I feel very isolated right now.
I'm not sure where or how I fit into the world, the one that's currently on fire. Is that a good thing?
I'm still completely heartbroken and a little bit in love - it's a really terrible combination, and even sadder, it's one that I'm really familiar with.
It helps and it doesn't help to reflect on how I'm not alone in this feeling. Actually, after writing this sentence, it doesn't help at all. I am thankful that my situation doesn't feel completely inescapable - but I've been having a lot of bad mental health days lately, and there have been a lot of inescapable feelings.
The last that I spoke to Jorge was when his baby was just born, and he said that he would call when he had more energy. It's been a long time now, and I don't really know how to proceed, or move on.
In truth, he's the only man who showed that he could mutually love me. It was the first time I actually felt what love could feel like. I'm sad, and I feel betrayed that the feeling was so short-lived.
I think I shouldn't feel so doomed, but I feel so doomed.
I want to talk to him again and I want him to understand - I don't know what - I guess where I'm coming from; simply put. But I also think about how he told me he was happy. And I don't want to disrupt that, because I think I still genuinely love him. Or just this image of him, this imprint.
I feel so cheated, that this inferior feeling of being unloved, and therefore unlovable, therefor worthless - this standard that existed around me, is a little bit true. I feel like I'm watching the people around me grow from their relationships. I wish I had someone I could be truly vulnerable with and unjudged by.
It's just getting to a point where I feel like I can't gather the energy to keep myself up anymore. But I have to.
I wish I had a stronger foundation - one that didn't stand on this hope for love.
I've been told recently that I'm my own worst critic - and this I know. I am very self-critical, deep down. I'm noticing that there are really things I believe about myself, that come from a very deep place - things I would never say to someone I love, and so I'm trying to work on those things first.
And yet, simultaneously, everything feels so pointless. A new headline that feels like it can't and shouldn't be true comes by, another video full of darkness, another video that you thought was real but wasn't.
It's been a very sunny weekend in Berlin - it's apparently the last for the Summer, or so I've been told.
I wish I was outside, enjoying it with friends, but I can't seem to find people for that.
I'm ghosting a couple of my own friends, actually. So I do feel bad for complaining about this.
I just feel rotten.
I need to clean my room.
