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Part Six: I’ll Find
You
My mind
was set like sediment. I was going to find him. I thought long and hard about
how I was going to live my frail/fragile life and amongst all the slow-motion
and the rays of daylight spread out and shining like lines on blueprint, I
found that the sun was forgiving only when it did not show – in the depths of
foliage, my mind and the ocean.
I found
myself floating in idle sheets, that night, completely and utterly awake under
the flow of orange streetlights and the hush of stale nothingness in empty
halls. I had never been so nervous about falling asleep before. Was I going to
see him? Would he tell me where to find him? I shut my eyes and I shut out the
whole world as well. I emptied my mind and let go of my body.
It was
sudden.
I could
open my eyes again but I was veiled by a light haze. I could move my eyes but
the rest of my body was absolutely motionless. I was stuck still and my breath
had become so incredibly heavy. I started to panic. This was so completely new
to me and it felt so uncomfortable and I wanted to move but I couldn’t. I was
helpless and I was alone and I was afraid.
And yet
again, it was so sudden.
My
heart slowed and I could… I could feel him. I began to relax. I felt this
warmth right beside me. I couldn’t turn
my head to see, but I knew exactly who it was lying beside me. I was here
again.
He
asked me how I was. I said I was lost initially but that I had felt better. I
told him how unsure I was about my life and everything that had led up to this
moment – the slow rise and the heavy fall. I told him that I needed to find him
and stick to him like glue on home-made wings. He asked me if I was absolutely
sure and I replied that I had never been so sure of anything in my life. What
scared me the most was that that was so depressingly true. He said that I
already knew exactly how to find him. He kissed me on the cheek, softly and
lightly, and left.
And one
last time, it was sudden.
I was
released from whatever deep spell I was in. My muscles relaxed furthermore and
I was washed anew with the knowledge of how to find the boy who held my hand in
the depths. And in that heavenly moment, my life had purpose and intent and
direction and it was real. I was
going to find him.
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