Smart

You've been waiting.
You've been living, acting,
Waking up, eating, sleeping,
As regular as always -
But, you've been waiting whilst doing so.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that
Productivity,
Is equivalent to or an indication of,
Moving on.

You're still waiting for a beautiful boy to find you, amidst the boring struggles of your daily life. You used to be used to the train rides from here to there and you accepted that empty spaces were part of life but now you can't stand the smell of the rubber seats melting in the heat of a Sydney Summer.

You're still waiting for that day when the little pleasures in life such as baking soufles and letting water rush off your face doesn't make you anxious because you feel like the tiny drops of water that fall straight from the shower head to the drain.

You're still waiting for a feeling of accomplishment. You haven't achieved anything "worth mentioning" in years. You grew up with people thinking you were smart because you wore glasses but then everybody started wearing glasses, or they changed to contacts and astigmatisms in your eyes meant nothing. You grew up with smart people looking at you as if you were them. You were polite and quiet and you did supposedly "smart" subjects, but you grew older and before you knew it, you were like them. You were the same age as they were. And you continued to be polite and quiet but you weren't smart. You were never smart. You just had smart friends. And you leeched off their intelligence and believed that your own hard work got you where you are now. But even now, you're not smart. You can't even cope with the consequences of your leeching, and you become more of a disappointment then you would have ever felt if you grew up looking and being stupid.

You're still waiting for a fleeting moment of pure ecstasy. It doesn't have to last any longer than a second. But in that second, you want it to sear through your veins and relieve you of every problem that itches at the back of your head. You want, for just one second, to be free of your failures. You want to be free of the wrong choices you made and the way you let yourself down. You let yourself down. You used to only let other people down and that was okay because they didn't know a single thing about you. But it's different now. And you've never realised how unforgiving you really are.

You keep falling in love with everybody who gives you attention - you keep falling in love for the ones you can't have - you keep falling in love every changing second - you're like the wind but not the kind that wisps around cheerfully and gracefully - you're the wind, sharp as a knife - no jackets tonight - you're going the wrong way.

But boy troubles are just distractions from the real problems in your life. And here you are again, back at square one.