S/O

Hi,







Just wanted to give a shout-out to this youtuber that I follow because I love him. I love how he kisses the camera at the end of all his happy hours. I love his personality and his open-mindedness/positivity. LOVE IT, LOVE HIM. Bye, that's all.

Astro-naturelle

This is just a little something something I wrote in a café at parra in a time span of about an hour (first half of the hour was just crossing out a lot of story ideas for my portfolio and the rest was me bludging and writing this shit lol). I was waiting for Will so we could watch a movie and I was like, mad as bro, I'm alone sippin' coffee in front a of a writing pad and a pen. This is the life, brah. It's titled "Astro-naturelle".

Like anyone else, growing up I found that life only became harder with each staggering breath. I found that no matter how difficult things had gotten, there was always something bigger and tougher just behind it. But we're allowed to grow. We're pushed to grow the right way - up the wall, not sideways. We're taught the importance of success and basic modern world survival skills, if we're lucky.

Astro-naturelle: I always had a strong connection to my imagination and my imagination always had a strong connection to my happiness. After I graduated high-school, it became a strange flux between friends, nature, stress and reality. I found solace in my friends. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for every single one of them. I got lost in nature. I dipped my feet in unclear water and waded through fog. I stood above gorgeous valleys and I ran into waves which in return, ran into me. I found myself weighed down by burdens I wasn't prepared for. I was taught how to survive by being a man with a degree but nobody ever taught me how to be a boy without. Nobody told me what to do when I couldn't pull through, when I ached for different things. Nobody told me what to do when there was nobody to tell me what to do.

It'll always be, "Buckle down and do what you have to for your own sake. You were warned, this is the real world.
The real world.
The real world."

What a cruel world.
Still, life could've been crueler. I'm thankful that it wasn't and isn't. The real world - how mysterious it all is - hiding in plain sight. I was surrounded by reality but I deluded myself. I hid within my own mind and here I stand... Unready.

Astro-naturelle: I am alone in this café. I miss the taste of Singaporean cigarettes. I'll never miss the taste of those that were fifty percent tobacco and fifty percent a blend of both shame and guilt, but I will undoubtedly meet them again. They mark the troughs of my life. 2014 is coming to a close and I still wonder how being loved back would feel like. How depressing. But T.V. and film taught me how to deal with that. Patience is a virtue and waiting is a penance. But I will wait. There are larger things I should worry about. Lately, I've been telling myself and others that I've been working towards something big, something life-changing (for me, at least). I was excited about it when I first came across it once again - my ambition. Hope. Hope became something nostalgic. People - don't ask me who - say that nostalgia is a dangerous thing. It makes people long for things that are stuck in the past. It makes you yearn for things long gone. Is my hope long gone? Or is my nostalgia counterfeit?

Astro-naturelle: I was in love with outer space. I found the notion of expansive nothingness bewildering. Perhaps I wanted to belong with it. Perhaps I already did. I remember I always wanted to become a star. I compared a bright future to that of a spectre of the night sky. I wanted to become beautiful and to become a marvel - something that left people like my younger self in awe. How can something so unattached to anything and everything shine so bright and inspire so much? "Spark like empty lighters."* I love that lyric.

Astro-naturelle: I want to drink tonight. I want to make love tonight, relive remnants of past lives and taste what was. But I really don't. What a strange feeling to hold onto. Is it caused by hormones mixed with confusion or social standards countered by unwillingness to feel anything? Am I controlled by my body or the bodies of others? I really like this current other feeling though. Writing my soul somewhat bare. Taking off my normal-people skin and revealing my inner layer. It's just like everybody else's actually. We're all the same, you and I and the rest of the world. We hurt and we get hurt. We crave, we cry and we fight. We're alone in our minds. We're layers of normality, both compressed and expanded until we are oceans of it. And in that, in our waves of normalcy, we become our own seas.

Astro-naturelle: I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Astro-naturelle: I honestly don't know what to do from here on out. I have an idea of what I want to do but what I want to do has this uncanny familiarity to childhood imagination. I tell myself I'm growing up and that I'm learning new things every single day but my life is a repeat and I feel like a fraud. And it all comes so... Naturally.

Astro-naturelle: Everything must come to an end.

*Numb, Marina and the Diamonds.

Bye, thanks for reading!

Good Life

Scenery does something to me. It makes me feel. Whenever I scroll through tumblr and I come across a beautiful picture of a beautiful place, it hits me. I feel this sudden thump in my mind and in my chest. My stomach tenses up for a second and I'm reminded of good life. I think it's because I associate a beautiful scene with perfection. I love travelling with Kik because we always come across such gorgeous places and these places can be so awe-inspiring. And it's always within these places, staring at stars, waves crashing against blue skies and clouds white as ever, that I feel as if I'm exactly where I need to be. Weights are lifted and I'm surrounded by pure happiness in the form of nature. I love this feeling because it's an inkling of what I feel when I see beauty. I hope I can achieve this feeling when I look at another human being, and I hope I feel like I do within nature when I'm with someone who loves me - stunned and in awe. I wonder how this became related to love, hey.

One of said tumblr pictures: "Waterscape" by mateuszpisarski

Bye.

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In other news, my 1 second everyday video is up on youtube! I posted it on fb so you've prolly already seen it or come across it but if you missed it, here it is:

Au revoir.

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Hey, more stuff to talk about:

You know what was great? My last Thursday and my last Friday.

Last Thursday, VSA USyd had $3 Thai Lunch [THREE DOLLARS!!!! FOR A WHOLE DISH BRO] so that was great. I was in charge of leading people from USyd to Thai La Ong at Newtown and only one guy showed up lol His name was Hoa Hua, he's a cool guy from Queensland. I also met up with Will Hong so that was nice. They got along. Then we met Bao along the way and had lunch, yum. And then I went back to USyd where Bao did his assignment and I did some work on me portfolio. Anyways, wrote barely anything and Bao left me all on my lonesome so he could work with his engo mates so I was like damn. So, I messaged Kik on Whatsapp to see if anybody wanted to hang and Maria and Jess responded and we met up at central, yay. I also bought a crappy but cute Daiso brolly and I went into a nice clothing store but everything was PRICEY. Anyways, we went to this bar/food place right next to central station called Brooklyn Social which was a hip place and essentially The Soda Factory but without the ice-cream floats. Food was okay but we bought too much. We smoked in the outside area and that was nice. There was a couch, the ceiling was covered in cool quotes and we left the ashtray on a stool next to our drinks, it was great, we talked. Then we went to Chinatown to get emperor puffs, a little tipsy (Jess was tipsiest). Oh, and on the way there, we went into a Thai grocery store, the one next to Capitol Theatre/the post office there, you may know it. Anyways. I love Asian snacks, so cheap and delish. The emperor puffs were delish and Maria got me this milk tea in a box and it was gooood and cheap! Then we stopped by Morning Glory and I love going into Morning Glory at Chinatown man. Like, I specifically like the Chinatown one because it's bigger and for some reason, the people working there seem a lot less bitchy LOL Maria sold one of her spare milk tea boxes to the Jap girl who worked there. She was adorable LOL Then we headed off home. I think I really enjoyed that night because I hadn't hung out with maria without andrew there in a while. Also, Jess was red great as always LOL So it was a nice trio.

Then there was FREITAG. In the morning, I Whatsapped Will Hong to ask if he wanted to come to the charity dinner that was on that night haha and he was hesitant but upon hearing that it was formal-wear and after making a deal with Bao and me to shout half of his ticket if he drove us, he agreed to come! I love that about Will, how WILLing he is to go out and have fun. Short story, a couple of days after first meeting Will at one of Vic's house parties, Bao and I were like, let's ask Will Hong to hang with us, he's a cool guy. Both agreeing that Will was cool, we proceeded to ask Vic for his number and so I texted him: "Hello William Hong, this is William Trab. I am calling to enquire [oops, meant to write inquire] as to where you are right now. Do you remember me and bao? Bao and I are alone and need a third party to relieve the tension between us. Would you like to join, William Hong? [...] Or messaging, rather" And lo and behold, he came all the way from Granville and we tried to get into The Soda Factory to eat but they wouldn't let us in because we had shorts and they were having an event. Anyways, we ended up going to a food court in Chinatown and then karaoke-ing. And since then, Will, Bao and I have been pretty close and we might be going to VN together. ANYWAYS, to the charity dinner, I decided to go with my white Topman dress shirt, my black Doctor Denim jeans, my brown Topman criss-cross belt, my teal (but navy in some lights) RDX blazer from my yr 12 formal and my white pockadots on black Dangerfield bow-tie from my yr 10 formal. At first, I wasn't very excited about my outfit because I didn't buy anything new, it was just something I threw together. In fact, I think I was unexcited because Nini wasn't coming and I had never gone without Nini before. Anyways, before I left for the thing, I noticed my jacket sleeves were too long and my shirt sleeves didn't poke out. And just like that, I had this genius idea where I pushed my jacket sleeves up to my elbow and then I rolled up my shirt sleeves and on the last roll, I rolled my shirt OVER my jacket sleeve to keep it in place since it was tight enough. I'm sure it's been done a quadrillion times before but that just MADE MY NIGHT, FOR REAL. I WAS SO HAPPY AND PROUD, BRAH. I looked good in semi-casual and Will said I looked a bit like James Dean and I was like, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Anyways, I think because of the increase of VSA youths in this dinner, I had a lot more fun. It was the most fun I had at these dinners actually and it ended up being a much better night than I thought it would be. I like smoking with Bao and Will, I feel cool [the exact reason I took up smoking after drinking. I know it sounds dumb but I like that that's my reason because it's 1, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000 times better than the alternative reason which is pure, unadulterated sadness.] After the night was done, with Will, Bill Chen and Bao, I went to the Canley Bistro for a few more smokes and we finished the pack. That was disappointing until Jess, Collin and Hellen [who were also drinking that night, oh! I also drank that night because the dinner was BYO and people gave me drinks, yum.] were driven to the bistro and we were provided with more smokes, yay [WOW, DAMN, WHO WOULDA THUNK THAT I'D BE SO EXCITED BY FREAKIN' CIGARETTES] and I caught up with Hellbelle. That was great because I got to make fun of her and she said she missed me and that was a nice thing to hear. Also, just a shout out to Bill for laughing at all my jokes <3 Then Will and I had fun on Collin's phone talking to alright guys in the area on Grindr and swiping right on pretty girls on Tinder. Then SOMEBODY chundered and when were leaving, that SOMEONE pranced out of the bistro swinging around a plastic bag of his own vomit lol Then Will drove me home and I went to bed with a splitting headache + a belly full of potato chips and coconut water, YUMMMMMMMMM. 

I really enjoyed those nights. Those were fun nights. That's all, BYEEEEEEEEEE. U know what, while I'm at it, I'll recap today as well, hey hey.

Went to uni, arrived at 4:40. Chilled with Vic, Bao and Thomas Stewart. Left for the law library a bit before six to go to a meeting with other South East Asian societies. Fun-ish meeting, Thai and Filo representatives were cute. I was a bit :( because Nini wouldn't go eat with me but then she decided to because she was super hungry so we took a bus to Town Hall and tried to pull out money but she didn't have any because her money wasn't sent through lol and I was broke so we had a cheap loose change menu feast at Maccas. Then we went across the street to Starbucks AKA Nini's workplace. I checked my bank account to see if my money had come in because I was flaaaat broke and I thought it hadn't come in but it diddddd and I had money again! Ended up getting free coffee because Nini tho LOL I worked on my AFTRS portfolio and Nini did her readings, that was a nice moment. I rewrote my draft short story, it's an okay story. It's eh at most, I wonder if it'll change. I'll post it here once I'm confident enough :) Anyways, later on, Bao, Vic, Bill and their friend Brian Nguyen came into Starbucks, tipsy from Soju after Vanessa Lin's birthday dinner. They were fun to see haha. They spent the whole time watching Brian do calligraphy and scribbling on my Phthisis of the Apple sheets. Then the Bankstown line people left and Bao, Nini and I chilled some more at Starbucks. That was fun. Then Bao and I saw Nini off at her bus stop and we went back and he offered me a cigarette and I know, I wasn't drinking that night, but I like smoking with my boys, I do :/ And we talked and I said I was happy and he was happy for me and so I was happier. It was nice. We went home and here we are now. Alright, now this blog post is done. GOOD. BYE. Thanks for reading, guys, I appreciate it a lot This blog also makes me happy haha

If things had gone the way I planned

If they had, I would've walked right past you and laughed to myself. You would've looked at me, recognised me and smirked. And then we'd go on with our days.

If things went right, I would've seen you across the way and when you looked straight at me, I would've stayed put. I would've tilted my head just a little, and I'd put up hand, fingers slightly curled, to indicate a wave. You would've smiled and waved back, and I'd smile in response. Then I'd turn and walk away with Will and I would've said to him, "I lost my virginity to that guy." I would've been chipper and Will would have laughed.

If things had gone the way I wanted, I wouldn't be so "I'm cool, but I'm not really". I say that letting go is the best thing someone can do when in trouble. But I can't seem to shrug the fact that everything was so... short-lived. That everything ended with a hug. And that that was it. Hm. I don't know how I didn't see this coming. I mean, I did. But I thought I could handle it. I guess not as much as I had planned, hey.

Bye.

EDIT: Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the act. I'm happy with how that turned out. Just unhappy with myself and the aftermath.

edit-edit: So APPARENTLY, that's what a one night stand is. I sure do feel a lot like Sam Smith rn lolololol

A Short Attempt At Intellectuality Through Making Eh Words Sound Smart By Turning Them Into Nouns That Are Longer Than They Need To Be, by William Tran

AKA: MY SORTA REVIEW OF "The Tree Of Life", Terrence Malick

The Tree of Life was... interesting. It was strange. It's a film about a dude thinking back to the days when he was raised in the fifties with a somewhat problematic father-figure/father. Here's the trailer?



Didn't get it? Neither did I. Anyways, it's pretty whack. And, depending on what mindset you get into before you watch the movie, you're either gonna love it or hate it. If you read the youtube comments, you'll see a lot of people who came into it thinking it would make sense and be wholesome, at least plotwise. They're a bit cynical, I must say, but in saying that, I don't want to give the impression that I think that means their opinions are invalid or dumb. Because really, you can bring up a lot of good points as to why this movie is not the best. Such are:

• Where da plotline, baby?
• wtf is going on
• why is sean penn there, who is he, why is he in the future, isn't this set in the 50's?
• *reads synopsis on imdb* ohhh sean penn is future version of kid, got it, wtf
• where did these dinosaurs come from? Why are we in pre-history?
• "However .... the blatant pseudo-intellectual symbolism that this movie shovels down the viewers throats made it a pain to watch. At least for me. I never like it, when symbolism is meant not to elevate or add depth to but to pretty much replace a storyline. The result is meant to be a pompous, spiritual orgasm .... but it is shallow as hell and drowns in it's own pathos. It just doesn't work for me because I always feel as if the movie wants to spoon-feed to me how !oh-so-incredibly-deep! it is. And that is just cheap and not deep at all." - MightyJabroni, youtube-commentator

Basically, it's like those short films that artsy people make where it's seemingly the most random clips strewn together with ambiguity and FLARE. Except, this one goes on for two days hours. And yeah, basically no plot. BASICALLY (sayin dat a lot, soz), it's a family growing up spliced with a shit load of scenery and imagery and symbolism and meaning. And even with the complication named daddy issues brought on by Brad Pitt, (spoiler? Idk, just read it lol) there is no real resolution. In fact, the resolutions more like something that was always there. UNLESS, the resolution was sean penn on the beach finding closure in his memories, looking back at his family, with his family on that white, white beach, cleansed with salvation?

ANYWAYS, so you can go in two ways, two mindsets - if you want to enjoy this film:

1. Patience is a virtue. Be patient with the film, you ain't in a rush.
2. Prepare your body, this film is visually fantastic. Embrace everything, every leaf, every ray of light. Envelope yourself in Terrence Malick's art style and let him make love to your eyes and ears.
3. Don't expect anything. Which, I guess you've sorta ruined by reading this review (GOOD JOB, M8). But like, even after reading this, I don't really know what you're supposed to expect. I mean, I'm telling you to expect the unexpected but at the same time, the film is exactly how it sounds, it's a family growing up. IDK, BRUH.

Essentially, this film is a cinematographic masterpiece, imo. You've probably heard me say this before, but if you were to gif any part of this film, it would be art/a tumblr post with lots of notes. It's absolutely beautiful, I recommend just watching it for this aspect alone. Do it. The film happened to be home to one of my absolute favourite gifs on tumblr.com, which was what prompted me to it in the first place. Here, I'll link: shameless promotion of side blog also. 

That's pretty much all I had to say about the movie. I recommend it. Thanks for reading.

Moving on, I wish I cried at the sight of beautiful things. And I don't mean just anything beautiful, that's too much. I want to cry at videos LOL I wanna cry at sad films, I want to cry at gorgeous scenery. I wanna be in gorgeous scenery and CRY. I wanna cry because of love, immersed in love, about love. 

I watched this music video and I wanted to cry at it haha Watch it strictly for the scenery and you'll love it (@collin, jess, anybody else who likes scenery, idk)

Okay, that's it, I'm done with this post. Thanks for reading, y'all.

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.

I shall release the rest of the phthisis story part by part. If you haven't read, click here. Enjoy:

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Part Six: I’ll Find You

                My mind was set like sediment. I was going to find him. I thought long and hard about how I was going to live my frail/fragile life and amongst all the slow-motion and the rays of daylight spread out and shining like lines on blueprint, I found that the sun was forgiving only when it did not show – in the depths of foliage, my mind and the ocean.

                I found myself floating in idle sheets, that night, completely and utterly awake under the flow of orange streetlights and the hush of stale nothingness in empty halls. I had never been so nervous about falling asleep before. Was I going to see him? Would he tell me where to find him? I shut my eyes and I shut out the whole world as well. I emptied my mind and let go of my body.

                It was sudden.

                I could open my eyes again but I was veiled by a light haze. I could move my eyes but the rest of my body was absolutely motionless. I was stuck still and my breath had become so incredibly heavy. I started to panic. This was so completely new to me and it felt so uncomfortable and I wanted to move but I couldn’t. I was helpless and I was alone and I was afraid.

                And yet again, it was so sudden.

                My heart slowed and I could… I could feel him. I began to relax. I felt this warmth right beside me.  I couldn’t turn my head to see, but I knew exactly who it was lying beside me. I was here again.

                He asked me how I was. I said I was lost initially but that I had felt better. I told him how unsure I was about my life and everything that had led up to this moment – the slow rise and the heavy fall. I told him that I needed to find him and stick to him like glue on home-made wings. He asked me if I was absolutely sure and I replied that I had never been so sure of anything in my life. What scared me the most was that that was so depressingly true. He said that I already knew exactly how to find him. He kissed me on the cheek, softly and lightly, and left.

                And one last time, it was sudden.

                I was released from whatever deep spell I was in. My muscles relaxed furthermore and I was washed anew with the knowledge of how to find the boy who held my hand in the depths. And in that heavenly moment, my life had purpose and intent and direction and it was real. I was going to find him.

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Bye.

Delusional

I went to uni today thinking I could delude myself into thinking that my life was actually going somewhere. Maybe this feeling is just a bit of angst but my mind was absolutely useless today! I couldn't get a single piece of good writing out today. I'm on the train right now and I'm sad again. What a downer.

I'm sad pretty much because I was so excited to get some work done, to have purpose or something productive to do but I haven't made it into any schools yet. I'm just writing and I have writer's block so what the hell am I supposed to do now? Of course, I know this is temporary and I'm not going to give up just yet but right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm just deluding myself and avoiding the fact that I'm still a loser. I'm still a loser. I hope I make it in. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. End blog post. Auf wiedersehen.

Nervös

So I'm writing with a sorta real-world purpose now, right? And I had this incomplete short story that I was going to deem my "best work" because over time, my writing got better and 'The Phthisis of the Apple' was the most recent piece I was working on. But I'm reading it now and the only thing that's going over my head right now is "Is this piece my best piece?" "Is this all I have to offer?" Because right now it seems like it's a bit outdated. As if I've reached a higher level. And maybe it's because I started it so long ago. I could always rewrite it now but it doesn't seem like it will result in anything worth applying to AFTRS with. I'm gonna send it to people. Get them to read it (lol, you guys know who you are). I wish Mr Mackenzie still went to CVHS. I want him to read my stuff.

*******************

It doesn't pack a hit. Maybe it could with a good twist, but right now - nothing. It's... boring. It's was designed to be aery fairy, to have some sort of whimsical feel to it. But it's BORING!!!! I need to make this interesting and fast. 

Or... I could start anew. I could write something out there and strange and absurd. Something like Gravity BUT MORE. But I remember thinking, "it's an arts school, everybody's gonna try to be weird and out there. Don't try too hard. Be yourself. Write like you would."

So I'm gonna continue with Phthisis. Haha, the panic is over. 

Anyways, I've decided to post what I have of my best work here, so everybody can read it. Please please please please please give feedback! Tell me if I should ditch it or go on!!!! I don't even know how I'm going to end it. But it would mean the world to me if you read it and critiqued it. Comment if you want to help me out a bit :)

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Prologue: Dust

There’s a bridge that connects Dorothy Point and Saint Fellers, although it’s pretty useless. Actually, I’m pretty sure the only reason why it’s even had contact with anything other than dust is for its solitude. There’s a quiet breeze that hovers over the bridge. If you listen closely, you can hear slight whispers, secrets travelled all the way from Norway. I never understand them and I only ever hear so many, but I should learn Norwegian. I’m very curious. Nothing really ever happens to raise this dust though; no cars, no gang wars or any wild encounters – only lonely people wisping unnoticed. They linger in and long for this place because it’s one to think. It’s a place for the judged to be relieved of shame and for the quiet to be quiet – to have quiet. I was only ever there once. And it was beautiful.  It’s a useless bridge, but from time to restless time, it was someone’s saviour. For me, the bridge was the centre of my universe, the singularity of my very being and the meeting place of all my ghosts. It was sanctuary.

THE PHTHISIS OF THE APPLE

Part One: The Rocking Train

                The ride is routine, mundane but so absolutely, and painfully, necessary. Every morning I ride to the city on these terribly rickety trains and I know. I know that such is life and we all go through the trivial to find something amazing – something worth living for. But every single morning I wake up dreading, and how, in any sense, could that be considered living?

It’s always two blocks after Bluevine, the beautiful purple face that’s painted on the back of an apartment building. The face wasn’t ever completed, but it was a perfect outline. It held the most mesmerising gaze, made with eyes that held onto nothingness and yet held everything surrounding them. Over time, a little hedge had overgrown in front of it, and the face became hidden. It shuddered away from onlookers like myself, but I can still see it and feel it. I will always see it and I will always feel it. I’ve never really found a name for her, just- things to call her. ‘The violet lady’ – a popular choice these past few weeks. The train can only zoom past her. She is only seen for two seconds, and yet it is in these seconds that we have the most wonderful conversations, travelled at light speeds – a million words exchanged in one breath.

“Does your hair flow behind the wall, Violet Lady?”

“Are you happy, Violet Lady?”

“Were you ever married, Violet Lady?”

“Will you ever come out, Violet Lady?”

She answers every time, every question, and her voice is so soft and yet it’s so unbelievably powerful. Her lips never move in the process and yet, I feel as if she’s the most clever and beautiful woman I’ve ever spoken to. But, when she answers, I sometimes don’t believe her. I never tell her this, but I can never believe that she’s truly happy. And I can’t understand how she can live to let her hair flow so voluptuously behind a brick wall, never seeing, only believing that it exists.

“Will you ever forgive me, Violet Lady?”

Help, I’ve gone insane. I speak to a piece of graffiti every morning and she helps me feel less alone.

The train’s rocking slowed and I braced myself for the slight push that came upon arrival. It’s a very heavy push – those unfamiliar would fall forward and their cheeks would become bright red. The doors had slid open and there, coming into view with direct sunlight was Blue Vine’s busy landscape. The people left and right of me who had been waiting anxiously to hurry off to wherever they were hurrying off to pushed and pushed and pushed into and through their lives. I never really pushed; I always let them carry me to work. But this time, I felt like a heavy column holding up a pier, pushed and yet not affected by the waves that crashed into me. I proceeded to hold onto the leather strap that hung above me and after the carriage had emptied, I stayed standing. My vision became empty and before I knew it, the doors were sliding back into place.

                I missed my stop.

The carriage seemed so much lighter, like the train was under much less stress and the rocking – the rocking had stopped. It didn’t make sense but it happened. I could have sworn the rocking stopped. The rocking train had no longer cradled my inhibitions and yet I felt so safe. I rode the train all the way to the end of the line that day, and then I rode it all the way back home.

Part Two: Which way is right?

I rode the rocking train down to Wynona Beach today. I missed the sun and the salt and the blue and tan that raided my senses. My thongs were hanging from my fingers as I waded through the shallow seas. The water kissed the bottom of my legs, just under where I had stopped rolling up my jeans. And under that, I could feel my toes sinking slowly, finding solace within the sand that had crept between them.

                I swear I’ve never been so frequently impulsive before. The most I had been before the train incident was back in high school when I truanted and got lost in the beautiful greenery that spread all the way along the river. I found myself chasing nymphs along the creek and they were so beautiful and they told me that if I was one with nature, I’d be just like them. So I buried myself in the bushes and leaves and sunk into the earth. And in the greenery, I met a boy who said he’d never met a single soul in his life. He told me I was pretty and that those nymphs didn’t know what beauty was if it ate them alive. He told me all his secrets, saying that he had to. He’d stored them up over so many years and he had to talk to somebody. So I told him mine and we laughed for ages. I had never felt so happy before and it was in the midst of our playing about that I was pulled from the leaves. A man in dull blue clothes dragged me home. The creek became so dark and lit by only torches of the adults I knew. I found my mother crying after I had a bath and then I wasn’t allowed to watch TV for a month after that. I did as I was told ever since. I guess it was in fear of seeing my mother cry again or never watching Danky Duck in the mornings.

                That day at the beach, I stared into the distant ocean ends and I had this odd yearning, deep in my stomach. I stepped forward towards the horizon and though the cuffs of my jeans were dampened I headed deeper into the seas. I waded, unsure of what I was doing or why I needed to. I had had dreams of Neptune finding my soul and telling me that I did well. I had dreamt of becoming the foam that rode up onto the seashores. I dreamed of being pulled down by the seaweed. I had dreams of finding Atlantis and being accepted as one with the ocean, but every single time I did, I woke up and I found myself drowning in bed sheets. So I walked as the tide climbed my hips, up to my waist, past my chest and until it took in my chin. I was merely part of a head peeking out of the blue. I closed my eyes and dreamed again. But this time I did not wake to be interrupted by the world. This time, I found myself in a deep spell. And when I opened my eyes, the sky had blackened and yet the water glowed. It glowed a light, neon blue and it lit up the sky, casting shadows on rainclouds. That day or night or whatever it was, gave sight to the most beautiful things I had ever seen. And like a dream come true, I was pulled down into the depths by an unknown force. Perhaps it was the seaweed. I lost the air in my lungs quickly – they ran away in their bubbles, away from me. I was being dragged viciously towards the centre of the Earth and when it had stopped and I was steadily floating in an almost empty ocean, I found myself in front of the boy from the bushes again. 

He gave me breath and told me I had grown so much. He said I smelled like salt and happiness and he touched my cheek. He slid his hand down the side of my face and told me I was beautiful. I was here again. I found my way back. He was just as mesmerising as the first time we met. I held onto him so tightly, and we talked about how our lives had been. I didn’t have much to share, but he had a whole world’s worth of stories of his adventures travelling through the silhouettes of city benches and walking bikini babes. I listened for aeons to the sweetness that felt like a cascade of blossoms would look or a warm bath in winter would feel. He had grown so much since we last met and I had a peculiar thought. I grabbed his hand and I pushed myself towards the surface. I could see the sun beam through the water and yet as I tried to rise towards it, I was yanked back into the depths until I found myself falling, as if off a chair, and into the hard, dry sand of Wynona. I choked out the last few cups of seawater. The boys in red and yellow told me I was alright, and that I shouldn’t have gone out so far. How far I had gone out, I still don’t know. All I know was that I met an old friend and I was so happy that day at the beach.

Part Three: We Are But Merely Human

                I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I dreamed of him often. But I don’t think I will again. I know how to find him, or, at least I think I do. But I will miss the times we had in my sleep. I remember this one time, when we stood at a hilltop in Taiwan. It was around midnight, but the lights of homes were still brightly lit. The lights were separated, shining like star signs and they added a tint of blue to the green of the land and the black of the dark. It was beautiful. We stood and we watched. I didn’t see his face in that dream but I knew it was him because who else could I just stand and watch and enjoy midnight Taiwan with other than him? I ask that question every day.

Part Four: Chronicles

                I'm so absolutely afraid of growing old. And so, because of this fear, I've divided my life choices into several outcomes and actions. I could either, 

a) Die young,

b) Face my fears or 

c) Achieve immortality

I've been striving for the third option but it's been proving itself to be quite impossible. I tried dying young once. It was terrifying. Ever since I've been rolling the same question in my head. Did I find it more terrifying than the idea of growing old? It rolls incessantly, and it will continue rolling until I die - whether it’ll be soon or later.

I feel like a will-o'-wisp, floating through life. I feel completely weightless, as if I have no effect on the earth at all, and the earth has no effect on me. I'm filled with absolute glee right now. This can only last so long.

Part Five: Lost

                I lost my job today. They told me my position in the company was no longer available. I would’ve fought. But I was never really a fighter. I wasn’t a lover either. I was just lost – all the time. But this time, the feeling was different. The area underneath my eyes swelled for a few seconds and if I had any notion of letting go, I would’ve broken down right then and right there. But instead, I sat across from my manager and avoided eye contact. That moment was one of the lowest points of my life. If you had been sitting where my manager was, you would’ve seen the look on my face. The look of bottled-up pain and neglect and tears and anger and tiredness, all choked back. I was a mess, zip locked and ready to shrivel and burst and shrivel and burst.

                My manager, not sure how to deal with the situation, pushed a small box of Kleenex towards my way. I looked at the box, then at a paperweight at the other end of the desk and then back at the box. And like spit and slobber rushing out of his mouth, a waterfall of insidious, repeated lies spewed onto my very sad life. All this talk about severance and the opportunities that await me. And then came the quotes, “When one door closes, another one opens.” And so, I clenched my fists and my teeth started grinding. For the first time in my life, I was angry. And it worried me and like an avalanche, I was piled under a vast array of emotions that went from fear of my emotions to fear of what I might do. And within that second, my manager was everything that was wrong to the world – my world. I looked straight into his eyes and pierced right through them. From rabbit-heart to that of a lion, I grew fierce. I was ready to pounce and-

“Are you okay?”

He finally asked me if I was okay. I let out a small, broken breath from the back of my throat and quickly sucked it back in. I settled down. I asked him if he needed anything else from me and then I left – so quietly and calmly. I never wanted to be that person again. I cried in the women’s room and cleaned myself up with toilet paper. And then I walked through the streets of Bluevine Central and got lost. 

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That's all I have so far. I was thinking of ending it almost sad but with closure? Maybe she realises that the boy is detrimental to the way she perceives the world? That everything that's happened to her in her life has been detrimental to that? I'm not sure yet haha I'm actually writing as I go without a real plan so we'll see.

Side note: I wrote the norwegian stuff long before I met Bao. I don't know why, I just feel like I had to clarify. It felt unique and hip at the time LOL

Anyways, please give me feedback so I know whether to continue with this or to start anew! Thanks! Au revoir.