Warmth: Maps, Part IV

Why did I make a series called Maps? Especially since each segment is essentially like all my other blog posts? Because I love making series LOL It makes me feel fancy and it's like an art project. Maybe this is my tiny effort to get a little structure back in my life.

Anyways, this is the last installment of the Maps series. The Maps series is my way of blogging about my current situation. It's all about being lost and finding a way. I want to say, I really do, that I can finish this series as if I did find my way but not all good things last and not all lasting things are good. All I see is lines upon lines, cities and towns - coastal lines, brown and blue, train tracks and lakes. And these lines can't tell me where to go. I'm just a confused kid staring at that big book of maps that his dad always left by the front seat. All I see is lines upon lines, come together, intersecting, overlapping. To put it simply, I'm lost.

Where do I fit? Where do I go from here? Where is 'here'?

I thought about my life as if I had continued with engineering. I imagined what it would have been like if I was good at it. I'd be so proud of myself but I know - I just know - I'd still be lost. that's the thing about engineering for me. I could always say "buckle down, William. Do the work. Sit down and just fucking do it." And maybe I could. If I just focused and tried harder then maybe I could've become a biomedical engineer. But I know now (and this is why I know engineering was just not for me) and I've always known, I would've never been happy.

And then we came to teaching. I'm unsure about teaching. I thought about picking up education. Really, the only reason I thought about education was because it was the only university course that I would have been content with. And there's that word again. "Content". I remember back in the post-hsc period, I kept blogging about how I just cruised during the exam period and I did pretty well for myself. Welp, it has become very apparent that I can't do that anymore. Floating. That's another word I have some sort of odd attachment to. I wanted to live life easy and slowly, savoring each moment.

I don't quite know what I'm doing anymore. I think I'm sinking.

And here we are again, using tacky ocean metaphors to explain what it is to be me - and yet, I'm not drowning, not yet. I'm not a sufferer yet because my life is easy. I've got everything at my fingertips. I'm just lazy. I always have been, I'm a flawed being. I'm selfish, self-centred, self-obsessed. I'm a jealous fool. I crave attention and live my life as if I'm constantly being watched and judged. As if someone like me were watching and laughing. And I'll list all my flaws but I won't do a single thing to change anything at all.

I lost my first kiss the other day. It wasn't romantic or actually anything like I'd thought it would be. I didn't know the guy at all. I even got his name wrong and he got my name wrong. He thought my name was Timothy, lol. Growing up in CVHS, I always thought I'd kiss someone shorter than me. All the boys I ever liked (apart from Lexy Bui, although that was brief, and really, actually nothing at all - btw, new name for him because it sounds like sexy boy and that's what he is) were shorter than me, so I thought I'd always be leaning or facing downwards. My first kiss was sitting down and there was a lot of tongue and groping. I was pretty tipsy and I liked the way his stubble felt against my lips and the way he looked at me. Then we moved to the dance floor with his boyfriend (don't judge, don't judge, don't judge) and I made out with him there and lord, I was on the tip of my toes. It was hard trying to focus on the mouth action whilst balancing on my toes. I made out with his boyfriend for a second too but I wasn't at all interested in him. And I guess what I did was sorta sleazy but I wouldn't ever change it. Not for one second would I change what happened. It made my night. And so that, my readers, was the story of my first kiss.

Moving on from that - recently I was dreaming of escape... to Germany or France haha It all stemmed from those Stromae music videos and I just- I wanted to be artistic and I wanted to make films all the time and make friends with artsy people and direct and make art and ughhhhhh.

But now, I'm veering away from all that. I'm slowly getting my head out of the clouds and it's such an absolutely depressing notion.

Wow, okay, I don't actually know what to feel anymore, haha. Am I lost? Am I just standing in one spot as life passes by so incredibly quickly?

Who knows? I sure don't.

What am I doing?

I'm not sad. I'm just a little confused.

Cue photos:

[22/04/2014]