Roll #5, Partytimes

Won't you come back.

my attempt at distracting myself from the FUCKING BLEACH in my hair and on my scalp

It is so damn itchy but every time I scratch, it burns, so I'm gonna type non stop to busy my hands. There's a boy I like and I think he likes me too and he's not incredibly pretty but he's cute and he's toned. He has a boyish charm that I like however, I'm faced with a few problems.

I'm not sure if I actually do like him, or that I just like him a lot more because he's shown interest in me. That worries me quite a lot actually. I love attention. And that branches out into affection I guess, hey?

I have actually been attracted to him before but that was back when he was going to the gym :( LOL ANYWAYS, going past looks, I'm not quite sure we are that compatible? He's very active and he likes physical activities and me, well not so much. Once he described his experience quad biking to me and at the time, I was astonished that he was actually having such an active conversation with me because we had barely spoken before. I was also very charmed by his boyishness. But like, we don't have a lot in common? But at the same time, I feel like I could tell him all my secrets in exchange for his.

The other thing is that he thinks I'm really cool lol He admires me for who I am, my makeup and stuff like that and it's nice. I don't do the things I do usually for people to admire me. I do it more for the self confidence and satisfaction. But it's nice when he thinks I'm cool and I think that goes back to my love for attention and affection and I guess now admiration.

I'd like to see where this goes, but my worries lie within a future that's barely starting. Can I like him forever? Is he the best looking guy I can get? And I know I sound super shallow but like what if I stop liking him but also find that nobody else will love me so I stay?

I'm taking this way too seriously for what this is but hey, it's on my mind and my scalp buuuuuuurns.

Sorry I didn't edit this after reading but thanks for sticking through it. Okay, washing it out now, bye, wish me luck.

Peace in Diversity aka The White Disease aka Coloured People Exist Too Contrary To Popular Belief

I have to be up in 5 hours but I can't sleep because I was an IDIOT who bought coffee at 3:30 in the AFTERNOON. Anyways, in this period of neck cramps, itchy tatt and can't sleep for shit, I started thinking about Game of Thrones and how unbelievably white it was. And so I continued to google 'Where are all the people of colour in Game of Thrones' and I found an article about George R.R. Martin's various responses to race in his novels. Basically, he was like yeah they exist in my fantasy world but the region I focused on was based on the British Isles. And okay, cool, Martin but ya wrote a fkn fantasy novel. I enjoy watching GoT because it presents three-dimensional characters in thought-provoking and intriguing other-wordly scenarios whilst remaining plausible and realistic but your reasoning with "Westeros around 300AC is nowhere near as diverse as 21st century America" is shit. It's lazy and it's a shit excuse for omitting people of colour. The fact remains that you wrote these books in the 21st century and that these books are fictional fantasy novels that would've honestly probably felt the same had you included more races in your novel. I can see that you might have wanted to focus on class differences and social hierarchies based on power, not race but it's lazy and irresponsible. In this day and age it's irresponsible to avoid writing good parts for people of colour, to ignore that they exist, that they could exist.

As a writer, I understand that what you write and create is your own intellectual and creative property that you should have full control of and of course I believe that that should remain alive and true. However, that is the exact reason that I shame you for writing yet another unnecessarily white-centric story.

But it's not all your fault. It's not all your fault that the general public appreciates white stories more. It's not all your fault that such a majority of western movie audiences love the whites. And I guess I'm being unrealistic when I ask for more parts written for people of colour so that casting directors just can't ignore the fact that coloured people can play great roles too. Because it's a virtual truth that white faces on big screens make more money and that money makes the world go 'round.

But dear White People,

All I want is to be seen. All I want is for kids like me when I was younger to watch a film with a Vietnamese character who wasn't just there to yell di di mao! I'm so sick of The White Disease that demands itself be seen. I'm so sick of the racial injustices that is in itself Hollywood. And I'm sick of you white writers thinking that White's the default race. Guess what, us coloured people are capable of the emotions your characters feel but you didn't want to "make it all about race" aye. Well fuck you.

Please comment and correct me if you feel it's necessary.

Roll #4, Reservoir

What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.

A retrospective (not really) // Nature Boy (first half, first draft)

I looked back at the blog posts I made when I was a sad boy and I actually blogged more frequently lol Maybe the fact that I'm simply growing older has something to do with my low post count. I noticed that as soon as I started working on my AFTRS application, things got better. And things are truly better now. I know I keep saying it but I'm enjoying myself a lot. I'm happy and it feels ground-breaking, considering the rut I found myself in from 2013 to 2014. I'm starting to wear make-up more obviously and being unapologetic about it however I find myself in situations where I'm still embarrassed or afraid.

I was harassed on the train on the night of new year's day and I left before they did anything really awful to me but it just felt so fucking shitty to feel so unsafe for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I wore lipstick to a party last night and on the way there, I learnt to purse my lips like it was a defense mechanism. That's all I wanted to say about the matter. I don't want to recount what happened, I just wanted to say I just never truly felt unsafe in that sort of situation before and it astounded me how gut-wrenching the ensuing feelings turned out to be when I got home. People had only ever laughed before.

-------------------------------

Nature Boy is a film I wanna make soon about a coward who ran away from the love he lost for a boy called Other Boy. The first half follows Nature Boy's journey through nature but it also revolves around the messages left by a distraught and heart-broken lover. Below are those very voicemail's.

Pre-recorded voicemail introduction: The following number is not available, please leave a voicemail after the tone-

[Beep]

EXT. Day.

Nature Boy ventures through the outdoors and gets lost, basically.

Other Boy: [Electronic recording, supposed to resemble a voice message] I went everywhere looking for you. Down the devil’s lane and back up again. I thought maybe you were hiding. I wasn’t sure what from, but I figured that was all it was, a little game. It isn’t supposed to last this long and I always find you eventually. I always found you. But it’s been too long for any of that nonsense and your birthday’s coming up this Sunday and I got you a present half a year ago because I found these pink neon lights bent into beautiful flowers and it made me think about you. I was gonna suggest you use them as a nightlight so you’d never sleep like I haven’t. I bought it as soon as I saw it and I’ve been waiting all this time to see the look on your face. So can you please think about coming back soon? I miss you.

[Beep, like the end/start of a voicemail]

This is getting ridiculous. Your mum’s worried sick. Or at least she was really worried, by now she’s probably just depressed. I bet she cries every night, how’s that make you feel? Do you feel rotten? Your dad sure doesn’t but he’s always been awful so we kinda let it go, hey? Come back soon.

[Beep]

Silence.

[Beep]

I was at La Perouse the other night and we were sitting on some rocks by the water and I got so high I thought we were sitting at a cliff head and I got really depressed because I thought my favourite hat got blown off into the ocean but it turned out Ruth was holding onto it the whole time. She was the only sober one in the group and she was messing with our heads like she always does. I wrote a poem in my head and it’s the second ever poem I’ve written about you. It was pretty bad but that’s because it’s really hard to rhyme back without crack and I didn’t want to write about crack or cracks at the time but for some reason, I really wanted to write about your back. I’ll read it to you when we meet again, I guess. I hope you’re getting these messages.

[Beep]

I got lost again. This time it was in the city. Everybody moves so fast so I went to go cry in the Westies bathroom but no tears came out and that just made me sadder. Have you ever been like that? Remember that one time we went to that retreat and we all took ourselves and our sleeping bags down to the tennis court and watched the stars and at one point they all swayed before us, dancing so brilliantly, and we thought it was all the second hand smoke from the stoner group next to us but everybody gasped and it was within that unanimous gasp that we realised that what was happening was really happening. They danced from light years away just for us. Anyways, Lucy cried at the sight and I tried to as well but nothing came out. Nothing ever does. I wish I knew how to cry.

[Beep]

I made it into the arts school I wanted to get into. I applied with a short story and of course, the short story was about you. From the outside, it looks like the most bizarre thing and they loved it, I bet. I doubt they thought it was real and I guess I made some parts up. I made up the part where you were there and I added a gun because one of the stimuli they gave us had a gun in it so I thought why not. It was about that time we both knew we were in love. Or at least I knew. Have you ever lied to me, nature boy? I always thought you never would but the longer you hide, the more I can’t help but lose my trust in you. I’m losing my grip too, I think. I don’t know. Call back when you can.

[Beep]

Why can’t people mind their own business? Does it make them feel better if they interfere? Do they think they’re helping? I’m not crying out. I heard someone tell my mum that I just needed some attention. Your dad’s in the hospital by the way. He had a stroke or something. Your mum’s a wreck about it and my mum made her a pie about it. Sorry about that.

[Beep]

I miss you so fucking much my veins are hurting me and they leave maps seared onto my arms and one night I tried to follow them in the hopes of finding where you’re hiding but I ended up falling into a ditch and they didn’t find me until two days after. Anyways, that’s why I haven’t called in a bit, I was stuck in the hospital and I didn’t want to worry you. I’m perfectly fine, probably.

[Beep]

Remember when I made that bad joke and I said it because I always said mean things to make you laugh but that time you actually got hurt and it drove a wedge in our relationship? I blame myself entirely for that but I just wished you learnt to let it go because things changed from then. I could feel it. Did you?

[Beep]

This is the last message I’m leaving you. I’m leaving you.

[Beep]

[Drunkenly] I don’t love you anymore. I told myself that a million times in the bathroom mirror today but the words went down the drain and I tried to tear up the maps that lead me nowhere but the act reminded me of you too much so I threw the knife into the bin and drowned myself instead. Why won’t you call me back?

[Beep]

You could’ve at least told me you were leaving.

UuuuuuuU

It's p underwhelming on some levels but I like it at times. It's like a nice deconstructed ish version of the og song and sometimes das exactly what you need.

Anyways, I haven't spoken here in a long time but that's only because I haven't done anything worth talking about. Everything's about the same as it was when the holidays started. I'm jealz of all the people who are overseas rn but oh well. I want to go somewhere this mid-year break but I'd have to do placement there as well. And as much as it'll probably be quite the experience, I'm also thinking that I should just do placement here so I don't stress myself out and just travel at the end of the year (that way I can focus on chilling out which is my fave part of going somewhere far, it's just so clear of all your real world troubles) but like... I really do want to intern somewhere like san francisco or nyc. But I don't even know where to start like for real. I want to get help from my placement advisor but she intimidates me and I feel like if by now I don't come up to her with a good plan, she'll be mean about it LOL However, this seems unlikely because she is a nice person but like... I wanna be prepared so I can show her I'm a good student (but I'm like not lol)

Okay, I'm gonna stop here because me mam's sleeping behind me and I'm p sure this loud mechanical keyboard is keeping her up, oopth. Bye.

Roll #2, Trinh's Roll

Oh, paranoia, ghosts and other sounds!