things. I'm still sad and stressed over the nothingness that is my life. And don't ever give me any snarky comments about how I shouldn't be stressed because I don't have any exams or shit like that. I hate it. Don't ever.

I'm still so sad. But I'm getting better at it.

What the fuck do I do now?

Okay, end of that chat. Not the end of the series though. Maps will return soon enough. And when it comes, it shall end. Anyways, enjoy some photos of me and Jess @ Kurnell.

Who dat chick?

Look, it's my Facebook profile picture. Like it if you haven't already, and if you're still not going to then what are you even doing here? Get out. Just leave. Right. Now.

I can see the orange light, I can see it in your eyes.

G.

G with nicer scenery.

It look like papa-paparazzi took this photo because I'm super cool enough, ask anybody.

Fly, Jessie, be free and one with the wind. Get the fuck outta here and fly! :')

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock.
Do I let her sleep or should I wake her up?
You said,
We both go together if one falls down.
Yeah, right, heh.
I talk out loud like you're still around,
Oh, no!