Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning thru my darkest night.
You're the obi wan that I want.
Think I'm addicted to your light.

I'm starting to like work. I'm a lot more competent now even tho I completely forgot about this one till that I was signed onto and just left there. I would've left it there if it weren't for my lovely colleague. I don't know how to spell your name, but danke for staying back to help count and also alerting me.

I'm going to stereo! Yay!

Work is killing all my plans because I'm always closing and I don't get to party :( But oh wells, money and also I should be grateful I live so close. But party :( Oh wells. I plan to pick up a few skills this holiday and also to get some videos out. Like, for real. In fact,  A VIDEO WILL BE PUT UP BY AT LEAST HALFWAY THROUGH DECEMBER LOL Anyways, I'm having another movie night. I'm gonna rewatch Forrest Gump <3 Bye guys.

Something smells like dog food.

And I'm afraid that it just might be my feet. I'm also afraid - too afraid - to check.So lately I've been dreaming about the future. Not the one where I'm a dazzling star, so happy and so bright, but rather the one where my life is... together. I dream about having a cute boyfriend where we do cute boyfriend things and he's got a cute moustache and really intense blue eyes where I can't stare into them for too long in fear of losing my mind but I do it anyways because live fast, die young, bad girls do it well. And I dream about doing well for myself in uni. I dream of being motivated, and getting really good marks and never losing faith in my abilities. I dream of keeping VSA going well - making events that surprise people. I want to be that young president who bit off more than he could chew and swallowed it whole. I failed to do that recently... But I can learn from my mistakes. And in my dream, I worked at Coles still, and I wasn't so nervous all the time, my manager liked me and I was efficient. In my dream I had the boy, the grades, the ability and the money. It was all good. And knowing myself, I knew I could be in the attitude that good things only last for so long but I was confident enough to believe that it could keep on going. I didn't let that attitude stop me. I could be happy forever. Sure, I would lose the boy with the curly hair and it'd be heartbreaking - but I would love him still and let him go at the same time and realise it was a fleeting moment of pure happiness and love and that I could have another - right up until the point where I found something that could last for at least forever.

But - and there's always a but - I do know myself so very and terribly well, and I know that I'll never obtain that attitude in the first place. Isn't that depressing? I dream about being on top and not letting myself bring it all down and I'm already doing it now.


S
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B
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H
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Let's make a list!

1. CUTE BUTTON-UP SHIRTS!!!!! Ich habe mittelgroß [I am a size medium]
2. Light-pink vans. Meine Schuh Größe ist neun und eine Halfte [My shoe size is nine and a half]
3. Paramore by Paramore, the self-titled album
4. ARTPOP album
5. Adventure time stuffff
6. A pretty dress
7. More chinos -> Größe 30!
8. A nice blazer!!!
9. Cologne
10. A nice belt.
11. Born to die album. Paradise edition or not, either either.
12. Vinyls!! Like, vinyl versions of modern ablums like Adele's 21, Born to Die, gaga? Paramore!! Florence and the Machineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
13. A nice camcorder :L Maybe something I can prop on my shoulder hahaha
14. Tea :) Like from T2. Preferrably black tea, I guess. Don't get chai though. Like, yes please, I would like choc chai or a variety of chai but not normal chai because I already have that chai :) Okay.
15. Ties. Not plain ties, but cute ties. Like a floral one or one with bicycles on it or OOH ! A NICE TIE PIN!!
16. A nice tie pin/clip. Like, I saw one which was an arrow. Like, bow and arrow type of arrow. It was gold and it looked so cool.
17. Cool hipster socks LOL
18. That is all.

Danke und tschüss!

I can be the drink in yer cup, lad.

I can be the green in yer blunt, yer pusherman, I've got whatcha want.

You wanna escaaaaaaape.

Hello, all, welcome welcome welcome.

I know. I haven't blagged. I haven't blagged since forever ended and for that, I apologise. But I've been busy.

• I got a job. It's across the street. It's v convenient.
• I'm a service person at Coles ffld, so if you're gonna check out, check out me - check out via me*
• Island gigantism or insular giantism is a biological phenomenon in which the size of animals isolated on an island increases dramatically in comparison to their mainland relatives.
• I am an arts student. This post is art. Trust me, I studied Russian avant-garde. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
• I have absolutely no idea.
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•  
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•  
•  
•  
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• Let's discuss this.

 I don't like studying or doing what I'm doing at USYD. I picked up too many things at once and I'm struggling to keep it all together. I bit off more than I can chew, and it's going to be the death of me. And by picking up too many things, I mean studying, vsa and work. And of course, backing out of VSA would be the most logical solution. But I can't do that to them. I must do what I must. Eso sí que es.

So I've been thinking. Maybe I should take a gap year. I'll work at coles, and in my spare time, I'll work on videos. I'll work on my portfolio for a film school, and by the end of that gap year, I'll apply for AFTRS. And depending on how much I worked, I'll be where I want to be. This past semester, I enjoyed uni much more than I did in the first semester. I knew things. I didn't feel so useless. But, I still didn't like it hahahahha call me picky, call me weak. It's not that, really. Perhaps I'm wording this wrong. I enjoyed most of my units, I did. But I was truly happy in only one - film studies.Okay, okay, I know - not film again! Didn't we settle for education?? But I don't want to settle. And yet, such is life and life sucks. It's all about compromising as to survive, ja? But I don't want to be that person. I don't want to live that life. I mean, not to sound like the typical, stupid dreamer but is it really considered living? Living in fear?

I want to have more self-confidence. I want to strut. I want to truly believe in myself. But I don't. I hesitate every second second.

Let's make a plan for the gap year:

For the first few months, I'll release videos every three weeks. So that'll be like four vids or something, idk, and then as time goes by, I'll make more artsy vids. I'm gonna master editing. I'm gonna try new stuff. I'm gonna write so much more. It seems to me that the only time I write or blog is when I have an essay due hahahaha whoops. Anyways, I actually don't know what I'm gonna do. But hm, I'll create a system where if I don't make a video in a set amount of time, I will punish myself. How though...

Gosh gosh gosh, I'm going to ruin this. This plan can go wrong in a million ways.

I could end up not learning a thing and wasting a year of my life.
I could fall in love with the money I make and I could never want to go back to studying.
I could not make it into AFTRS.
I could get really bored.
I could ruin absolutely everything.

Eso sí que es.

Breaking hearts and breaking promises

I will eventually make a photo post but I cbb grabbing the photos from my phone and putting them into my computer and then my blog LOL So I'll do this instead, for now:

Dear Jesus III,

I keep going up and down my stairs to grab these little wiener sausage things from the fridge, but then I finish them before I get back to my room. As the night goes on, I learn to eat them slower, but still, it feels like they're gone too soon. So instead of taking just one, I've been taking two and then going upstairs. They're delicious. But I got distracted just now and before I knew it, I had just finished chewing the second sausage of two, and I got really confused and sad about where the other sausage had gone. I ate the sausage. I ate both the sausages and pretty much that's my life now. I keep messing up.

Life Update

Ugh.

















































lol, I joke.

Life is okay. I've been trying to balance school and vsa, and it's going alright. If I were still in engo, then I would die, but I'm not. And I'm happy. Which is good. Hm. I really don't know what to say. Okay, anecdotes, hurrah.

LOL so in German tutes, right? There's this one girl who sits at the front and she's a bit strange and she's genuinely curious a lot of the time. And there was this one time where we were just practising grammar and we learnt something new and so the teacher was like, "So are there any questions? It's fairly easy". And the girl at the front was just like, out of nowhere, "are you catholic?" hahaha the teacher and the rest of the class were just like "what??" LOL the teacher was then like "I don't see how you need to know that, idk, yes. Does anybody else have any questions about me while we're at it?" And in the midst of the laughter, some girl at the back was just like "do you drink?" as a joke hahah. Teacher didn't hear tho. I love my German class.

Oh, and the other thing with the girl at the front. We got up to a chapter about 'the working world' and LOL to start, the teacher just made a bubble that said "Die Arbeitswelten" [the working world] and told us to write on the board any words associated with work, so people wrote things like arbeitsbildung and beruf and I wrote geld which is money. Anyways, afterwards we were to ask words that we didn't know in German so some people asked simple things like part-time and contract and LOL right at the end, girl at the front asks "What is... economic downturn?" hahaha I love her

NEEEEEEXT So there's this pretty attractive guy I know, right? He's straight so he's a no-go but you can just tell he has game. You know when you can just tell? Like you know they can get a girl real easy because they know how. Anyways, so he comes to my event right, and we've met before, we say hi when we pass, the usual, but apparently, when he greets people now, he winks. SON OF A BITCH. HOW DARE YOU. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH THAT. It was a good wink too. I'm upset.

Anyways, see y'all next time. I'll compile a bunch of photos and just do a picture post in due time :)

I'm writing something up.

Here's a small extract. It's a work in progress.

Part Four: Chronicles

I'm so absolutely afraid of growing old. And so, because of this fear, I've divided my life choices into several outcomes and actions. I could either, a) die young b) face my fears or c) achieve impeccably perfect and permanent youth I've been striving for the third option but it's been proving itself to be quite impossible. I tried dying young once. It was terrifying.

:O:O:O:O What's going on? Is the whole thing this angsty? Is it about suicide? Is it a tragic romance?

Someone's writing out their thoughts, some parts are just as angsty but they're a small portion of the whole thing, it's not about suicide and yes, it'll be a love story, and it will be tragic, in some sense.

I CAN'T WAIT TIL I FINISH IT, I HOPE I'LL BE PROUD.