I feel very isolated right now.

I'm not sure where or how I fit into the world, the one that's currently on fire. Is that a good thing?

I'm still completely heartbroken and a little bit in love - it's a really terrible combination, and even sadder, it's one that I'm really familiar with.

It helps and it doesn't help to reflect on how I'm not alone in this feeling. Actually, after writing this sentence, it doesn't help at all. I am thankful that my situation doesn't feel completely inescapable - but I've been having a lot of bad mental health days lately, and there have been a lot of inescapable feelings.

The last that I spoke to Jorge was when his baby was just born, and he said that he would call when he had more energy. It's been a long time now, and I don't really know how to proceed, or move on.

In truth, he's the only man who showed that he could mutually love me. It was the first time I actually felt what love could feel like. I'm sad, and I feel betrayed that the feeling was so short-lived.

I think I shouldn't feel so doomed, but I feel so doomed.

I want to talk to him again and I want him to understand - I don't know what - I guess where I'm coming from; simply put. But I also think about how he told me he was happy. And I don't want to disrupt that, because I think I still genuinely love him. Or just this image of him, this imprint.

I feel so cheated, that this inferior feeling of being unloved, and therefore unlovable, therefor worthless - this standard that existed around me, is a little bit true. I feel like I'm watching the people around me grow from their relationships. I wish I had someone I could be truly vulnerable with and unjudged by.

It's just getting to a point where I feel like I can't gather the energy to keep myself up anymore. But I have to.

I wish I had a stronger foundation - one that didn't stand on this hope for love.

I've been told recently that I'm my own worst critic - and this I know. I am very self-critical, deep down. I'm noticing that there are really things I believe about myself, that come from a very deep place - things I would never say to someone I love, and so I'm trying to work on those things first.

And yet, simultaneously, everything feels so pointless. A new headline that feels like it can't and shouldn't be true comes by, another video full of darkness, another video that you thought was real but wasn't.

It's been a very sunny weekend in Berlin - it's apparently the last for the Summer, or so I've been told.

I wish I was outside, enjoying it with friends, but I can't seem to find people for that.

I'm ghosting  a couple of my own friends, actually. So I do feel bad for complaining about this.

I just feel rotten.

I need to clean my room.

Love again

It's September 2023 and I'm still fucked up about love.

To be honest, I just don't understand why it's so hard for me.

On good days, it's simply something everybody struggles with.

On bad days, everything feels like it's set up against me.

Today's a bad day.

As I said in my last post, my sex life is as gratifying as it's ever been, but there's still no love.

I wonder if anybody will ever see me past my body.

Throughout my adult life, I've been able to not depend on love to be able to live.

I understand that I'm not the only person in this position.

But that doesn't make it better, not by a long shot.

And I know that I'm worthy of romantic love. I know it.

But it just gets very hard when time and time again - I'm only seen for my body.

It makes me feel bad about my face, my facial hair, the lines around my mouth.

It makes me (just slightly) want to jump in front of a train, or off a building.

I'm not sure how real these rare suicidal thoughts are.

I get out of them much easier than I get into them.

But why is it so hard?

At this point, I'm convinced it's not me.

My Croatian friend told me that bottom line, there's no way to find a relationship in Berlin.

When I think of the friends I have who are in long, committed relationship - admittedly, they all met outside of Berlin.

So is that it? I can't imagine it being any easier at all in Sydney.

I wish Sydney's gay scene was different also.

It took way too long to realise that the things I accepted, the things I got used to

Shouldn't have been.

****

It's August 2024 now.

Funnily enough, right after I wrote this last thing, I met this guy who fell in love with me immediately. I didn't know that until recently.

He was a tourist in Berlin - his name is Jorge. He lived in Spain, and worked in under-developed countries. He was a good man, and he made me feel like I could be loved exactly as I was.

When he went away, we didn't establish anything really.

I subconsciously stopped dating because I really liked him, and dating is still really hard here.

He saw other people while he was in Nairobi, and in fact, the woman he was seeing is now pregnant with his baby.

I can't really write much on this right now, because I'm completely devastated.

Almost a year later and I'm in the exact same position I was before.

What hurts the most is that even though this relationship never started, I was so happy...

It was in our goodbye voice notes that he admitted he was already in love with me.

I think back to the moment I chose to meet Linus in Berlin while he was still in Europe, instead of going to Jorge. At least then, I would've felt what love would feel like.

I think what hurts more is not that I loved him (in a way), but that in my first experience of feeling loved, from someone I really liked, the universe said, "no." And I'm alone again.

I want Jorge's impact on me to be that at least now I know that I can be loved and be my authentic self.

I can't help but feel the opposite though.

I feel so so sad, and so alone.

Üpdåte 2023 Summer

 Ooft I went on a trip down memory lane thru this blog and read my posts about Juan - poooooor fkn Juan - who is now Fran - poor poor Fran. I'm the worst LOL But they're doing well now. At least I didn't kill em. And yay we're friends now, and growing together.

Anyways, we're halfway thru 2023!

Whoof, what a year.

What a year.

Why is life moving SO fast.

In one half of a year, I got threatened on the subway, I've had an on again off again FRIENDSHIP that caused both parties so much stress, went back to Aus for World Pride (so all that - at least a wonderful highlight), been femme af much more (I wore a bikini! In public! Two of my male friends told me to do ass exercises.) and to top it off my sex life has been the most gratifying it's ever been but as always, I yearn mostly for love :(

Okay, let's do a proper update. With a copy of my pilllarrssss:

• work
• home
• lovelife
• friends

WORK

Work sucks, I'm not really editing at all, I'm just doing social media and I find tiktok kinda icky so I don't like doing it - and i think my closer workmates are judging me for it 😬 because I guess it's my job LMAO but I hate it and they told me I would edit and I've done a whatever charity video, and a few social media videos for Versace...

I think there is a chance to go to a post-production company that's opening soon. A director on my current production company's roster - this old Romanian man - is opening another branch of an existing VFX/Post company in Berlin. I'm unsure because although it'll be a step closer to what I want to do, it'll be in advertising. But at least I'll get out of advertising. The advantage I have is I know that the director wants me... I think in all kinds of the word? But hey, might as well uuuuuuuuse that, #transrights He is kinda hard to work with though, sometimes. Doesn't listen. But it's fine, I will grow as an editor. and get paid. And! It'll be super close to where I'm about move to!

HOME

Okay so I'm moving out in October. I'm verryyyy sad to be leaving this apartment because it was a nice apartment but sadly, Pablo is just toooooo hard to depend on - and he called dibs on the apartment because his dad found it 🙄 And he made it clear from the start that if he got a girlfriend and wanted the apartment, he would get it. That was his mistake because it planted a seed of unease in our "friendship", and now he's losing a flatmate that he admits he liked living with. I'm a nice, considerate person, friend and flatmate 😠

Anyways I'm moving to a much smaller room and I have to sell the furniture I accumulated 😢 BUT the positives heavily outweigh the negatives. I'm moving in with my Spanish friend Sara (they/them) and a Turkish girl Rengen. It's gonna be so fkn nice. I think I'm gonna get a welcome brunch 😭 It's gonna be such a cute household, Sara's already teaching me how to sew. Omg I love my friends. Speaking of!

LOVELIFE

Hm, tricky as always. I still haven't found love, and it gets to me, But for right at this moment, I'm pretty okay. I'm currently having the most gratifying sex life ever. I'm pretty much having sex with two men who are complete fantasies. The first one is Rodrigo, a big-dicked super charming Chilean man with a wife and kid lel, which actually makes it so easy. Here's why: He's kinda of a god in bed. Or at least he makes me see god, don't know if it's him but it feels like it 😭😭😭 Anyways, he's just like an athlete who's good at this sport - and I'm so thankful to have it. Seriously, it feels like free therapy and i find myself asking, did I do something good??? Was I a monk in my past life???? And back to my point, it's so much easier that he has a family (the wife knows of course) because idk I'm just happy he's spreading his skills around - the world needs to heal. Plus I just have no feelings for this man - would be much different if we dated, and it wouldn't work. So I'm quite THANKFUL. Because he's not my perfect man. But he is a very understanding and kind person, and he said he's so happy with our friendship and I feel the same.

And then there's Matt! Who I met on Feeld. Rodrigo I met on Grindr. Matt's also super hot, he looks like a move star 😭😭😭 He's a bit more submissive than Rodrigo, which is good because I get the beeeeest of both worlds. We have vers sex, it's super nice, I love it. He also just happens to be my year 12 2012 tumblr crush come to life, a bit older. He also has a kid! He and Rodrigo both work with bikes for a living. They both love my peepee 😭😭😭😅😅 It's a very validating bonus.

But yeah no love yet, would love to be loved.

FRIENDS

I think I'm good. I'm a bit mad at my coworker who's my closest friend there because I feel often judged by her - but I think I'm just mad because she's right. Anyways, otherwise, I'm doing pretty well here. Admittedly, it's so hard to keep in contact with people because it's summer and everything's just moving so fast. But actually, I'm managing. I hope the weather will permit a picnic on Sunday for when I hang out with Barbara. I'm going to see Barbie with my coworker, the same one (I should apologise). And now my friend Lauren is joining - who is a friend of my close Croatian friend Ante. Omg I'm so lucky and loved 🥰🥰🥰 I miss my Sydney friends as well but actually, Jess is coming to Berlin!!! I hope she decides to stay throughout the weekend, and leave on Tuesday or something. They're going to leave on a freaking friday??? Or something - BS. I'm not having it. I'm paying for Jess' extended trip - I'm already hosting her!!!

I'm going to add a new category now - SELF

So I'm kinda going thru a transition in life. I've always been afraid to transition because I'm scared that I'm not making the right decision - that I'm not being honest with myself. But you know what, as per ALWAYS, I do what I want - and I want so badly to be a kickass woman. I am a kickass woman. I'm fkn sick. Look at me and say it with me WOMEN'S RIGHTS, RIGHTS TO OUR BODIES, TRANS BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL, I'M BEAUTIFUL. Did you repeat it? I think I'll go with she/her pronouns soon, but I don't know what to do with my name. I have an emotional attachment with my name because me mum chose it :( After Prince Will of the famous Prince Brothers.  Anyways, can I rock it as a unisex name? Not really. I considered Lucy for some time now... But it makes me think of Lucy Liu, the at-a-time most fetishized asian woman in the world. She is beautiful though, they were right. Lucy Tran. Hmmmm Wait I think I know a Lucy Tran? Turns out not yay. But anyways, I just have to be honest with myself and how I feel. I have a feeling I'll regret not having done it sooner. Maybe at this new job.

Okay that's your update you animals. I miss you guys a lot. I'm so excited to see you in Berlin, Jess!

Tchüss! 

Dezember 22

 Hi,

It's Will. I thought it would be fun/interesting to update you on my life, a year from the last post.

I copied over the list of categories I made:

• work
• lovelife
• home
• friends

Work:

It's okay. It's a bit difficult to work in an industry that's so deeply rooted in money and marketing. In fact, I hate it. I don't feel like myself in this job. However, it's the closest that I'm getting to building a sturdy editing portfolio, and going towards what I want to do. I really, really hope that I can get out of it sooner rather than later. But it is admittedly a very cushy job. Can't lie about that - it's comfortable. And I like my coworkers a lot so that helps, and it doesn't at the same time.

Also interesting to be in a company that's at the top of its industry. So juicy, so much drama, such luxurious treats. But not worth giving up my sense of self bleh

Lovelife:

I'm going through a historically long lack of a sex drive. I just have no desire at the moment. But also I have the desire of having the desire - omg i miss having good sex.

Just before this, I was having sex with a sex ATHLETE from Chile. Sex was sport to him omghhgjsfdghjkfjdgks anyways, I self-sabotaged which is SO sad to say but yeah, just didn't want to have sex anymore - at least for now. I hope he comes back into my life.

Home:

Hmmmmm it's complicated. I'm living with a coworker now and that came with all the very obvious red flags that I did not see - just was not looking at them. Not paying attention.

Friends:

I am very happy to have friends that I've just fallen in love with. I recently have been just having these moments with friends that I've made, and have considered close friends over time, where I just fall in love with them. By that I mean my eyelids get heavy, my heart starts racing, i have endorphins rushing up. And I feel like I've been having these deep moments of connection with all my friends through life - I just wasn't grown up enough to know it for a time. 

Otherwise, my parents are coming to Berlin!! In two weeks - I'm so eggcited!! I hope they enjoy it but I'm a bit scurred about how harsh the icy winters are here - since they grew up in South Vietnam and migrated to bloody Australia - and ofc, holidayed in Summer seasons - I'm anxious about the cold, and even things like my mum slipping on ice 😭 But hopefully I can find boots for them hmmmm I need to make an instagram story. 

Christmas is quite chrazy here - Germans act like they invented Christmas, everything feels soooo properly traditional, there's a lot of joy, it's a bit infectious. And this will be the first time i think where the much-beloved christmas markets will be fully open - so I can take my parents around those. I'm also taking them to this huuuuuge theatre where they do like big vegas-ish shows, the botanic gardens for the xmas lights show, maybe a castle in Potsdam! The top of the TV tower hopefully. Ummmm this huge asian grocery warehouse LOL I've never been - I want my parents to buy me a ricecooker. 

Okay that's the update - I'm a little unsure about life at the moment but not hopeless just yet 😬 Wish me luck thru this fkn Winter that's just started, oh lord. 

Eek,

Will

Update - Oktober 21

 Hellooooooo,

Just read Maria's blog and look at us! Content with life!!! Verrrrrückt!!

Okay, I'm going to write a list of what I can talk about so I can go back to it and I WON'T delete it before posting because I'm quirky 😌😌😌

• work
• lovelife
• home
• friends

I added friends at the end because I feel odd that I never pile them in with what I like to think are the pillars of my life, of any life. But they're important, I know I know!

WORK

Work has been busy and stressful and eating up my life but I don't mind so much. At the moment, I'm working at a company called ANORAK Film - we produce ads mostly, and some music videos. I'm currently their content creator and head of socials - oh I just remembered I spoke about them in me last post.

brb

Okay - just read - whoa, quite a difference in some ways!

So, work:

Juliette has since left to write a book - which I love. It's strange, because we have everything to get along super well but there's always this odd disconnect between us. It could just be me but it's so potent. Okay, not potent but rather, present. I wonder if we'd have been closer friends if we met elsewhere? Probably not tbh! But that's not a bad thing. Either way, I think we bonded quite well over anxiety.

However, I'm not as anxious about work anymore even if Juliette is no longer in the office. In fact, I feel like I have so much more agency now that I'm the head instagram bitch. I'm being offered a contract and with that comes a work visa! Although, of course, one smol worry - I sometimes feel like I'm not going towards my goals because I'm not editing. And as more time passes, the older I get, and the less I can build this experience that somehow only feels appropriate when I'm young. However! I often have to slap myself when these thoughts come in because it's never quite the end. I can learn this new software with online classes, I can keep making connections at my work - there are options out there and the only gurantee of failure is not trying, right? Idk, I will report back when I get older and wiser, will let u know.

My bosses have also expressed that they like me 😳 And although my inability to understand german often feels like it gets in the way... apparently it doesn't??

Anyways, love life.

As in let's talk about my lovelife but also luvvvv lyffff

It's fine hahhaha I currently have ass and balls eczema but I'm getting on top of it!! So someone can get on top of me 😔😔

I've also been yearning for a relationship hahha but only because one guy I met once at a party was nice to me and we accidentally forgot to exchange contact details after spending an entire night together and it feels so poetic looool :') It's what's keeping me together whilst also somehow unravelling me. We ended up living super close together so I'm holding onto this hopeless romantic idea of us running into each other and we'll be like omg I missed you. 

Of course, won't happen like that but a young twink can dream.

Also! Charles and I broke up! He broke my liddle heart hahhhaha Although I did the breaking up, it definitely felt like I was the one being broken up with. I won't go into that much detail because it feels quite a long way behind me and in fact, I won't hahhah it's all so silly.

However, I will say I wore a little black dress inspired by Princess Di's revenge dress during the breakup and I have a lot of pride over that. No idea why, I think I just looked good, and grown, and classy, and it felt like revenge hahhah silly silly silly

In the end, I've come to realise that I just want to be with someone where it feels easy to be in a relationship with them.

Is that a thing? I've been learning all the other lessons - that people are their own people, that relationships require work, communication, not projecting feelings etc

But I just want to be in a relationship that genuinely feels secure and fulfilling.

home\\

Living with Louis has been great! Of course there are ups and downs but in the end, I think it's very clear that we love each other. I enjoy the dynamic that comes with us just naturally going against our own genders, almost like we've actively switched traditional roles - but it's because we don't care to restrict ourselves.

We are about to have a bottle of exxy wine and cheese.

fwends

Hmmmm I like the friends I have, obvi, but sometimes I find myself at home on a weekend alone and I think, hm, I wish I had more friends. In saying that, I do love the friends I have here. 

I have this new friend - Sara from Spain. They're the kind of person who will meet you at an event, be super friendly and open, and actually make plans with you soon after?? That's what they did with me. They're always inviting me out and I know that their friends will be in the same boat, you know? Just plucked off the streets of berlin to join Sara's vast group of friends. They recently said that they find it very easy to talk with me which I was very happy to hear.

Final words, things are going swell. Clubs are opening againnnnn so I've been going out, going to parties, having fun, meeting random ppl. It's of course all very nerve-wracking, not because covid, but just... socialising and being around ppl. I'm realising now, since I'm living in such a loudly queer city, the people who make me the most nervous at the club now... are the mean gays?!?!

But really, they can be so vicious for no reason. These are specifically the gays that are super hip, very techno, and act like the mean girls in highschool, idk why.

However, I also know the feeling of putting up a barrier because you're so often shunned by society (this sounds joker-ish, bare with me). I often do present a cold exterior in public because I'm so used to being judged and the natural reaction to that, when you know you don't deserve shame, is to idk bare your fangs, show them that it doesn't affect you, because you're stronger and better than that - than to let bigoted people tell you what you can and can't be.

That's such a shame.

But it's not to say that things aren't changing - but also, I really just want to bite their heads off when they're mean for no reason like chill out - look at me, look at you!! Stop being mean to me.

Sorry if this post sounded ramble-y, I guess I'm just in a good mood and my excitedness? comes out like train-of-thought-like writing.

Okaty, tchüssi!!

Will

Life update - April '21

Hi all,

I thought I should update - seeing as things feel a lot different now.

When Charles had left, I actually did stop smoking weed and my life improved hahahha There was a very rough first week of no weed where my relationship with Charles was so uncertain, as well as my job, and I just could not sleep well for three consecutive nights (which apparently is normal when you stop smoking weed after a while) but oooooft it's messy.

But! I had a talk with my boss before she went on leave - Juliette, the head of social media I mean - and it went so well. I think she could relate a lot to feeling uneasy in the first month at this company, so she was really understanding and I could see she started to be more supportive and it was such a relief. She went on leave and I had to look after the instagram and I'm hoping + praying that she's happy with what I did hahhahaha But it gave me a chance to interact quite often with the second-in-charge at the company and that was good - I think I did well. I'm officially freelancing with them though - so nothing is really as stable as I had hoped but I do think they're trying to be supportive of me? Ich bin nicht so sicher - aber ich muss nur positiv sein.

Anyways, these past couple of weeks, as I've been reflecting on my life, I've been thinking, hmmm, things as per usual worked out. I landed on my feet - again!! Somehow - irgendwie!

Things with Charles have been good - he comes back from the Canary Islands tomorrow and I think we basically settled things on the phone. I guess we'll just have to see when we talk tomorrow. I like him a lot but I have a bad feeling I'll hurt him - just something I'll do carelessly. Obviously I don't want to but idk, it's just a bad feeling at this point - and I don't really know what that means myself. I guess the best thing I can do is endeavour not to ? Hm :/ I keep saying current boyfriend accidentally when I talk about him to other people - that's a bad sign. He's my partner - my boyfriend! I like him a lot! What's wrong with me. I really hope I'm not just bad at being a boyfriend ? Scary.

And finally - I'm moving in with Ella soon. Thankfully I finally got paid my first invoice from Anorak so it'll be much less difficult to move now. I'm excited. I can't say I'm super excited because the room is so tiny hahah but I'm sure I'll settle into it. I get to move in with Ella though and I can't wait to cook for her and just hang out and get to know her more. She's young and queer and super sweet and that's so exciting!!! I'm ALSO super excited to just stop living with Barbara. It really is so exhausting. She can be so negative and I constantly feel like I'm doing everything in my power to keep her happy because I hate dealing with her when she's upset. I do feel that a big part of it all is my difficulty with confrontation. I'm not very confrontational at all and in the end, it didn't work well with Barbara. I can't wait to stop living here. I hope it's the final building block to building the life I always wanted in Berlin. That, and this fucking pandemic being over hahhahaha but every day here, it really does feel neverending. 

Deep down, I still feel anxious that everything will crumble very suddenly - but I'm also looking forward to life just improving. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about my own sense of insecurity.

I think it does scare me a lot, and I can see how it affects the way I act and am, but maybe it also humbles me? But I can recognise how that's such a dumb thing to say.

I just don't want to be an asshole too.

I am often quite a scared person and I wish I wasn't.

I often think, actually, that if life was a movie, I would be the person the strong, direct hero would say "admit it, deep down, you're a coward" to and they'd be right.

I feel like that's a little silly/heavy to say but it really is something that I think about every now and then.

Anyways, this was supposed to be a ~~~postitive~~~ update after the last post hahhaha

It really is nice to look back to a month ago and think, oh - things are going well.

I hope they stay that way. And if they don't, I hope I can get through it.

I guess only time will tell.

Will

2021 as of yet

I don't really know where to start with this post.

I have a lot of drafts on here because whenever I get quite sad, I try to write it out - but then I get sick of it and then I just have these two paragraph posts titled "Berlin is breaking my heart". 

And so, here I am - writing because I'm sad. 

It's an overcast Spring Sunday and I'm alone in the apartment of the guy I'm dating. His name is Charles, he's a year older and he's a programmer from Brisbane. He left this morning for the Canary Islands in Spain - however, I feel like he'll be my biggest topic (if I reach it) so I'll leave it until then.

It's actually kinda funny that he'll probably be my biggest point because February has passed, and for me, February this year was a make-or-break month and it ended up being fine  Most importantly, I had my visa appointment due and I was running out of money. Those things are working themselves out, finally, but still my life still seems to revolve around love - something that I really looked down on in my younger adult years hahaha

It was also the mark of one full year in Berlin. It's a little wild to think that I've been here for more than a year now. When February 2021 had arrived, I felt like I was in the exact same spot that I was a year before, except without my savings. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my time here.

I do recognise that there was a pandemic, living in a new city is hard, and despite it all, I still learnt so much. I learnt a lot about myself.

At the moment, however, I don't really like myself.

I should provide context before I get any deeper hahahaha

My life as of today in bullet points (kept simple, will hopefully elaborate somewhere in this post):

• I was granted a freelancer visa which is a visa that allows me to stay in Germany so long as I'm getting regular gigs - what a relief!
• I'm currently working at a production company called ANORAK - they produce commercials and music videos mostly and I'm in their social media team - I'm in a trial month and I can't really tell if they like me...
• You already know about Charles - we've been dating since around the start of December and we met on Tinder. We had a proper chat about our relationship and it didn't end well and now he's in Spain - things are still quite open-ended.
• I'm moving out of my current apartment in mid-April to live with Ella in an area called Wedding.
• I've been smoking a lot of weed and I think it's been affecting my memory and just my brain. I want to stop today.

Let's start off relatively positive: Getting the visa was a huge relief (however I still feel like I'm holding my breath while I wait for it to come in the mail but deep down, I know it'll be fine). I interviewed for the Anorak job a little over a week before my visa interview. I ended up getting offered a trial month at Anorak very shortly after and there was a chance maybe that I could apply for a longer visa but the timing just didn't work. I actually ended up getting all my visa things together quite last minute once I realised there wasn't a way to get the other visa before my freelance visa appointment and I probably would've been so disappointed in myself if I didn't get my visa extended. However, I'm proud to say that I got through the whole interview in German and maybe that was a reason they accepted my admittedly shoddy visa application loool

Before I can get into my new job, we have to talk about the weed problem. It's become a little self-destructive and it actually started off quite light-hearted. There was a point where it felt so carefree and simply recreational - it just made me feel good and didn't feel detrimental. It actually became a big part of my relationship with Charles too and this I don't mind so much but we did touch on it during our talk last night. It's been worrying me a lot. I find myself blanking a lot during conversations and I think it's part of why I'm underperforming at my new job (this has made me feel so disappointed in myself recently). I'm also just so much more anxious than usual. To clarify, this has been more of an issue in the last two months than it has before. I just don't have very good self-control, but it's something I want to work on.

With Anorak, there's this weird disconnect between me and my boss who's the head of social media there. I can't help but respond awkwardly to her and also I think she can feel how much I'm not really working. As in, I am doing the work, but not great. I think she has a very New York mindset (she's American and I think she's lived in NY for some time) and by that, I mean life seems to be all about Hustle and working hard to get what you really want - just proving yourself constantly because you have what it takes, you just have to show it. I used to be very that too, at one point of my life, but I often feel like I'm just trying to get by and that's already quite exhausting. 

I feel like a different person from who I want to be, but I'm just watching it happen from the outside.

I really love this company but I think I'm making a bad first impression? Or, it's not, and I'm just too paranoid, and the paranoia is actually making me come off as weird? Which is a bad first impression hahhaha I really just cannot tell.

I hope that it's not too late for me, and that I can start being myself once I stop smoking weed. 

I'm actually going to go see my friend Tanina now, so I will try to wrap this up. You'll have to hear about Charles and also the moving situation another time. I mostly want to publish this so it's out there.

Berlin has been so emotionally exhausting. I'm really eager to turn my life around though. It's so strange that everything seems to be working out how I want but I still feel so much angst.

I'm not entirely sure when I'll write next to be honest. I really hope I can get it together.

Will

uh oh sad again!

I don't really know what I'm doing. I feel like a giant child.

^ I've no idea when I wrote this but mood.

I've finally reached the point where I'm living paycheck to paycheck and if I don't get a job after this one, I'm tucked. I don't know what I'm doing! And do top it all off, I'm going to spain for god knows what reason in a few days, at it's CORONA PEAK - am I dumb?

I'm just gonna talk about Barcelona - I feel awful about this trip. My current boyfriend Juan suggested we go - at the time, I was like it's so close! Why not! We had planned for August, and then I got a new job + Barcelona had peaked in covid cases so I was like sorry babe, we gotta move it. It was a little dramatic. Anyways, here we are a month and a week later and Barca is worse off than ever and I'm almost out of money PLUS the weather is colder.

Essentially, feel like shit, just want her back. I feel awful because I pushed to move the trip to Sept so hard and now it's worse than ever. This feels like such a stroke of badluck. Juan is also so excited and he leans on his luck, much like I do, and believes in his heart that the trip will work out. I used to think like that but this is just so unlucky, it feels cursed. Juan always has such a sunny disposition and sometimes I feel like I'm the curse.

I love Juan but I don't think I deserve him and I don't think I'm as in love with him as I should be. We say I Love You now but there are so many things he doesn't know that would disprove that. I went on a tinder date with some german guy who I'm essentially more compatible with and Juan knows it was a platonic date but I didn't exactly tell the date.... 

When I was in highschool and the years after, I was the kind of person who made it his life mission to be a nice person. I just wished everyone was nice so that the world could be better so I strived to be good. Eventually, I realised it's quite nice to be bad. I was watching Kidding on Stan and the parents admired that their kid was a bit of an asshole - which I connected to.

I found that I didn't have to be nice all the time and it was so freeing. Like for real, I was so awkward and unnecessarily nice.

However, I'm at a point now where I can't tell if I'm good at all anymore. I think in my heart of hearts, I think I'm a good person - someone that I like. But when I have to face the things I've done to people who I care about, I don't think I'd like me if i met me. I would think I was an asshole.

I can't even think straight at the moment - my life is just a bit of a mess right now.

I feel like a giant child.

Also my visa finishes right at the end of the year and I've no idea how easy it will be for me to extend my visa.

Will

Juanguage

Hi everyone,

So I've been a bit lazy - I keep writing half-posts and then realising it takes too much brain power so I stop and I end up with soooo many drafts. Anyways, I decided to ditch them and try again lol This post will be both about Juan and Language, hence the horrendous title. 

So I'm still dating Juan, the Argentinian cook I mentioned in the first 'how I'm feeling now' post. We hang out a lot and it's very cute and romantic. However, I've yet to say I love you back and I can't quite figure out what to do. His own ily's have been side remarks and I think he's waiting for me to say it first before he says it outright. 

First, let's go over my reasons for not saying I Love You back. On the surface, it's an appearance/attraction thing, which I realise is very shallow of me. I don't think Juan is ugly hahahaha he can be quite handsome but sometimes in bed, I find myself LOOKING for those angle. He also pulls the worst faces during sex loooool. And I wish he had a better body - BUT these are very shallow things and I of course value him much more than that. But it is on my mind every now and then. Oh! But the sex is better!! Ever since we had a talk about it, the sex has improved. I think he's trying harder and so am I. But that brings me to my next point, which I think breaks my heart the most.

In past relationships (relationships-ish*), I've experienced feelings of giddiness and excitement but I don't really have that with Juan. 

I'm always happy to see him though. I do find myself thinking, I'm so lucky and happy to be here. It's really nice to have someone you can rely on and we do both care for each other really deeply. 

I also think we're very similar which is quite new to me. 

I STOPPED WRITING TO GO MEET HIM AND NOW IT'S THE NEXT DAY LOL

So ja, we're quite similar in a lot of ways - here's how:

• We both consider ourselves very lucky - things just fall into our lap and we always manage to get by. We sort of lean on it when we need to. Deep down, I think it's a positive attitude mixed with a little delusion lol but it works for me! And I think it works for Juan too.
• We're both creatives - he writes poetry and makes music - Idk what I do - editing, film stuff hahhahaha I used to write poetry.
• We're both quite sensitive although he's much better at expressing his emotions. 
• We both strive to be nice - he does a better job than me though lol
• We're both vers!! whoo!!!!!

Anyways, the craziest thing happened yesterday! So we were in Juan's kitchen making food - I was making Alison Roman's famous chickpea stew lol because Juan had a tooth ache.

Then one of Juan's roommates came in and we were talking and she was like, "Oh, Julian's coming soon!"

And I was like, "Is Julian ur partner? o_o"

And she was like, "Welllll I wouldn't really call him my boyfriend... Julian and I have known each other for a really long time - we came from the same town. Then he moved to Berlin after I did and we started seeing each other. Then with corona, we've been seeing each other a lot more and our relationship has grown quite a bit but I don't think we love each other. I like him a lot, he's really cute and we really like being around each other, but I'm the type of person who only wants to seriously date someone I can see a future with and Julian doesn't give me that feeling. But hey, the sex is still good!"

Okay it wasn't that dramatic but it was crazy - she basically was spelling out my feelings about Juan right in front of me AND Juan. And the whole fknnnn time I was so tempted to be like omg girl SAMMMMEEEEE but ofc I couldn't because it was about Juan who was right next to me. 

Anyways, I think that sort-of solidified my feelings about Juan.

I'm being a bit of a coward right now but I want to tell him soon.

I do think about our potential future a lot. Juan is actually on track to opening a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Berlin called Elstakio. He's teaming up with two of his Argentinian friends and they're getting a really good deal for the location they want.  have complete faith in him. It's his dream and he's really excited. I would love to support him through it and watch him grow, really. I've also met most of his friends in Berlin and they're all really lovely. I'd love to learn Spanish so he can speak in his native tongue and so I can listen to his friends talk at parties. I'd love to have an Argentinian-Vietnamese wedding. I'd love for us to cook for each other and I'd love to visit restaurants all over the world with him.

But it can't happen without me lying to myself and to him.

I know deep down it won't work out. And I realise this might sound like stubbornness or an unwarranted and early sense of doom, but my whole life - I've known myself and I've trusted in my instincts. I just know. And it breaks my heart - but not in a heartbreak sort-of way really - more just a sadness for what could've been. 

I hope we can stay friends somehow. 

FUCK I forgot to talk about Language looooooool Maybe next time ;)

How I'm Feeling Now pt II

Hi everyone,

I've been meaning to write in this blog to keep whoever's reading updated on Berlin but often my motivation to do so comes from sadness and I don't want to bog this blog down with negativity but at the moment, I'm not in the best place so I'm gonna talk about that.

It's a little difficult to explain the situation to people who don't work in the same field or industry as me but I'll try my best to make this easy to understand. Essentially, I picked up this documentary project a month and a half ago - it's about a celebrity photographer who did most of his work in the exciting golden era of Hollywood. The director is a journalist who interviewed the photographer for Harper's Bazaar and she took a liking to him, so after she wrote her article, she went back to LA to film an interview. She's also a friend of one of my bosses which is how I'm connected as the editor. It was nice to have something to edit that was my own and I was really excited to work on it. I really really do love editing.

However, as the weeks went by, it became more and more clear that the director was not a director.

We just kept going in circles about the process - I really just needed us to get the story down to something good with just the interview footage alone. That way, we had a story foundation to build on top of with the visuals, his photos, old archive footage of Hollywood nightlife and celebrity culture (but later, once we had down the foundation). However, she just couldn't get over the fact that we didn't have extra imagery, she just could not compute. And so, we had the storyline all over the place, different topics in bits and pieces and essentially no foundation for this film to stand on.

At one point, I did consider doing it her way, adapting and whatnot because that's a learning experience but the bottom line is that it's so much extra work and for what? For this director to still be fucking clueless. LOL I didn't want to be cruel or to sound cruel but it's my blog, I'm gonna go off. She has no fucking foresight about how to engage with an audience - she just wants to throw things in because they're slightly interesting but if she actually thought about it for a second, she'd be like, it's cool but unnecessary in the long run and we have better stuff and there's no good place for it. Once when we were watching unused interview footage together and the photog was like, "back in my day, young ppl stayed out all night and the older ppl, the celebs, would stay in!" and the director would be like, "ooh we need that!", and me, fed up, asked her why and she had no answer and I caught her OUT. It was just like that, with a lot of things, and usually I would be like oh ja, we can see if that fits, I'll try it out, I can see that you've taken a liking to that but ja.... ............

Anyways, the meetings so far have been a lot of that - me trying to convince her that it's the right way, and her being like but.....

OMG like there would be parts of the interview where he'd be talking about a photo he took and she'd be like... I think we need that photo on the screen, and over and over again, I'd be like yeah duh I know that but don't focus on that, focus on the story - obvi we'll put it in but FOCUS on what he's SAYING so we can start putting his stories into an order that works, so we have a story outline.

ANYWAYS, she's paying me a month's rent and she also got me a years subscription for dropbox which we're using for the film but also it's mine for when it's finished. This is good for now, but it is nowhere near the normal rate for what I'm doing. I appreciate that it's there considering this was a passion project for me before I was """"paid"""" but now I'm not so sure I want it that bad.

Now, my mental state is in the shits and I'm not being listened to, and I don't even think this will shape out to be something good. I don't want to be the person who gives up when it gets hard but all my motivation towards this project is slipping away and I don't want to slave over something I'm not proud of it.

I had a talk with the company's senior editor who's assisting me with this project. She understands and she said that she could take it on if I decided to leave. She's a lot more disciplined and organised than me but she's the type of editor who will do as the director says (and she admitted herself that if I leave, there'll be creative insights that will be missed - which I thought was very nice). I think what makes me a strong editor is that I put my heart into the things I edit and I make it the best it can be. I avoid cliches and I try to make works that stick out. And I have good fucking insights!!! I'm very creative!!!! That's what shits me the most - I can see that this project has a lot of potential but every now and then, this project becomes like any other. And I want more from it. And hands down, without me there, the photographer would be nowhere near as charming in this film as he is now.

And I know, I sound very arrogant but do trust and believe that I try to keep an open mind - and I reflect on myself A LOT - whether I'm being too stubborn, whether I'm wrong. But give me a break! I'm young and I don't have years in the game but I knooooooow what I'm doing! At least more than this director. ALSO I RESPECT THAT SHE'S A JOURNALIST and she is good at it but I also thought the story was the part where we'd least struggle to get through.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to show the company that I could edit and that I was good at it.

Before today, as I was figuring out if this project was worth it, one idea I had was to just do what this director asked for and finish it. Even if it wasn't something I was proud of, it'd be done, I'd get paid my tiny fee and be done. But, I don't want to put my name on that!!! But on the other hand, I don't want to be seen as some kid editor who can't work under pressure. I can work under pressure, I been done WORKING under pressure but I was getting paidt!!! and if I wasn't getting paid, I had passion. And it breaks my heart to see this passion get away from me.

And going back to keeping an open mind and not being stubborn - I also have to realise that this is the industry, this is what building a career is. But I also have to be smart.

I just have to figure this all out.

I think I will leave but who knows - my mind is always changing, hey.

Anyways, I've been thinking of other things to talk about on this blog - one is language! Stay tuned :) Expect more venting but also other interesting insights lol idk

Tchuess!

How I'm feeling now

So it's a Monday afternoon in Berlin - 3PM. I woke up at noon today, I had coffee and lunch with my roommate who's also my landlord and so let's start with that.

Barbara is 48 and she's been living in Berlin for 30 years. I'm not entirely sure what she does but from what I've gathered, she does talks about Berlin history. I think they're called 'Barbara Lux - History Repeating Itself'. I decided to move in with her because I didn't have many choices to begin with but I loved the apartment and I could learn a lot from her. I was worried only because I wasn't sure if I could trust her but as more days go by, she seems more chill and she doesn't mind that I leave the house so often - for work or to see a boy. We have nice talks and we go in and out of German which is really helpful and she teaches me a lot about different places and times in Berlin. I guess the vibe is just weird because she's an older woman who's my landlord too but really that will pass. I just really want more pantry space but that will come with time too, I'm sure. Also, our rooms are right next to each other and it's nice to hear her laugh through the walls lol

With the pandemic, it's been rough but I have to keep reminding myself that it affects everybody and it could be so much worse. Before moving to this new apartment, I could not sleep. I couldn't sleep because it was so stressful looking for an apartment so last minute. I was initially going to sublet from my work friend for two months but their housemate did not want me to move in which is annoying but I get it but fucking annoying. Anyways, it's fine now and there's some gratification that they had trouble finding someone else and offered the room to me again lol On top of that, I didn't know the language which made it harder to find a new place (and probably one of the reasons said roommate didn't want me to move in). I remember watching Netflix with German subtitles and not recognising any words and feeling so hopeless.

EDIT: Just to clarify so I don't sound like an aggro asshole and also so it's not confusing: The apartment I was going to move into consists of three ppl, two of my work friends and another girl. One of my work friends had to move back to Munich so I offered to sublet because it timed well with me leaving my last place. It would've worked great for both of us ! But other girl didn't want that and I'm pretty sure it's because I don't speak german + she would've felt left out from me and my other work friend who is staying there. ANYWAYS LOL

It is a huge bummer that I moved here just before the crisis and I told myself in the first few months here that I should focus on settling in and save my party days for the summer lol So that was another major reason I couldn't sleep. I decided pretty early on that I wasn't going to move back because of the pandemic and then weeks later I would find myself thinking, "what the fuck am I doing here?"

ANYWAYS, living in this new place with Barbara has helped a lot with that! I do miss the freedom of living alone but it's nice to have more motivation to be more productive. IDK I just feel like there's more pressure to live a healthy lifestyle when there's someone living with you lol

I'm also seeing an Argentinian cook which is a bit complicated. On the one hand, he's very sweet and kind and he makes me smile. He also cooks for us which is a big plus. However, on the other hand, I'm not as sexually attracted to him as I'd like to be. And sex is a big thing for me, and it is for him too. We still have sex pretty much every time we see each other but I know deep down that I want more. And he seems happy with what we're doing now but I can also give more to someone I have more sexual chemistry with and I'm sad I can't give that to him. I remember when we initially started seeing each other, I was more leaning towards less sex and more friendship. But now, it's become more traditionally romantic and there are more feelings and it's nice to have that but a small part of me thinks that it's only because there's a pandemic happening. In saying that though, a bigger part of me likes being around him and having him in my life. So it's quite confusing and really, I just wish he was more my type sexually. Maybe we can develop an open relationship post-corona lol I dread the conversation though.

I just really want to go partying lol I want to meet other people and dance with people and hook up with someone hot at a club LOL I want it all baby!!!

I think I've always known I'm a bit of a hedonist which is fine because

Okay so it's the same as it's always been - I didn't finish the post and it's now the next day!

ONE THING I forgot to mention about Barbara: She fkn doesn't stop talking! It'll get later and later in the night and she just goes on and on and she has interesting things to say but omg. Anyways, I think she enjoys teaching me about Berlin so that's nice and I am learning a lot. I feel I have all this insider knowledge about Berlin now.

Anyways, I think I've always known I'm a bit of a hedonist. I have basically zero willpower when it comes to the many vices I have and idk what to do! I won't go into detail but I want pleasure and satisfaction all the time!!! And it'll impede on productivity also I'm not talking about sexual pleasure strictly LOL I would like to clarify that I am not addicted to masturbating!!! But one example is weed ??? I have a dealer now and I don't live with my parents and especially with corona, I basically became a stoner overnight which is so sad lol It wasn't like I was high 16 hours of the day, it's just that every other night I'd be like welp guess I'll get high now LOL And this next bit might contradict my statement about not being addicted to masturbating but jerking off is so much better when you're high AND pornhub made premium free to keep people at home LOL So ummmm it's not all my fault lol. Anyways, I always succumb to my vices and I hate it :( And it worries me for the future but um, we'll see I guess?

Anyways, most of that was because I was living completely alone lol

I fkn miss partying tho. 

I'll write another post soon :) Maybe about the company I'm interning at. Did you like my little throwback formatting??

Thanks for readingggg

Will